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Archive for July, 2008
Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
Until recently, boys teasing girls in school was something that girls usually had to chalk up to experience. Complain and they often got a “boys will be boys” response.
But these days, as young girls become more attuned to their rights, chronic name calling, hair pulling, pinching and other forms of taunting are being perceived as sexual harassment.
Dr. Vicki Panaccione is a licensed psychologist in Melbourne who specializes in (working with) children, adolescents and parents. She said she is not comfortable with attributing sexual harassment to young children.
“I don’t think that 7-year-olds have the capacity to comprehend what they are doing as (sexual harassment). To use the term, you have to have sexual knowledge, and I don’t think young kids grasp that concept,” Panaccione said.
However, sexually harassing behaviors could show up in preadolescence and adolescent stages. Adults can play a key role in prevention by not contributing more powerful behavior to boys, Panaccione said.
“That is when we set up the expectations that boys can exploit girls and men can exploit women,” she said.
How boys are taught to respond to girls at a young age can determine whether they become sexual harassers. Teaching young children to look at males and females as equals is a good start, Panaccione said.
“You are not going to exploit those that you feel are equal to you. You are going to exploit those that you feel are not as good as yourself,” she said.
Times are changing though. Panaccione cites how the heroines in Disney’s animated movies are in more control of their own destinies.
“I think we are starting to teach girls that they are powerful, capable, confident,” she said. “We can teach girls how to be assertive and give those messages back rather than submit themselves to harassment.”
Dr. Vicki Panaccione offers these suggestions for preventing harassing behavior in children:
1) Ensure confidence in girls by telling them that they can do and be anything they want.
2) Encourage the same talents and attributes in both girls and boys.
3) Teach girls to be assertive and stand up for their rights if they are teased by boys.
4) Model respectful treatment and attitudes toward women and young girls.
5) Avoid teaching girls that they are weak, defenseless and need a male for protection.
6) Discourage boys from thinking girls are their subordinates.
7) Teach children the do’s and don’ts about invading the personal space of others.
 Counter images in the media of women as sex objects with positive reinforcement that male and females are equal. Also, expose children to female role models in powerful, successful and contributing positions.
9) Avoid teaching young boys that they are better than women.
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: adolescents and parents, assertive, children, equal, exploit, respectful, sexual harrassment, taunting, teasing
Posted in Child Development, Communication | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
When puberty hits, parents ask: “Who is this kid?”
Ask anybody who has been through it, especially changes in girls during puberty and they will tell you: Puberty is vicious. We’re not talking about the kids going through puberty here, we’re talking about the changes that parents go through.
There’s no shock like changes parents experience when their boy or girl becomes a teenager, specialists say. And adolescent angst doesn’t hold out for a 13th birthday.
Dr. Vicki Panaccione, who specializes in (working with) boy and girls, adolescents and families, said puberty is a “physiological term explaining that boys and girls changes during puberty are moving from adolescent and preparing for adulthood. There are hormonal changes where the voice begins to change, changes in breasts develop, the onset of menses, and facial and pubic hair begin to appear.
“Adolescence is a concept that society has created to define the behavioral changes that boys and girls go through during puberty, other than the body.”
“Boys and girls are beginning the changes and are developing much earlier. It’s a big concern to me as a psychologist because it throws these little “bitties” into dealing with big issues when emotionally and socially they’re not ready…It’s scary for them. I mean, a little girl says, ‘Look, I’m bleeding.’ Try and explain these changes (menses) to a 10-year-old girl!”
“The clue to dealing with the changes that boys and girls go through during puberty is open communication from age 2 on up to early adulthood. Find dialogue any way you can because the puberty stage is the most troublesome stage of the life cycle.
The conflict of these changes between parent and adolescent is a natural one, said Panaccione. “At each stage of life, there is a set of tasks we need to accomplish. In adolescence, the conflict with parents is appropriate. They say, ‘Look, I’m me, not you.’ They’re developing their own personalities and set of values.”
Not letting conflicts develop into major problems during puberty is up to the parents, said Panaccione. “It’s important for parents to pick their battles. The most important are drug and alcohol use, drinking and driving, and sexual behavior. What’s not as important are hair cuts, style of clothes.”
“I counseled one girl during puberty who had about 20 bangle bracelets on her arm. Her father absolutely would not have it. He made her take them off. The result was that she acted out in other ways, worse ways.”
“With teenagers during changes of puberty, you have to do some compromising. I don’t mean compromising your values. But sometimes you might let them do something you’d rather they didn’t, as long as it’s not wrong and won’t harm them.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: adolescent, adulthood, changes, facial and pubic hair, girls, hormonal, menses, puberty
Posted in Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
Monday, July 21st, 2008
Every month, I put a sign up on the marquee outside my office, touting the joys of parenting. Sometimes I am even proud of myself for my creativity. This month happens to be one of those times. July’s motto reads: “Your kids are gifts…enjoy their presence.” I wish I had had a chance to drive this mother by my office.
She was knee-deep in water, wading in the Gulf with her two children and their grandmother. She had the four year old by the hand, and the two year old in her arms. The girl was complaining, wanting to go out a little further so she could swim. Her exasperated mother was scolding her, declaring that she (the mother) could not go out any further because she had her clothes on. “Maybe tomorrow, when I have my bathing suit on, we can go out further,” she assured her. But the girl was not appeased. When was tomorrow, anyway? As I passed this foursome, I encouraged mom to go on and get wet. Seize the moment, as it were. But her come back to me was more disturbing than her refusal to get wet. “We have five LONG days to go.” And all I could think of was that, by then, today would be gone.
Now, how do you think those next five days will go for this mother? This apparently was her first day, and she was already bemoaning the duration on this ‘vacation.’ If she wasn’t going to stop and enjoy the experience with her children, the days would, indeed, be LONG.
Have you ever taken a handful of your child’s favorite candy, and proceeded to hold it just out of reach? My guess is you have. We all have, in one way or another.
Like when we take our children to the toy store to pick out a present for a neighbor’s birthday party. Or when we go down the cereal aisle, but bypass all the boxes with cute little cartoon characters on them. And how about when we go in the water, and don’t allow swimming?
Sure, kids need to learn that they can’t always get what they want. And sure they need to develop frustration tolerance and the ability to delay gratification. However, if we know that the situation might be difficult for our children, why do so many parents act so annoyed and angry when their children react as expected? Depending upon the age of the child, this could be a very daunting task. Particularly, when parents try to explain their child’s tantrums by clarifying, “It’s his naptime.” To me, this explanation makes the situation even more absurd. Why would anyone put their child in a very tempting situation at naptime, no less? And then chastise their child for wanting what they want? If it’s hard to resist when well-rested, how could sleep deprivation help a child have more self-control?
Scheduling the day around our children’s biorhythms makes for a more productive and enjoyable day. And preparing and planning when taking children into difficult and tempting situations can turn a dreaded activity into a more pleasant one. Discuss with your children ahead of time what the trip to the store, for instance, is for. Also decide what you will do if tantrums ensue, or cooperative behavior is shown. Be sure to praise cooperation and good tolerance; and it’s OK to empathize with the feelings of frustration. However, be careful not to give into the tantrum. You don’t want to encourage that behavior! And if your children have difficulty with the experience, you may want to consider scheduling it at a different time.
And if you are wading in a situation where the choice is to have fun and be spontaneous, or stick to the logical path, sometimes, you might just want to get your clothes wet.
As published in Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: children's biorhythms, delay gratification, frustration tolerance, mother, naptime, parents, scolding, swimming, tantrum, tantrums, toy store
Posted in Discipline | Add a Comment »
Saturday, July 19th, 2008
Dear Dr. Vicki,
My friends say they need to keep their kids doing worksheets over the summer so they start the new school year on a good foot. My son cries and yells through the whole thing. He could really use the review but is it worth the torment? We all have to do things in life we don’t want to do, but is this one of them? What is the best thing a parent can do to prepare their child for the upcoming school year? What should summer be about for our kids and ourselves??
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Great questions! The fact that you are asking them is absolutely wonderful.
I think that learning should be an on-going process all year long. I guess for me it’s a matter of what shape and form that learning takes. Many, many children equate worksheets with school, and believe that they are ‘off’ over the summer. For some children, this works. Particularly since the first few weeks of school tend to be review at the younger grades. Other children need to keep up their skills. If they love it; great. If they don’t, then what to do?
I totally agree that children need to learn to do things even if they don’t like to do them. I just want to be careful that teaching this point doesn’t become counter-productive to the (academic) skills you really want to teach. There needs to be a fine line between keeping up the math skills, and contributing to a severe hatred of school work.
I think that all children should have some time each day during the summer to spend on quiet activities, academics and reading. These things should go on all year long. Some children do much better with school work on the computer than on a worksheet. Others do well if they can crawl into their parent’s lap, much like reading, and work on other things.
Here are a few tips:
• Set aside some quiet time for your children, so that any ‘work’ you want them to do is not creating disruption to playing or TV time, etc. This time needs to be spent in a way that you feel is productive.
• Perhaps there can be a choice of what kind of activity/worksheet, etc. that they can pick from on any particular day.
• Any chance that your children can do worksheets together with a friend? That would probably cut down on the verbal protests, and would be an extension of their time together.
• Perhaps if you want to strengthen math skills, a quiz could be given on Mon. If all the problems are correct, then your child does not need to do any more math that week. The next week, the quiz could be on a more difficult operation, or harder problems. If there are mistakes, perhaps for each error, another worksheet needs to be done. (One a day, etc.) That would mean if only 2 mistakes were made, then only two sheets would need to be completed during the week.
• You might want to give the weekends off, since that is how it is with school and with most jobs. So, if the weekend is strictly for playing, then adding a bit of learning to the week might be more palatable. Just like their parents’ jobs.
• If your children have a particular interest, such as bugs, sharks, flowers, etc…there is no reason that math problems can’t be created to incorporate things that are more appealing to them.
• You might also give a treat for a job well-done (and that means honest effort, with little grumbling, not necessarily 100% correct.)
• Loving connections are always in season! And it doesn’t have to be an either/or; it can certainly be both.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: academics, computer, learning, parent, reading, school, school work, summer, worksheets
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
Thursday, July 17th, 2008
Teachers are constantly telling them to pay attention, sit still and try harder. These students often are trying hard. Very hard. But they are constantly battling themselves. The problem: a disability that is invisible because people see only the handicap. Children labeled hyper, lazy or even slow learners often have a neurological chemical imbalance called “Attention Deficit Disorder.”
“I see a lot of children with ADD (with or without hyperactivity),” said Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D., child psychologist in Melbourne. “It’s a real neurological disorder and I think we’re getting better at defining the symptoms that go along with this disorder.
” It’s been called a number of names—minimal brain dysfunction, organic brain syndrome—and each time the diagnostic manuals update it, it seems to be better defined.”
Panaccione said children with hyperactivity disorders are easy to identify, but those who are not hyper and have ADD, who still are distracted, impulsive and inattentive, often get missed.
Those children, she said, need further diagnosis, psychological assessments and behavior ratings. “ADD kids, if not diagnosed and treated, can develop secondary symptoms of poor peer relations, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence because they’re not able to, or have a weakness in their ability to manage themselves,” Panaccione said. “If we catch it early, then perhaps the secondary symptoms won’t develop.” She said it is important to work with parents as well as the children and the schools in treating ADD.
“I teach parents how to set behavior limits for children who cannot limit and structure themselves, and I also teach strategies for helping children learn how to compensate for their weaknesses, such as making charts to help them remember what their morning routine should be or using timers and beat-the-clock games to help them stay on task.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, behavior, disability, distracted, hyper, hyperactivity, impulsive, inattentive, lazy, neurological disorder
Posted in Education | Add a Comment »
Sunday, July 13th, 2008
Relocation creates major stress for some. Mental health experts say uprooting your family and moving to another city is one of the most stressful experiences you’ll endure—right under death and divorce, but ahead of taking out a mortgage or having trouble with your boss.
“Relocation creates major stress,” said child psychologist Vicki Panaccione. “It changes many other things in your life, so that it really compounds the degree of stress in your life.”
Leaving family and friends, familiar surroundings, and the house where you raised your children evokes emotions of grief, said Panaccione. The sense of loss is great.
“The first thing I would recommend would be to bring some closure to the place you’re leaving,” she said. “For children especially, it is important to say goodbye (to their home, friends, school, teachers), collect memorabilia and take pictures so that they can take some memories with them that will help with the transition.”
Relocation is particularly difficult for children because they’re losing their stability, their sense of security.
“It’s very scary, even for the older ones, because of fear of the unknown,” said Panaccione. “Being the new kid on the block can be very tough.”
To help, she recommends reassuring children that the family will be intact and that life as they’ve known it will go on.
Panaccione’s transition tips include:
1) Make arrangements to stay in contact with friends.
2) If you have a chance to explore the new setting before the move, do so. When you move, things will seem more familiar.
3) Keep familiar things around. People try to be practical and get rid of a lot of possessions before the move. Keep things that are familiar, especially for children. For example, toys you have here are the toys you’ll have in the new house.
4) Communicate. Talk to the children about their feelings and what they think it’s going to be like somewhere else.
5) Get the children involved. Let them help box their stuff rather than come home one day and find everything in boxes.
6) Let the children be involved in (if possible) choosing the new neighborhood and have some say in what kind of house (or room) they want.
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: fear, grief, loss, memories, moving, reassure, relocation, security, stability, stress, transition
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
Self-injury, sometimes called self mutilation, is difficult to talk about. People who do it to themselves feel ashamed. Often, they don’t know why they do it—their explanations are simply that they were feeling bad and looking for attention.
Child psychologist Vicki Panaccione of Melbourne said it is not very common in her practice but she does see it.
“Children who are hurting themselves…it tends to be a real cry for help or a need to get noticed in some way. Generally, these children have very poor self-esteem and some have been abused and feel that they deserve this abuse, that that’s all they deserve.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: abused, ashamed, attention, self mutilation, self-esteem
Posted in Education, Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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