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Archive for February, 2009
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have two children, ages 9 and 12. I have to work and I don’t have anyone to watch them, so they come home after school and stay in until I get home. My friends think they are too young. What do you think?
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Latchkey decisions are tough calls. However, you are certainly not alone in your dilemma. Nearly 7 million children ages 5 to 14 were regularly left unsupervised while their parents were at work or away for other reasons, according to a 2000 Census report. That’s a staggering number! Unfortunately, many children are not up to the task.
I recommend that children who stay home alone must be mature enough to handle the responsibility. Be sure to ask whether they feel comfortable with the idea. It is important that your children feel safe and comfortable coming home to an empty house. If a child doesn’t feel comfortable, then a parent should not consider this option.
Giving a particular age at which a child can be left alone is difficult because maturity levels vary. There are 10-year-olds who are mature enough to handle household emergencies, dial 911 and call parents. Yet some 15-year-olds are not mature enough to be left alone.
I am not comfortable leaving children younger than 12 at home without supervision because of safety concerns. And leaving a 12-year-old to be responsible for a younger sibling is a huge responsibility to rest on his shoulders.
On the other hand, leaving a child at home can be a positive experience for the right family. A child can feel as though it’s a privilege with a chance to prove maturity. If the child feels like this is ‘cool,’ then fine. But be careful. I am seeing too many children who are anxious because they are being required to assume more responsibility than they can handle. Parents are requiring them to act older than their age.
If you must leave them alone, be sure to have strict security measures in place. Teach them how to call 911 in case of an emergency. Other safety measures include having other emergency phone numbers on the refrigerator, program the telephone so children can reach you by pushing one button, check with neighbors to see whether they can help if needed, have them check in with you as soon as they get home, continue to have regular phone contact with them until you get home.
Also, set strict rules on what the children can and cannot do. Cooking, inviting friends over or answering the door are big no-no’s. And make sure they are aware of the rules and follow them completely.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: emergency, empty house, latchkey, maturity, parent, responsibility, rules, safety, safety measures, supervision
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 12th, 2009
Two Brevard teens in a fatal wreck didn’t buckle up.
Melbourne child psychologist Dr. Vicki Panaccione said parents shouldn’t underestimate the impact of a teenager’s death among surviving classmates—even those unacquainted with the deceased.
“Teenagers are feeling invincible. They’re growing into independence and into their own autonomy,” she said. “If they’ve experienced death before, it’s usually an older person, a grandparent, something that was expected.”
But when one of their own dies, it’s usually, ‘Oh my gosh, I used to see them in the hall and they’re no longer here.’ So the trauma and shock is very real, even at a distance. That’s why parents need to take their (children’s) grieving seriously, and pay attention to what they’re going through.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Brevard, buckle up, crash, fatal, invincible, seat belt, shock, teenager’s death, trauma, warnings
Posted in Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 12th, 2009
This article comes from a column called Stepfamily Advice in Philly Women, written by Lisa Cohn.
Dear Lisa:
My brother-in-law lost his wife to illness 7 years ago when his own children were 6 and 2 1/2. Last year he met a woman who was divorced with children in the same age range as his. She seemed very nice and pleasant but in the year following their marriage, the real stepmother has presented herself.
Last summer she claimed that my brother-law’s daughter, the oldest at 12, was a thief, liar and total behavior issue. The child was grounded for all of the summer except for about two weeks. My niece was part of Girl Scouts–she was doing that before the marriage and so were the new stepdaughters. The Girl Scout leaders have prohibited the stepmom from going on outings because of her abusive approach to discipline not only to her own girls but the other girls as well.
When my niece talked to the guidance counselor at school and asked to have Children’s Services called because of her own visible bruises last fall, Children Services investigated and then dismissed the case based on unsubstantiated evidence.
Now the abuse is verbal and control by punishment. During the late winter and early spring, the focus on the whipping boy changed to my brother-in-law’s son. Meanwhile the children have not been allowed to visit us and certain members of the family who verbally contested the treatment are eliminated from the circle all together.
In the 7 years before he met this woman, my brother-in-law was completely involved with his children. Now he is the talk of the community about how his own children are being treated in this new relationship. She is the dominating, manipulative one and he is the enabler by allowing her full reign in the guise of needing to support his wife as they become one family.
(We are trying)to figure out the best way to help and support the children. I will be very interested in any help that you might have to offer.
M.D.
Dear M.D.:
This is an upsetting story, and I’m so glad you’re trying to protect your niece and nephew.
David J. Draganosky, a partner with the family law practice Fox Rothschild LLP., says that if you suspect child abuse, you must keep the safety of the children in mind. “Therefore, it is important to act quickly so that further abuse can be prevented.” You should contact Children’s Services again. In Pennsylvania, for example, you’d file a complaint to the Department of Public Welfare under the Child Protective Services Law, he explains. The Department would then contact your county’s youth social service agency. However, if the county agency suspects abuse, it’s likely that the children would be taken into protective custody and placed in foster care.
If you call, you can identify yourself or remain anonymous.
Vicki Panaccione, a Ph.D. child psychologist and and Founder of the Better Parenting Institute, says that you could petition the courts or Children’s Services to appoint a “guardian ad litem.” She says that guardians serve as advocates for the children. “They can get in and investigate in ways that other social service workers cannot.” If you plan to reveal information communicated by the children, be sure to let the kids know you plan to disclose it. Otherwise, they may feel betrayed, she says.
As published in Philadelphia Daily News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: abusive, child abuse, Child Protective Services Law, Department of Public Welfare, dominating, foster care, guardian-ad-litem, guardians, manipulative, Stepmother
Posted in Family | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
My daughter and her “best friend” are once again battling over, “She said then she said and I heard you said…” There are three girls involved and this time my daughter is odd man out. It is difficult to stand by and watch. When do I or should I intervene? Should I just let it ride its course? The one girl is ALWAYS in the center of any and every conflict. Yet my daughter and she have similar likes and always gravitate towards each other (especially when told to stay away from her.) What to do?
Dr. Vicki’s Response:
I’m glad you asked!
Being a parent and watching our children suffer in any way is very tough to withstand. It’s even more difficult when we basically have to stand by and watch it happen, knowing that our children have to work things out for themselves.
Three is tough. Three is a triangle, which generally involves someone feeling left out. Some of the situation you describe will probably take care of itself, but may surface again.
Although you can’t pick your daughter’s friends, you certainly can have some say who she can hang out with. If she is told to stay away from a certain girl, then she needs to listen to you. OR you probably need to talk with her about why she feels the need to be with her, and help her look at the pros and cons of being her friend.
I think the key here is communicating with your daughter, which means listening more than talking. As parents, we tend to try to make upset feelings go away, by saying things like, “It will pass,” “They’re not true friends, “or “This is part of growing up,” etc. etc.
However, while those things are trying to make it better, they actually can make the situation worse. Because none of these responses have to do with listening to our children, allowing them to vent, and simply empathizing with them.
Once we try to make it better, any of the things we try to say can actually make our children feel as though we really don’t understand. Because saying, “It will pass,” in the middle of the crisis, isn’t really helpful. And they don’t want to hear that they are not true friends, because our children want them to be.
By the time you get this response, things may actually have resolved. Children’s squabbles tend to come and go. However, if this still causes your daughter emotional distress, here are a few suggestions:
- Allow her to talk about her feelings, and why she wants to be friends with these girls. Just listen and empathize. Then, ask her what she would like to do about the situation.
- Involve her in an activity where she has an opportunity to make other friends.
- Encourage her to invite over some other friend, so she has an opportunity to have several ‘groups’ or individuals she can do things with if she is on the ‘outs’ with one set of friends.
- If you really want to restrict her being with anyone, give it a time limit. Tell her she can’t hang around with ____ for a week, to cool things down; and then you can come back and reevaluate. Be sure to ask her how it’s going, and the degree of difficulty/distress this is creating. Use the week to encourage her to find another friend to spent time with, inviting her over, going to the park, etc.
- Allow her to hang out with either of these girls only by themselves, thereby eliminating the triangle. Three is hard; a pair is much easier to deal with.
- If the trouble continues, ask your daughter how you can help. She might want you to intervene, or feel horrified at the thought. Respect her wishes, because creating embarrassement will only make matters worse. And the most important thing is for your daughter to feel she can come and talk to you, without the possibility of betrayal or unwanted interference.
Hang in there. I believe this, too, shall pass. Helping your daughter problem-solve her way through this difficulty can serve her well in the future.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: betrayal, children, communicating, conflict, friends, parents, peer triangle, problem-solve, triangle
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
Parenting can be a very humbling experience. Oftentimes, we feel at a loss about what to do. In those cases, I propose using the rule of T.H.U.M.B. I’m not talking about your green thumb (or in my case a brown thumb!), but rather your golden T.H.U.M.B. Like the Golden Rule, your golden T.H.U.M.B. provides a guideline to take you back to basics.
The acronym T.H.U.M.B. uses each letter to represent a key element to successful parenting. Instead of starting with T, I’m going straight to the heart of the word, to U, where I think successful parenting begins.
U is for unconditional love. The unconditional love of a parent is without question the most important message to convey: “No matter what you do, I will always love you.” It is crucial to separate out disapproval regarding a behavior vs. constant love for your child. Unconditional love also means unconditional validation, expressing belief that your child is a valued, special person without needing to prove his/her self. It is about the person your child is, and not about what he or she does.
OK, Back to T. T is for Tuning In to your children. Recognizing their unique qualities and needs allows you to take these into consideration when interacting with them. Of course, in order to do this, you need to spend time (another T) to really get to know them, and listen to what they have to say. Allow their styles and preferences to be expressed and considered when making behavioral demands
H is for Honor. It means honoring and respecting your children, speaking and treating them as you would want to be treated. When we treat children as worthy of honor, they will be more likely to honor others. Honoring does not make them peers; it makes them valued members of the family.
M is for Modeling Behavior. The behaviors you model are the behaviors your children will learn. If you want them to be responsible, kind, respectful, moral, independent, loving, honorable, etc., then, you must show them how to lead an honorable, kind, moral, respectful, etc. life. Knowing that they can count on Mom and Dad to “do the right thing” provides a strong sense of security and stability for your children, and a model by which they can fashion their lives. They may drift astray, but are likely to come back to being the kind of person you modeled.
B is for Be there! Pure and simple. Make sure your children know that you will always be there for them—no matter what! This will provide them with the security to venture forth into the world, with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
So, maintaining a healthy relationship with your child, involves following your rule of T.H.U.M.B.: Tune in, Honor and respect, Unconditional love and validation, Model desirable behavior, and Be there!
When you are at a loss, look no further than your T.H.U.M.B. Let it be a reminder to get back to basics and put these principles into action. These simple steps will help bring you closer to your children. And that deserves a big thumb’s up!
As published in the Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: honor, loving, moral, Parenting, respect, responsible, security, stability, T.H.U.M.B, unconditional love, validation
Posted in Discipline | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
It happens all too often. Whether it’s a quick trip to meet friends for breakfast or a late night out at a party, what teenagers may picture as a harmless good time can become a parent’s nightmare.
Regardless of the cause, two teens lost their lives, something every parent dreads.
Experts say there are some actions that parents can take to keep their kids safe as they encounter peer pressure and parties involving alcohol and drugs.
“The first thing parents need to let their child know is that they can call them any time, from anywhere, no questions asked,” said Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a Melbourne child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute. “They need to know that their safety comes first.”
Panaccione suggested setting up ‘secret codes’ ahead of time, for when a child feels uncomfortable asking for help around friends at a party.
“You can say, ‘How’s Uncle Bob doing,” and that will mean, ‘Come and pick me up.’”
Even with plans like this, it’s often hard to drill into teenage minds that some things are unsafe. So, Panaccione suggests starting to teach them about parties and peer pressure at a young age.
“Teenagers never think it can happen to them,” Panaccione said. “That’s why it’s important to communicate with them early on and begin building up their trust in you.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: "secret codes", Communication, peer pressure, safety, teenagers, trust
Posted in Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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