Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
 
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Archive for May, 2010

School’s Out For Summer

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

“Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto” Radio series update May 27: Time with your kids: There tends to be a lot of stress and pressure during the school year, what with homework, cramming in extracurricular activities, and early bedtimes. But the summer offers a chance to slow down, be less scheduled and more laid back. Now, I know that many of you probably have to still get to your jobs on time, drop the kids at day camp, or leave last minute instruction as you dash off to work. However, the evenings and weekends can be less harried and more enjoyable.

Summer may give you an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with your children. Whether you have one child or many, kids like to spend individual time with each parent. Whenever possible, choose an activity that you both have an interest in. If it is difficult to find a shared activity, then kid’s choice (within reason) should apply. Remember, this is time for your child to have you all to herself, enjoying your company and sharing her interest with you.

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Attitude is everything…choose a positive one today
  2. Enjoy the chance to be less structured
  3. Plan family outings
  4. Spend some one-on-one time with each of your kids
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

Kids ‘Sold’ As Slaves?

Monday, May 24th, 2010

How far do you take a history lesson?

I was called by the Delaware News Journal to comment on a story about a history lesson in a Delaware school, that had, perhaps, gone too far. The article, as published in the journal on May 4, 2010 read,

“Eleven-year-old Micaela Reyes’ best friend and four other students were sold into slavery last week during a private-school lesson in Roman history and behavior reinforcement. The exercise was incorporated into a fifth-grade history lesson titled “Rome, Ruler of the Ancient World” at Eagle’s Nest Christian Academy, a school in Milton for pre-kindergarten through eighth grade. The five students who were auctioned off to classmates had low merit points, said Reyes’ mother, Margaret, who called the lesson “demeaning.”

Child psychologist (Dr.) Vicki Panaccione of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla., said teaching history experientially is a good way to explain practices and occurrences of the day. But, she said, singling out low-performing students and using them as slaves only serves to enforce a negative stigma.

“If they volunteered, that would have been one thing,” she said. “But to take the kids at the bottom of the (academic) performance — that’s just like putting a big ‘L’ for loser on their foreheads.”

My comments in the article only begin to voice the concern I had about this exercise. Slavery was abominable, no doubt about it. And, trying to simulate it in a learning experience can be an effective way of teaching. That being said, if the kids auctioned were volunteers, or were chosen by some random criterion (i.e. blue eyes, below a certain height, seated in the first row, etc.) that would be more palatable. But to choose them based on their number of merit points (earned by grades, behavior, etc.) can cause not only embarrassment, but long lasting damage to their self-esteem.

Kids with low grades, lesser capabilities, etc. already are painfully aware of their limitations or how they measure up to their peers. Singling them out to play a demeaning role is just poor judgment. Not only that…school is supposed to be a safe place for children. It shouldn’t be a place to be singled out for potential ridicule, or worse…internal shame. Let’s teach this lesson as it should be: by having everyone take turns, first being the auctioned slaves, and then being their owners. There is something to be learned by the idea of ‘owning’ someone and putting a value on his/her worth, just as much as to experience the degradation of being treatment as an object to be bought.

Click here to read the complete story.

UPDATE: I would like to share with you a comment sent to me from the parents of Michaela Reyes’ mother:

Dear Dr. Vicki,

I personally wanted to thank you for your assessment of the slavery auction on the children at my daughter’s school. She suffered after the article and was singled out for punishment by the teacher, and was then accused of practicing witchcraft because her shirt was untucked. not withstanding, she was the top performing child academically in her entire grade.
She is an amazing child – and I am so proud of her resilience and her performance inspite of all that happened and did not fail to tell her. I also showed her your article to re-enforce she was right.
so thank you again.

Sincerely,
Margaret and Micaela Reyes

Summer With The Kids: Attitude Is Everything

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

A day at the zoo

“Kids are from Krypton: Parents are from Pluto” Radio series update May 20: School’s getting out:  Is that a good thing?  What I find is parents fall into one of two categories:  those who are thrilled to have the kids home, and the others who dread summer and can’t wait for school to start again.  For some, summer is a friend; for others a foe.  Same event; different responses.  Why?  One word…ATTITUDE!  The messages that you send yourself, whether positive or negative, whether conscious or unconscious determine your attitude.  And, ATTITUDE is everything.

Take the zoo, for instance.  If you are looking forward to taking your kids to the zoo, you might be thinking: “I remember going to the zoo as a kid.  I always liked the giraffes best.  It will be fun to share it with my kids.”  If your attitude is positive, you’ll probably smile and be enthusiastic.  As a result, your kids will feel as though you really want to be with them, and you will probably all enjoy the day and each others’ company.

On the other hand, your thinking could go something like this:  “I have so much to do today, I wish I could get out of talking the kids to the zoo again; I really don’t like the heat and the smell.  And, really…how many times do they need to see a giraffe, anyway?  Then, guess how your day will be?  As a result of these negative messages,  you will probably be miserable, act impatiently and your kids will sense your annoyance, feeling as though you really don’t want to be with them.  They may even act out in frustration.

So, which do you choose?  Would you like to have pleasant times to create lasting memories?  Or, another annoying day to add to your long list?  Attitude is everything.  You get to choose.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women


The Do’s and Don’ts of Discipline

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto Radio series update May 13: Today’s show focusing on the do’s and don’ts of discipline actually had only one ‘don’t.’ That being: Don’t use don’t! What? We are so conditioned to tell kids what not to do, that we very rarely tell them what they should do.

Focus on thumbs up!For instance, “Don’t Hit,” can be taught the same way by saying, “Keep your hands to yourself.” Another example might be: “Don’t be rude;” in the positive approach you might say: “Please say that with nicer words.” Same lesson, different tone. One tells kids what to move away from, and the other focuses on what to do, which leads them in a positive direction. This way, you tell them what action to take, rather than which path not to take. And, it also teaches kids to focus on their own positives. For instance, they can get 2 wrong on a math test or 8 right. Which do you think builds them up? How you phrase things can build kids up or knock them down.

Top 5 Tips of the Week

  1. Set positive expectations
  2. Focus on what your kids are doing right
  3. Give positive feedback
  4. Reward the desired behavior
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women


Happy Mother’s Day

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

How was your Mother’s Day? Lovely, I hope. Filled with flowers, hearts and good behavior from the kids? How is your day today? Still full of hearts and flowers…or back to the same old, same old?

Do your days go something like this?:

“Johnny, did you hear me?”

“I hate you!”

“How many times do I have to tell you…?”

“Whatever…”

“Apologize to your sister!”

“I wish I was never born.”

“You did what???”

“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”

“I don’t care.”

“I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall…”

“I’m stupid.”

“Clean your room.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Go to bed!”

“He started it!”

“Just ignore it.”

Sound familiar?

Day after day I see families in my office whose children treat their parents with hostility and defiance. Or with disregard. The lack of respect for authority is rampant. And parents oftentimes feel powerless, and overwhelmed. “What can I do?” is a frequent lament that I hear. Many parents have abdicated their authority, and their children are growing up with disrespect.

And then, once a year, these same children stop and ‘honor’ their mothers. Sure, flowers, breakfast in bed and homemade or store-bought cards and gifts are wonderful. It’s nice to be treated with respect and appreciation.

But once a year is not enough!

Once a year is hypocrisy.

Now don’t get me wrong. I think special days should be celebrated. Like birthdays, anniversaries, life cycle events. They deserve some extra celebration. However, it is not enough to honor, show appreciation and respect just once a year. These are life lessons that need to be taught to our children, and modeled and practiced on a regular basis. The year should be full of acts of kindness, celebrations of our children and parents, appreciation for one another and cooperation and partnership within the family.

What Are You Doing Right?

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Having fun with your kids in the park!Kids are from Krypton, Parents are from Pluto: Radio series update May 6: When’s the last time someone told you that you were doing a great job? How about that you are doing a great job being a parent? We all need to feel good about ourselves, and about what we are doing.

In the midst of trying to raise kids, you might find yourself just focusing on what you have to do, what you didn’t do, what you didn’t do right—and never take time to pat yourself on the back. Well, today’s show did just that: Looked at what you are doing right. And before you start yes-butting, just know that while there’s always more you can do, celebrate the things you are already doing. For instance, think about how much you do to teach moral and values; spend time together; set a good example; show them how proud you are; value their education; and most importantly, love them unconditionally. Please feel free to add more ‘rights’ of your own. And at the end of each day, I encourage you to stop and think about not went wrong or what you didn’t get done. Instead, think about what you did right—and give yourself a pat on the back!

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Pat yourself on the back for something each day.
  2. Focus on what you enjoyed about your kids each day.
  3. Find 10 things each day to be grateful about.
  4. Celebrate all wins!
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Coming up next week:  the do’s and don’ts of discipline.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

Use the rod…Spoil the Child—The Spanking Controversy!

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto Radio series update April 29: Did you know that kids who are spanked on a regular basis are more likely to have low self-esteem, depression, lower grades and consequently lower paying jobs? Spanked kids are more aggressive when younger, tend to grow up to spank their kids, learn not only that it’s OK to hit when angry, but it’s also permissible to use objects as weapons (belts, wooden spoons, etc.) And, more disturbing to me is the fact that kids learn to fear rather than respect their parents, and come to rely less on them for their own security and safety.

The next few weeks will be focusing on alternatives to spanking.

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Remember the object of discipline is to teach.
  2. Before raising your hand, ask one question: Do I love him?
  3. Foster respect, not fear.
  4. Recognize that just because your parents spanked, doesn’t mean you have to.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women


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dr vicki panaccione

Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.

“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more...

 
 
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