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March 5th, 2010
Update from heartbeatradiousa.com: The comments are streaming in—parents love this new show! Today we talked about ways to listen—in order to keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids.
Here’s a brief summary:
There are many times that we hear the words, but don’t listen to the meaning. Or we attend to words, but not body language, tone and what isn’t being said. Communication involves the ability to pay attention to what your kids think and feel. It means not to talk, but to listen. When kids feel that you listen, they will talk to you. If they feel that you listen to the little things, then they are more likely to bring bigger issues to you as they arise. Listening builds trust. When you listen, you are telling your kids that what they have to say is important to you.
Top 5 Tips for the Week:
- Give your kids your undivided attention.
- Listen without interruption or judgment.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Thank them for sharing.
- Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.
Tags: children, Communication, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Kids Are From Krypton, listen, listening, parents, Parents Are From Pluto
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March 2nd, 2010
Once upon a time in India, six blind men came across an elephant. Each of the six examined a different part to determine what an elephant was like.
The first man examined an ear and thought an elephant was like a fan.
The second man examined the side of the elephant and thought an elephant was like a wall.
The third man examined elephant’s tail and thought an elephant was like a rope.
The fourth man examined the elephant’s trunk and thought an elephant was like a
snake.
The fifth man examined the elephant’s leg and though an elephant was very much like a tree.
The sixth man examined the elephant’s tusk and thought an elephant was like a spear.
Sam Gross, the cartoonist actually added a seventh man who touched the elephant’s droppings and thought the elephant was soft and mushy!
Then they all went away to tell their story of what an elephant was like. When they compared notes on what they learned, they found themselves in complete disagreement!
So, who was right? They were all right, of course, based on their own personal perspective. Could it be argued that they were all wrong? Of course. Because you know what an elephant is really like. But, you wouldn’t be able to convince any one of them, because their experience and perspective told them otherwise. So, they all had the same intention; they were all at the same place at the same time. And yet, based on their own personal experience, they came away with very different viewpoints.
This story illustrates how much reality may be viewed differently depending upon one’s perspective. This same scenario plays out everyday with your kids. You think you’re on the same page—and find that you’re not even on the same planet! And, if you don’t talk with them—yes, with not at—you’ll never know which part of the elephant they touched—and how much their perspective of the situation can vary from your own.
Enjoy your kids!
Dr. Vicki
Tags: children, Communication, kids, perspective, viewpoint
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March 1st, 2010
As I mentioned last week, I am doing a new parenting series, called “Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto.” It’s on heartbeatradiousa.com every Thursday at 1:30 EST. You can listen by live stream or WRHB Heartbeat Radio for Women.
This week, the title of the segment was W.A.I.T.—Why Am I Talking? As you might guess, we discussed the need to listen to your kids if you really want to be able to really keep the lines of communication open. Next up: Getting to Really Know Your Kids…One Conversation At a Time. (March 3)
Top 5 tips of week 2:
- Listen.
- Respond, don’t react.
- Let your kids know that what they have to say is important.
- Talk to them on their level.
- Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.
Tags: children, Communication, kids, Parenting, parents, WRHB Heartbeat Radio For Women. Kids Are From Krypton Parents Are From Pluto
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February 25th, 2010
Oprah’s latest question of the week was: Does Everyone Have an Inner Voice?
My answer…a resounding YES!
Sound familiar?….
“I’m not going to do that to my kids”, “I’m never going to be like them,” “When I grow up and have kids, I’m never going to spank them”…
How many times did you find yourself thinking that when you were a child? And yet, years later…All of a sudden, something comes out of your mouth and OH NO…
“I sound just like my mother!” “Argh!”
Or you get so angry with your son that you find yourself raising your hand and…
“What am I doing? I swore I would never hit my kids like dad did to us!”
What you are doing is following your internal programming, your subconscious, what Blair Singer calls your ‘Little Voice’…that’s right, the one that’s buzzing inside your head right now saying, “What little voice? I don’t have a little voice!” That’s the one.
We all have a Little Voice (LV) that rules us without our even knowing it. I liken the LV to a file cabinet filled with CD’s. When you are born, you come into the world with a file cabinet, the drawers full of blank CD’s—CD’s with nothing on them.
This means that you came into this world with no preconceived notions of how you ought to be. No internal voice telling you who you are. And this is true…as a newborn, you played by nobody’s rules but your own. Because blank CD’s make no sound.
Then, life kicks in and you become bombarded by messages, positive and negative, spoken and implied. They come from not only your mother, as the title suggests, but from your parents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders, other family members and friends, as well as traumas, random events, etc. Any time a message had a significant impact on your subconscious, you were inwardly told to save this one…burn the CD…and live according to this message. Hence, your ever-expanding CD collection became your Little Voice…popped in and played over and over again in your mind, molding your thinking, beliefs, and consequently your behavior. Your LV began ruling your life from the time you were very young and continues to rule right up to the present day!
We all have a combination of positive and negative CD’s composing our LV, which 99% of the time we don’t even know are playing. Every so often it screams: “Warning—don’t do it!” This could be a message intended to protect you, or to hold you back. Regardless of why a particular message got burned to one of your CD’s, they are being continually repeated in your mind. Right now, the LV rules you. It has tremendous power and influence over you, because most of the time, you don’t even know it’s there!
In his revolutionary book, “Little Voice” Mastery, How to Win the War Between your Ears in 30 Seconds or Less—and Have an Extraordinary Life! Blair Singer helps people gain control over that self-sabotaging ‘Little Voice’ that prevents them from being the best they can be!” Click here to check it out!
Why am I telling you this? Because I am extremely proud to say that Blair Singer and I have joined forces and are in the process of co-authoring the sequel to his book! “Little Voice” Mastery for Parents focuses specifically on how your ‘Little Voice’ affects the way you are raising your kids. The more control you get of your ‘Little Voice,’ the more effective you will be as a parent. You will find yourself more able to identify when you are functioning on auto-pilot, so you can tell your ‘Little Voice’ to take a hike and parent the way you choose! Stay tune for more details as we get closer to the launch…
Tags: "Little Voice Mastery", Blair Singer, child, children, inner voice, internal programming, kids, little voice, Little Voice Mastery for Parents, Oprah, parent
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February 19th, 2010
Well, I hope you were able to catch my radio debut. It is a new parenting series, “Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto™”. It’s on heartbeatradiousa.com every Thursday at 1:30 pm EST. Catch it on live stream or WRHB Heartbeat Radio for Women. For the next four weeks, we’ll be talking about communicating with your kids. Each week I’ll be posting communication tips of the week. Hope you can join us next week (February 25th)!
Here are the Top 5 Tips for the week:
- Put yourself in your kids’ shoes. They see the world from a WHOLE different perspective!
- Set a good example. Kids learn not only from what you say, but also from how you live your life.
- Speak to your kids in a respectful manner. Respect doesn’t mean equality; it shows your kids they are valuable beings.
- Make sure your actions match your words. If you say something, but behave in a different way, behavior will win out every time.
- Show your kids you love them…through your words, actions and examples.
Have a great week! And don’t forget to:
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: children, communicating, Communication, kids, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, parents, radio debut, respect, WRHB Heartbeat Radio For Women
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February 18th, 2010
Hey, Everyone: Check out my new parenting series, Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto™ heard weekly on Heartbeat Radio for Women WRHB 1410 am with Mary McBryde, Thursdays from 1:30-2:00 pm EST. You are welcome to tune in via our live stream at heartbeatradiousa.com. First four weeks will be looking at various challenges of talking with (yes, with…not at) your kids. Here’s the line-up:
Feb. 18 Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto™: The words you say are not always what kids hear. In this segment we will discuss the various ways we communicate, and why behavior really does speak louder than words. The answers may shock you!
Feb. 25 WAIT! Why am I talking?: Second segment will focus on the fact that while we want our kids to talk with us, many of us seem to do anything in our power to ‘put a sock in it’ when the kids try to talk. Emphasis will be on the importance of responding, rather than reacting to our kids’ attempts to communicate…and listen!
Mar 4 Getting to Really Know Your Kids…one conversation at a time: Third segment highlights ways to keep a conversation going so you REALLY get to find out, ‘How was school?…’How was the party?’…’How was practice?’…
Mar 11 What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask: Last segment will identify all the conversations you DON’T have to have with your kids, where to have them, and the importance of including the whole family in sharing the answers.
Tune in and then let me know what you think!
Enjoy your kids…even when Kids are from Krypton ; Parents are from Pluto™/strong>
Tags: communicate, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, Mary McBryde, Parenting, parents, radio show WRHB 1410, www.heartbeatradiouwsa.com
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February 15th, 2010
The other day, in her Spirit newsletter, Oprah asked women: “Are You Second-String in Your Own Life?” The accompanying article addressing this topic was written by Caroline Myss discussing the way women sabotage themselves in their love relationships.
Well, I am here to tell you that I watch women sabotage themselves every day in their relationship with their kids and their mates. They are so busy taking care of others, that they neglect their own needs, allow themselves to be treated like doormats and give away their authority. Well…
When you forget to treat yourself as special and important, then it’s easy for other family members to forget, as well. If, in fact, you want your kids to treat you with respect and hold you in high esteem…then you have to treat yourself that way!!!
Taking care of yourself is crucial for a variety of reasons.
- First and foremost, it sends a clear message that you are important. That you are not simply someone who takes care of others, but someone who also takes care of herself.
- Secondly, taking care of yourself sets the example for your children to eat well, exercise, get enough rest, take care of their appearance, etc. This is the model from which your children will learn.
- And finally, taking care of yourself helps you refuel. If you do not take care of yourself, there is the very real risk of running out of fuel. Running on empty leads to impatience, sickness, and totally depletion. The more you take care of yourself, the more energy, patience and joy you will have available to take care of your children and enjoy being a parent.
Top 5 things you can do for yourself:
- Treat yourself well. What makes your heart sing? Get a manicure, pedicure, facial, hair cut or massage. Or, better yet, spend the day at a spa getting the works! And, please—if you have medical concerns, see a doctor (one for grown-ups; not the kind who gives out lollipops or stickers if you’re good.)
- Sign up for some activity of interest. How about a class you’ve been wanting to take?: exercise, yoga, watercolors, photography, pottery (or do what Demi Moore did—bring the wheel home and use your imagination!)
- Make a date to meet a friend for lunch—once a week.
- Buy yourself something you don’t really need. Fresh cut flowers, a great smelling candle, a new outfit, a bubble bath set (like you buy for gifts, but never for yourself)… and then use it!
- Make yourself a promise to stop at the end of each day and think of what you did right, and what you enjoy about being a parent. Because, after all…the better you do, the better they become.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!
Tags: Carloline Myss, childredn, energy, exercise, Family, kids, Oprah, parent, parents, sabotage, taking care of yourself
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February 14th, 2010
Making time for each other
You plan everything else in your day—when to get up, take the kids to school, doctor’s appt, hair appt (what’s that?), grocery shopping, cooking, homework time, nap time, sports practices…. Are these all important? You bet!
You also plan family fun activities, like going to the zoo, the park, a movie, play dates, trips, etc. Are these all important? You bet!
But what’s missing??? Actually, two things…time for yourself and time for your mate. Taking care of yourself is extremely important, and will need to be the topic of another blog. For right now, I would like to make suggestions about what you can do with the kids in order to have couple time. “Easier said than done,” you might say. And, you are probably right! Easier to get divorced than remain in a loving relationship? Probably not.
What to do with the kids in order to have couple time:
- Take advantage of nap times.
- Come home for lunch when the kids are in school.
- Send the kids to a night at their grandparents, loving aunt and uncle or distant cousin.
- Swap sitter nights with your friend. You watch their kids one night, they yours another.
- Hire a babysitter to take the kids to the park on the weekend.
- Let your kids spend a night with their friends.
- Shower together.
- Go to bed when the kids do—yes, that might mean leaving the chores go until morning. Either way, you are going to be one of the dwarves in the morning: Happy or Grumpy. You choose…or, better yet, let your family choose.
- Pre-make several dinners on the weekend and freeze; or, when you make dinner, double or triple the recipe so you can have another dinner or two ready for another night. Not having to cook every night will be less tiring, and probably less frustrating.
- Go to bed ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news is over.
- Get up ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news comes on.
- Turn off the TV or better yet, take it out of your bedroom.
- Put on Saturday morning cartoons. Actually, kids will just do that themselves, if you don’t mind cereal on the rug. Have acceptable edibles put out for them.
- Have a video and popcorn night for the kids.
- Go out on a date on a regular basis. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t let them call you.
- Schedule Sunday afternoon as quiet time, where everyone goes to their rooms for an hour to nap, read, play by themselves.
- Spend a night in a great hotel and order room service.
- Take a long weekend together one or two times a year to rediscover each other and leave the parenting responsibilities and intrusions at home.
- Take a family vacation that has sitter service—and use it!
- Put your kids in childcare at church, gym, etc. and then play hooky and run home for a little while. It’s drastic, I know. However, as long as the kids are looked after…
- Take advantage of mom’s/parent’s day/night out at some of the religious institutions.
- Get your kids out of your bed. Generally, if your kids are sleeping with you, they are serving a purpose…to be a buffer for you to avoid being intimate. How’s that working for your marriage? What message does that give your kids?
- Sleep alone if your spouse is away. Do NOT have the kids sleep in your bed when daddy or mommy has to travel. This sets up a terrible precedent, and can actually lead the kids to believe that it’s better to have their parent gone, because then they get to be with the other.
- Call each other by your first names, or rather some nickname or pet name. If you call each other Mommy and Daddy, there isn’t much room for other identities. Terms of endearment are special and actually give your kids that feeling of security and happiness.
- Show affection in front of your kids. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, arms around each other are all great examples for your kids of what a loving relationship is like.
- Sit next to each other. If you continually sit on opposite ends of the couch, or with the kids in between you, the message is clearly one of separation.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!
Happy Valentine’s Day…all year long!
Tags: activities, affection, babysitter, bed, child, children, daddy, date, families, Family, grandparents, holding hands, hugging, intimacy, intimate, kid, kids, kissing, love, mommy, parent, Parenting, passion, passionate, privacy, school, sleep, vacation, valentine
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
February 13th, 2010
 The best thing you can do for your kids is to love each other. Yesterday’s Valentine’s message encouraged you to put passion and intimacy back in your marriage. When you can enjoy each other and feel good about yourselves, you will then feel more positive about the other roles that you also have to fill. The most important role? Parent!
Believe it or not, being parents and being passionate are not mutually exclusive! They may just take a little more effort to work both the role of the loving parent and the loving partner into your life on a regular basis.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
First of all, a passionate night together can’t always be spontaneous anymore. What was wonderful without kids may not be as available to you anymore. So, lack of spontaneity does not mean passion and intimacy have to be passé.
Secondly, planning a night of passion can be exciting. Planning doesn’t have to feel routine and unromantic. On the contrary…There can be anticipation. This can provide strong motivation to take care of all the household chores so that you can enjoy the end pay-off.
However, things don’t always go as planned. Kids will be terribly inconsiderate and get sick, have a bad dream or suddenly remember an unfinished project that’s due the next day.
So, adapting is important. Adapting and regrouping…not giving up altogether.
Share the load with the whole family. Let everyone pitch in to get the essential nightly chores completed.
Set time for each other as a priority. There’s always a tremendous amount of things to do before you probably consider everything ‘done’ for the night. Sometimes the dishes need to be left in the sink, the laundry left unfolded, the toys not put where they go until morning.
Teach boundaries. Set limits before you explode. There’s a time to say, “Enough!” “That’s it…you’re in bed for the night.” “Don’t come out again or there will be consequences.” “Stay in your room and there will be a reward in the morning.” And then, most importantly…follow through!
Here are two key ingredients to setting those boundaries:
KNOCK: Teach your kids privacy from a very early age. A closed door should mean, “Do not come in without knocking and getting permission to enter.” If this is simply another rule in your house, like turning off lights or washing your hands, then it will become ingrained and just taken for granted. Teach your kids to knock. Model that and show them the same courtesy. If you don’t want to have to knock, then keep their doors open. Respecting a closed door will give you more privacy and help prevent kids walking in at inopportune times. Locking your door is also permissible to teach kids to knock.
HAVEN: Make your bedroom a haven for you and your spouse. Leave all the kids toys, bottles, school papers, whatever, outside the door. That actually goes for paperwork and cell phones for business. When you shut your door at work, it means you are in a meeting and basically shouldn’t be disturbed. So it can be at home. When you shut your bedroom door, you are having private time with your mate and basically shouldn’t be disturbed. Talk about the kids in other rooms of the house. Let your bedroom be a place that’s your private space, whether you are passionate or not. Because being together, just the two of you, with your other roles left outside the door, is very intimate all by itself.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!
Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!
Stay tuned for tomorrow! Parenting and Passion…Not Mutally Exclusive: What to do with the kids?
Tags: adapting, boundaries, child, children, dad, families, Family, follow through, intimacy, kid, kids, limits, mom, parent, parents, passion, passionate, priority, romantic, time
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
February 12th, 2010
 - Your kids learn how to love by watching you love each other
Valentine’s Day is upon us—the one day a year we are supposed to profess our love for our mate. One day a year? What are the other 364 days for? Well, I’ll tell you what they are for…
Lots of affection, intimacy and passion!
So, why is a child psychologist giving marital advice? Because over the past 25 years, I have worked with 100’s and 100’s of children and families. And here’s what I know…
Parents who take care of their marriage, tend to take better care of their families.
Here’s why:
The marital relationship is sacred. It is the foundation of the family, the roots of the family tree, if you will. The healthier the roots, the stronger the tree and the sweeter the fruit. In other words, taking care of your relationship provides a loving basis for raising your kids. It seems that many families have children and end up focusing all their attention on the fruit that they bear. But without attention and nurturing of the roots, the tree becomes weaker and the fruits can turn to mush.
Kids learn from example. They watch you like a hawk. And, no…I am not suggesting that passion and intimacy become a spectator sport. However, when you and your partner maintain a loving, passionate relationship, you like each other more. Let’s face it—it’s much more enjoyable to be with each other with your kids, when you love the intimacy you have when you are alone.
Here’s what your kids learn: How you treat your wife is the example they learn of how a man treats a woman. Conversely, how you treat your husband is a direct lesson of how a woman treats a man. If you want your kids to have loving relationships, then you need to set the example. It’s OK to show affection in front of them. In fact, it’s a wonderful model for them, giving them permission to be affectionate with their future mate. It also can be very comforting to kids to see their parents having a warm, close relationship. It provides a sense of security for them, as they learn that affection is related to togetherness and commitment.
Furthermore, when the passion is alive in the bedroom, the sense of closeness and oneness is carried throughout your relationship and the many roles you need to play. Liking each other and enjoying each other also helps you support each other when parenting. It is much easier to get on the same page with someone you like standing next to…and forming a strong united front is key in discipline, communication and teaching values. When your passion ignites at night, your parenting will shine all day!
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other.
Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!
Tags: affection, affectionate, children, commitmentdiscipline, families, Family, happy child, husband, intimacy, kids, love, loving, man, parent, Parenting, parents, partner, passion, relationship, security, unconditional love, valentine, values, wife, woman
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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