| |
Archive for the ‘Ask Dr. Vicki’ Category
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have a 10-year-old daughter who is already showing signs of puberty. Is this normal? What should I tell her?
Dear Dr. Vicki,
Although his friends are starting to develop, my twelve-year old son doesn’t have any signs of body changes yet. How do I explain this to him?
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
Puberty is an issue with which most parents experience some degree of difficulty. It is a stage of development that many parents dread for three reasons. For one thing, it means having to come to terms with the fact that their child is growing up and developing adult characteristics. Secondly, it means we have to discuss topics that most parents find uncomfortable. And finally, it means we have to put up with our alien children for a while. Just remember, this too shall pass.
Puberty is the stage of development during which children’s bodies begin to change on their way to becoming adults. Every child is different in the timing of these changes. What is important to remember is that each child will experience the same kinds of changes, just in their own time. Girls’ bodies begin to develop between the ages of 8 and 14. Boys usually begin to enter puberty between the ages of 10 and 16. Changes not only occur biologically, but socially and emotionally, as well. During puberty, the brain releases those ‘dreaded’ hormones, estrogen and progesterone in girls and testosterone in boys.
These hormones cause a number of changes in the body. Girls’ breast development is usually one of the first signs of puberty. They usually start out as “buds” underneath the nipple and the areola (darker area around the nipple); gradually the areola may darken and the breast tissue will begin to grow beyond it. It is not unusual for one breast to develop more quickly than the other one. This is normal, and eventually both breasts will even out. Breasts may be sore or tender as they enlarge. Girls may have a white vaginal discharge up to a year before their period starts. Approximately two years after breast development starts, girls will begin to have menstrual periods. At first they may be very irregular, but will gradually become normal, regular cycles.
Both boys and girls can experience tremendous and sudden growth spurts. For some children, this can feel awkward and clumsy, as their legs and arms keep lengthening and they sometimes aren’t sure where their extremities begin and end. Girls will begin to develop ‘curves’, and they tend to put on weight, particularly in their hips. Boys will also gain weight, and their bodies will change shape as their shoulders widen and their bodies become more muscular. Their penis and scrotum will increase in size, and the penis will lengthen and widen. Because their vocal cords become longer, boys’ voices begin to deepen. However, as the voice is changing, they may experience abrupt changes in their voice, generally referred to as ‘cracks’.
Boys and girls will begin to develop body hair under their arms and in the pubic area, first as ‘peach fuzz’, and later becoming darker. Hair on their arms and legs may also grow and become darker. Boys will begin to grow hair on their faces and chests.
Hormones also affect skin glands, causing the skin to produce more oil and sweat. This can cause oily skin, pimples and acne. This also causes body odor.
While hormones are surging, mood swings are extremely common. They can go from crying jags to rages faster than a speeding bullet. Children often feel self-conscious and anxious about the changes in their bodies. Keep in mind, that these emotional ups and downs are all normal and to be expected. That doesn’t mean they are easy to deal with.
What to tell your children? This depends upon their age. It is preferential to discuss the up-coming bodily changes with them prior to the beginning of puberty, around fourth or fifth grade. This is a scary but exciting time in the life of your child. I recommend approaching your talk in a positive, even excited manner, explaining that their bodies are beginning to change into adult bodies. Explaining changes, what to expect, and why these changes are occurring, is helpful in order to allay your child’s fears. Please do not call your daughter’s period ‘the curse’. This conveys a very negative summation of a process that will one day allow you to experience the joys of grandparenthood.
Talk about possible feelings of embarrassment, discomfort and shame, as well as the sensations and urges that they may begin to develop. If your child reaches puberty on the earlier or later side of the norm, let them know that everyone will go through the same process, and they will do it at various ages and stages. Discuss the need for good hygiene, including thorough face-washing and showering. Deodorant and cologne may give them better confidence of reducing body odor. Introduce your daughter to sanitary napkins, discussing how to use and dispose of them, as well as the possibility of ‘accidents’. Encourage both boys and girls not to start shaving too soon; once they do, they will have to continually deal with the stubble.
One of the key things to do is to correct any misconceptions your child may have either out of fear, or due to misinformation being given by peers. If you are uncomfortable addressing sexual issues directly, visual aids such as books and videos can be extremely helpful. For younger children, I like Where Did I Come From? and What’s Happening to Me? There is a great video put out by the Children’s Television Network called “What Kids Want to Know About Sex and Growing Up”. Keep the lines of communication open. And remember again, this too shall pass.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: biologically, body changes, breast development, develop, emotionally, estrogen, growing up, growth spurts, hormones, parents, progesterone, puberty, sexual issues, socially, stage of development, testosterone
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
Help! My kids get sick a lot in the winter and I feel trapped. They are bored, whiney, demanding and I just don’t know what to do. I love my kids, but winter is coming and I am dreading being stuck in the house with them. What can I do?
Signed: Desperate housewife!
Dr. Vicki’s response:
You are not alone! There is nothing funny about having to go through a week of dealing with nature’s most common wrath, winter bugs. Especially when your children don’t feel sick enough to sleep 24/7, but not well enough to go to school.
So, how do you combat the boredom of being at home? Actually, there is a lot you can do. It just takes a little creativity to figure it out. You might as well make the time productive and hopefully fun for all concerned. The idea is to change your mind-set. It’s better to make the best of the situation rather than being miserable. You can use it as an opportunity to spend time with your children. It makes it more bearable for all of you.
You might think about doing things with your children that you usually don’t have time to do during the school week:
* Maybe it’s going through some old photo albums. (Albums—who has time to put pictures in albums? you might ask.) Surely there are pictures around that maybe your kids can sort through and put in albums, or pick some they want to frame for their rooms. Kids love to go through old photos, especially pictures of themselves, as well as ‘goofy’ ones of Mom and Dad when you were younger.
* Do fun things with your sick children, such as playing board games, cards, dress up, make up a play, do creative projects with Play-doh, crayons, water colors, etc.
* Pop some popcorn and watch a movie together.
And when you are home with sick children, you are also at risk of getting sick, feeling stressed and trying to keep them busy. I suggest that when a sick child is sleeping, that you take time for yourself. Relax and read, take a bath or do something you consider a hobby. And if you feel run down, hobbies don’t include laundry or household chores that might just wear you out even more!
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I feel like a desperate housewife. I am a mom, who is basically a single parent because my husband travels most of the time. But when he comes home, he tries to take over and it interferes with the schedule and discipline that works for us when he is away. I want him to be home, but not disrupt our family. What can I do?
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Many households face this dilemma, as more jobs require traveling. Usually, it’s the mom who is home with the children, and it is necessary for her to establish her authority and organization in the home. Routines run well, and disruption can cause frustration on the part of both parents, as well as confusion on the part of the children.
If Dad comes home and undoes what Mom has established, then the children may question Mom’s authority. Dad’s efforts to change the disciplinary structure and routine can actually result in inadvertent sabotaging and undermining of what Mom has put into place.
The key to situations like this is to establish clear communication between parents. Generally, many dads feel like an outsider when they have been away, and almost feel unneeded as they watch their family run fairly smoothly without them. I strongly suggest that Dad is made to feel welcome when home, but also realize that he needs to support Mom’s rules and ways of handling discipline.
However, there are many ways for Dad to be a part of the family. When Dad is home, this allows him to spend quality time with his children, and enjoy the time he does have with them. I don’t mean be a Disneyland Dad, but one who takes advantage of time with his children, as well as his wife. I would hope that he would express appreciation for how well Mom is ‘holding down the fort.’ And, Mom needs to appreciate, and show support and understanding about how he may feel regarding the need to be away so often. And of course it is important for Dad to stay in touch with the family on a regular basis when traveling, so he can be kept up to speed regarding the day to day happenings in his family.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: appreciate, bored, Communication, disciplinary, Disneyland, Family, parents, photos, sick, stuck in the house, support, whiney
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I know that there are certain child development stages that all children go through. But what if my child hasn’t reached that stage and her friends the same age have?
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
I like to think of child development as climbing a staircase, with each step representing a series of tasks to work on and master before going on to the next step. All children climb the stairs, in their own way and in their own time. Using Erikson’s model of stages of development, I’ll take you up the staircase:
On the first step, newborns and infants (ages birth-2) must develop the belief that their needs will be taken care of, and that their world is a safe and secure environment.
Once they can trust, toddlers (ages 2-4) can move on to the next step, beginning to break away, venture out in the world, and assert themselves as individuals. Having established some independence, the next step involves initiation and risk.
The 4-6 year olds begin to try new things, risking attempts at new situations in preparation for the tasks of later life. It is important to allow these children to try new things, and reinforce their effort, regardless of outcome.
Now that they can risk, school-aged children (ages 6-12) move onto the next step, where they are working hard to master and achieve in many areas: academic success, self image, social interaction (negotiating relationships with peers), beginning to find out who they are (what do I like, what am I good at, etc.), moral development and impulse control. They need to feel a sense of achievement in all these areas to go on to the next step, where their identity and independence begins to solidify.
Remember, we all climb the stairs, taking time on each step to master the tasks needed in order to be successful on the next step. Some children run up the staircase, others crawl, others go up backwards or slowly, taking their own sweet time. And some get stuck on a step and stay there for a while, or actually regress and head back down to the previous step. But all children climb the stairs. As parents, our job is to help the climb, nudging in supportive encouragement, staying nearby to catch them if they fall, and cheering from the sidelines as they work hard to reach the next step.
And should you have any serious concerns about delays in your child’s development, consult with your pediatrician or a child psychologist.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Child Development, child psychologist, children, encouragement, Erikson, independence, secure
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | Add a Comment »
Friday, April 10th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have to ask my child 3 or 4 times to do something, at which point, I am angry. For example, my son was playing with his friend’s cell phone in the back of our car. I asked him 3 times to give it back to his friend (knowing the battery was low). By the time he gave it back, the phone was no longer usable as a phone. This is just one example. I feel like a broken record.
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
My advice is to not sound like a broken record and take action before the third or fourth time. The more warnings or requests you make, the angrier you are going to become. Take action sooner in a calm fashion, and your children will take you seriously sooner without your having to yell.
In this instance, I would recommend that after the first request without compliance, that you give him a choice. Either give the phone back, or ____ will be your consequence. If he still doesn’t comply, I would suggest that you stop the car, if need be, and take the phone away.
Then be sure to follow through with whatever consequence you had presented. Also, if he doesn’t comply and he earns the consequence, I like to say something like, “I see you have chosen to __________” (whatever the consequence is.) That will convey that this action brought about the end result.
If you find your anger rising, that is an indication to take action before your anger takes over and you either yell, or handle the situation from an emotional, rather than a rational, calm, take-charge manner.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: angry, broken record, calm, cell phone, child, children, consequence, emotional, yell
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have an 11 year old daughter and am trying to help her with “anger management”. So far we have been doing better with talking about it, and (she’s) counting to 10, taking deep breathes, walking away. . . .and I have tried to be calm in responding and then I “ignore” any junk behavior. Then I go on to a “normal” question and she seems to fall back into “normal” getting along. She does not want to be at odds with me. Thanks for any input.
Dr. Vicki’s Response:
It sounds as though you are doing a lot of great interventions to help your daughter get control of her anger. Anger is a tough feeling to express for kids, primarily because they seem to get in trouble a lot for how they express those feelings.
It is wonderful that she does not want to be at odds with you. That’s a great place to start from.
Responding calmly is key. If you become angry and respond in kind, the situation will tend to flare up even more. Encouraging her to come back and talk to you when she calms down is a great strategy. When she does, I suggest that you praise her for using whatever technique she used to calm herself, and let her know that you are more than happy to talk to her now that she is calm.
The strategies you suggested to her are good ones. It is very important that while parents are telling children what they can’t do, they need to help them replace those behaviors with acceptable ones. You might try practicing some of the techniques with her when she is not angry, so they will be better developed for when she needs them.
I also encourage children to come up with their own ways of expressing their anger. At this age, some like to journal or draw (remember it can be angry words and angry pictures), write a letter or e-mail to express themselves (although direct communication is ultimately best), listening to music, cool off in the shower, take a walk, etc. I also like to teach them progressive relaxation, where they learn to tense and relax their bodies and also visual imaging, where a very calming or happy image is conjured up in their mind, allowing that feeling to spread over them.
This would be a technique that you and your daughter could learn to do fairly easily, with some individualized instruction.
Another nice technique is to allow her to walk away to take time to calm herself down. I don’t mean in defiance; I mean with an agreement that she is allowed to do so. I like a signal that either of you can give the other that would indicated ‘time out’–let’s take a break, calm down, and get back together again and talk.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: "time-out", anger, anger issues, anger management, at odds, calm, child, Communication, control, interventions, letter, praise, techniques
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki:
My daughter and all of her friends spend hours chatting/blogging on the computer and she doesn’t spend any time with me. That is all we argue about. She feels I am always harassing her about it. I HATE computers. How can I change me/it? What’s a reasonable amount of time to be on the computer? I’ve been told it’s the “teenagers” way of communicating????? Thanks.
Dr. Vicki’s response:
I hear this complaint a lot. The computer is, in fact, the way children communicate these days. The phone is basically obsolete. As children, we could spend hours on the phone, and had control of who we called. Now, the kids get on line and just wait to see who shows up. And they can have multiple conversations going at once! It is also typical that as kids get older, they tend to spend more time with friends and in their rooms than they do with their families. So, your daughter’s behavior may be very normal. However, that does not mean that you can’t do anything about it. I would advise setting some parameters regarding the computer, much as you would the phone. Have a talk with her before deciding on limits, to find out the most popular times for her friends to be on-line. That way, you aren’t cutting off her prime time.
I suggest thinking of the computer as you would the phone. After school, and later in the evening, the kids like to chat. Perhaps the limits can be an hour after school, and then an hour after homework in the evening. That should give time for other activities such as family time, reading, pursuing other interests. Just keep in mind that this is how the kids socially interact, as annoying as it may seem!
You may also want to try and designate some mother/daughter time during the weekend, whether it’s breakfast out on Sat. morning, a walk on the beach, getting your nails painted. The activity doesn’t really matter, as long as you can get some time with her.
Just remember, parents become less of a priority and friends more of one as she gets older. However, as the parent, you are still in the position of setting limits. Having a conversation with her will help you understand what realistic limits might be.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: activities, behavior, blogging, chatting, communicate, computers, homework, limits, parameters. on-line, phone, socially interact
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Family | Add a Comment »
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
We recently had 2 deaths in the family, my aunt and a family friend, which my (7 year old) daughter was close to. I told her about my aunt but I have not told her about the family friend because the deaths were within a week of each other. Did I make the right decision about not telling her right away? If so, when do I tell her? If not, how do I handle it?
Dear Caring Parent:
I am very sorry to hear of your losses. Not only do you need to help your daughter through her grief, but you need to allow yourself to deal with yours, as well. It is important to allow your daughter to see your sadness, and perhaps even cry together. Crying is a very normal grief reaction. If children see their parents “being strong,” and not showing emotion, they oftentimes feel that they shouldn’t either. It is also important for your daughter to know that even if it makes you cry, you still want her to come to you with her feelings.
Losing so many people in her short life must be very difficult for your young daughter. It is best to continue giving the kind of explanation that you have already given regarding the other deaths she knows about. The consistency will help her understand the concept of death in the way she can at this stage in her development.
It was perfectly fine to give a little bit of time in between the news of each death. However, I do think it is best to tell her about the death of your family friend shortly, so that she does not hear it from someone else.
If you are using a spiritual explanation for death, you may want to reassure your daughter that God, or whatever concept she knows, has a special plan for people, and that you think this plan includes her well-being for a long, long time to come. Be careful not to promise that nothing will happen to you, because this is something that you cannot guarantee. But if this is a concern of hers, which it most likely is, you can assure her that you take good care of yourself and believe that the plan is for you to be here to be her Mommy.
Avoid trying to take away her feelings. Let her have them. Allow her to lead, and be a good listener. Provide lots of love, support and physical reassurance. Talk about memories she has. Some children like to draw a picture of a special memory they have, or look at photos of themselves with their loved ones, and even have a picture in their room or their own scrapbook that they can look at when they are feeling sad. Also, happy memories are very important, because they do not go away with a death. Those we can hold onto and cherish forever.
I do not know the causes of these deaths. However, if they were a result of aging or serious illness, these are concepts that she can understand. In the case of an accident, again you can reassure her about the safety precautions you take (i.e.– wearing a seat belt) that help avoid anything from happening to the both of you.
One of a child’s central concerns at this age tends to be, “Who will take care of me?” For this, you will want to reassure her that you do not plan on going anywhere, but should you became sick or something happen to you, _________ will be there to take care of her. She needs to know that there will always be people in her life to look after her, no matter what.
You sound like a very caring mother, and I can tell that you have only your daughter’s very best interest at heart. I appreciate your trust in sharing your important question with me and asking for my advise and guidance.
My sincere wishes for yours and your daughter’s emotional healing.
-Dr. Vicki
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: cry, deaths, emotional healing, grief, loss, spiritual
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | Add a Comment »
Monday, March 30th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
Help! My 14-year-old daughter wants to get a body piercing! I think they are disgusting!
Dr. Vicki’s response:
It seems that every generation has to find some “new” way to express themselves; in this day and age, tattoos and body piercings seem to be in vogue. It is important to convey to your child what your concerns are and why you are unwilling to give her your permission. It is also important to find out why she wants to pierce her body. Some teens want to be ‘cool’ and fit in with peers; others like the look of a certain piercing. Certainly, ear lobe piercing has been accepted as mainstream for girls and women for ages. There may be some piercings you approve of and others you find distasteful. Is there room to compromise with an older teen? Perhaps trade a belly button piercing for a tongue piercing? If not, then your child will have to wait until either she turns 18, or has moved out of your home.
Most teens do not consider the risks of piercings. There is a great risk of infection in mouth and nose piercings because of all the bacteria found in these parts of the body. While piercing the ear lobe is relatively safe, cartilage takes longer to heal and is more prone to infection. Tongue piercings can chip teeth, infect the tongue and cause gum problems. Nipple piercing (yes, they really do this) can damage milk ducts and create potential problems for breast-feeding in later years. And then of course there is the issue of where the piercing is done, and how sterile the environment is. Piercings also affect the way teens are viewed by others, since they have negative connotations to many adults. They may be denied employment on the basis of what many consider poor judgment and offensive appearance. Teachers may view the student in negative terms, simply due to a piercing.
This issue really is one that I encourage parents to begin addressing at a young age. Respect for one’s body, and the need to take care of oneself can be taught early. Discussing the pros and cons of piercings, and why some are potentially more harmful than others is important. And be prepared to explain why ear piercing is considered OK, while piercing of other body parts is not! That’s a tough one, and mostly a matter of personal preference.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: appearance, belly button, body piercings, tattoos, teenager, tongue piercing
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
|
|
 |
|
 |
Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
|
|
|
