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Archive for the ‘Ask Dr. Vicki’ Category
Monday, March 30th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
Help! My 14-year-old daughter wants to get a body piercing! I think they are disgusting!
Dr. Vicki’s response:
It seems that every generation has to find some “new” way to express themselves; in this day and age, tattoos and body piercings seem to be in vogue. It is important to convey to your child what your concerns are and why you are unwilling to give her your permission. It is also important to find out why she wants to pierce her body. Some teens want to be ‘cool’ and fit in with peers; others like the look of a certain piercing. Certainly, ear lobe piercing has been accepted as mainstream for girls and women for ages. There may be some piercings you approve of and others you find distasteful. Is there room to compromise with an older teen? Perhaps trade a belly button piercing for a tongue piercing? If not, then your child will have to wait until either she turns 18, or has moved out of your home.
Most teens do not consider the risks of piercings. There is a great risk of infection in mouth and nose piercings because of all the bacteria found in these parts of the body. While piercing the ear lobe is relatively safe, cartilage takes longer to heal and is more prone to infection. Tongue piercings can chip teeth, infect the tongue and cause gum problems. Nipple piercing (yes, they really do this) can damage milk ducts and create potential problems for breast-feeding in later years. And then of course there is the issue of where the piercing is done, and how sterile the environment is. Piercings also affect the way teens are viewed by others, since they have negative connotations to many adults. They may be denied employment on the basis of what many consider poor judgment and offensive appearance. Teachers may view the student in negative terms, simply due to a piercing.
This issue really is one that I encourage parents to begin addressing at a young age. Respect for one’s body, and the need to take care of oneself can be taught early. Discussing the pros and cons of piercings, and why some are potentially more harmful than others is important. And be prepared to explain why ear piercing is considered OK, while piercing of other body parts is not! That’s a tough one, and mostly a matter of personal preference.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: appearance, belly button, body piercings, tattoos, teenager, tongue piercing
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
“I’m having problems with my son’s behavior in the classroom. He doesn’t want to complete his work in class, and he misbehaves in the classroom. I have tried to taking things from him and spanking him for his defiance. It works for a couple of days, and he reverts back to his old ways. He is failing in school (2nd grade) and I’m quite concern for my son’s academic well being.”
Dr. Vicki’s response:
I am so glad you wrote. Obviously your son’s academic well-being is a top priority. Rest assured…you are not alone! I frequently have parents wanting advice for very similar experiences.
Before we can really decide how to deal with the behaviors, it is critical to determine why he is exhibiting these behaviors. There are a number of questions that need to be asked and answered to help determine this:
• Is this a new problem, or has his behavior been problematic all through school?
• Does he exhibit these behaviors at home? And if so, is it all the time or just during academic activities?
• Is his behavior a problem during all subjects, all times of the day, during all kinds of tasks….or are they specific to certain subjects, times and tasks?
• Does he understand the work or is he having difficulty? Does he understand the instructions?
• What is he doing when he is not doing his work?
• Is he distracted? Does his seat need to be changed?
• Has he been evaluated for learning disabilities? Attention deficits? Processing problems?
• Has his hearing and vision been checked?
• Is he inadvertently getting rewarded for his behaviors (i.e–the students are laughing, etc.)?
• Is he being defiant or simply not doing his work?
• Has something happened in his life to bring on these behaviors (i.e.–death, move, changes, stress in the family)?
• Have you noticed any other changes in behavior, mood or attitude?
• Does he have a regular bedtime? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he a restful/restless sleeper? Does he snore?
Once these questions are answered, then intervention can occur.
Obviously, if there is an identified reason for the behaviors (learning disabilities, attention deficits, trauma, etc.) then those issues will need to be addressed very differently than if he is simply acting up.
If, in fact, the answer to all those questions is ‘no,’ then some kind of reward/consequence system may need to be put into place. This should be coordinated between you and the school, so that everyone is on board to help eliminate these behaviors.
• Make sure that he is being given positive feedback for the things he is doing well. And be sure to find reasons to give him kudos. It sounds as though right now his life is full of negatives as a result of his acting out behaviors.
• However, there needs to be some balance in the kind of feedback he is given. For instance, if he has a good morning, but acts up after lunch, let him know that he did a good job in the morning. Catch him being good! Ask the teacher to let you know what went right in his day, along with how he misbehaved.
• Be sure that the consequence or reward is meaningful to him, so that he really wants to change his behavior.
• And, allow him to start fresh every day. So, if he really acted up on Monday and is given a consequence (i.e.–no TV, no going outside, etc.), let him start fresh on Tuesday; reward him if he has a good day.
• Perhaps you could keep track of the number of good days (with smiley faces on the calendar) and when he has accumulated a certain number (make it realistic, like 4 or 10–depending how many days he really can behave—and they don’t have to be consecutive)) then reward him for reaching the goal. This could be renting a video, ordering a pizza, money, staying up later on the weekend, etc. Be sure that he is rewarded as soon as possible once he has met his goal.
• Praise him for reaching even small goals. When he has a good day at school, make a big deal about it. If he doesn’t, then just let him have his consequence and encourage him to try again tomorrow.
• Love him, and make sure he knows it each and every day. Just because you are not happy with his behavior, doe not mean you are not happy with him. Separate out these two issues, and he will learn a lesson without feeling worthless and unloved.
• Keeping his self-esteem intact while disciplining essential for real teaching to occur.
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and your son. Feel free to let me know how it goes!
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: academics, classroom, goals, learning disabilities, misbehaving, school, snore
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
Sunday, March 8th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have a nine year old son and ten year old daughter, who I still read to before bed every night. My husband thinks they are too old for this because they can now read books themselves. Who’s right?
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
Actually, you both are. It is wonderful that your children have learned to read and hopefully enjoy reading by themselves for pleasure. That should certainly be encouraged. In addition, reading to and with your children can be a time for closeness, cuddling (for as long as possible!) and sharing a common interest. It can also help them expand their vocabulary, and be able to close their eyes, listen to a story and be swept away by their imagination. As children get older, of course the reading material changes. It can be fun to have them read to you, or take turns reading lines in a story. Then there may be books that are a little too difficult for them to read, but whose stories would still be appropriate to tell. Perhaps your husband would like to hop on board and make this a whole family experience!
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Family, imagination, reading, stories, story, vocabulary
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have two children, ages 9 and 12. I have to work and I don’t have anyone to watch them, so they come home after school and stay in until I get home. My friends think they are too young. What do you think?
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Latchkey decisions are tough calls. However, you are certainly not alone in your dilemma. Nearly 7 million children ages 5 to 14 were regularly left unsupervised while their parents were at work or away for other reasons, according to a 2000 Census report. That’s a staggering number! Unfortunately, many children are not up to the task.
I recommend that children who stay home alone must be mature enough to handle the responsibility. Be sure to ask whether they feel comfortable with the idea. It is important that your children feel safe and comfortable coming home to an empty house. If a child doesn’t feel comfortable, then a parent should not consider this option.
Giving a particular age at which a child can be left alone is difficult because maturity levels vary. There are 10-year-olds who are mature enough to handle household emergencies, dial 911 and call parents. Yet some 15-year-olds are not mature enough to be left alone.
I am not comfortable leaving children younger than 12 at home without supervision because of safety concerns. And leaving a 12-year-old to be responsible for a younger sibling is a huge responsibility to rest on his shoulders.
On the other hand, leaving a child at home can be a positive experience for the right family. A child can feel as though it’s a privilege with a chance to prove maturity. If the child feels like this is ‘cool,’ then fine. But be careful. I am seeing too many children who are anxious because they are being required to assume more responsibility than they can handle. Parents are requiring them to act older than their age.
If you must leave them alone, be sure to have strict security measures in place. Teach them how to call 911 in case of an emergency. Other safety measures include having other emergency phone numbers on the refrigerator, program the telephone so children can reach you by pushing one button, check with neighbors to see whether they can help if needed, have them check in with you as soon as they get home, continue to have regular phone contact with them until you get home.
Also, set strict rules on what the children can and cannot do. Cooking, inviting friends over or answering the door are big no-no’s. And make sure they are aware of the rules and follow them completely.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: emergency, empty house, latchkey, maturity, parent, responsibility, rules, safety, safety measures, supervision
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
My daughter and her “best friend” are once again battling over, “She said then she said and I heard you said…” There are three girls involved and this time my daughter is odd man out. It is difficult to stand by and watch. When do I or should I intervene? Should I just let it ride its course? The one girl is ALWAYS in the center of any and every conflict. Yet my daughter and she have similar likes and always gravitate towards each other (especially when told to stay away from her.) What to do?
Dr. Vicki’s Response:
I’m glad you asked!
Being a parent and watching our children suffer in any way is very tough to withstand. It’s even more difficult when we basically have to stand by and watch it happen, knowing that our children have to work things out for themselves.
Three is tough. Three is a triangle, which generally involves someone feeling left out. Some of the situation you describe will probably take care of itself, but may surface again.
Although you can’t pick your daughter’s friends, you certainly can have some say who she can hang out with. If she is told to stay away from a certain girl, then she needs to listen to you. OR you probably need to talk with her about why she feels the need to be with her, and help her look at the pros and cons of being her friend.
I think the key here is communicating with your daughter, which means listening more than talking. As parents, we tend to try to make upset feelings go away, by saying things like, “It will pass,” “They’re not true friends, “or “This is part of growing up,” etc. etc.
However, while those things are trying to make it better, they actually can make the situation worse. Because none of these responses have to do with listening to our children, allowing them to vent, and simply empathizing with them.
Once we try to make it better, any of the things we try to say can actually make our children feel as though we really don’t understand. Because saying, “It will pass,” in the middle of the crisis, isn’t really helpful. And they don’t want to hear that they are not true friends, because our children want them to be.
By the time you get this response, things may actually have resolved. Children’s squabbles tend to come and go. However, if this still causes your daughter emotional distress, here are a few suggestions:
- Allow her to talk about her feelings, and why she wants to be friends with these girls. Just listen and empathize. Then, ask her what she would like to do about the situation.
- Involve her in an activity where she has an opportunity to make other friends.
- Encourage her to invite over some other friend, so she has an opportunity to have several ‘groups’ or individuals she can do things with if she is on the ‘outs’ with one set of friends.
- If you really want to restrict her being with anyone, give it a time limit. Tell her she can’t hang around with ____ for a week, to cool things down; and then you can come back and reevaluate. Be sure to ask her how it’s going, and the degree of difficulty/distress this is creating. Use the week to encourage her to find another friend to spent time with, inviting her over, going to the park, etc.
- Allow her to hang out with either of these girls only by themselves, thereby eliminating the triangle. Three is hard; a pair is much easier to deal with.
- If the trouble continues, ask your daughter how you can help. She might want you to intervene, or feel horrified at the thought. Respect her wishes, because creating embarrassement will only make matters worse. And the most important thing is for your daughter to feel she can come and talk to you, without the possibility of betrayal or unwanted interference.
Hang in there. I believe this, too, shall pass. Helping your daughter problem-solve her way through this difficulty can serve her well in the future.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: betrayal, children, communicating, conflict, friends, parents, peer triangle, problem-solve, triangle
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | Add a Comment »
Saturday, July 19th, 2008
Dear Dr. Vicki,
My friends say they need to keep their kids doing worksheets over the summer so they start the new school year on a good foot. My son cries and yells through the whole thing. He could really use the review but is it worth the torment? We all have to do things in life we don’t want to do, but is this one of them? What is the best thing a parent can do to prepare their child for the upcoming school year? What should summer be about for our kids and ourselves??
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Great questions! The fact that you are asking them is absolutely wonderful.
I think that learning should be an on-going process all year long. I guess for me it’s a matter of what shape and form that learning takes. Many, many children equate worksheets with school, and believe that they are ‘off’ over the summer. For some children, this works. Particularly since the first few weeks of school tend to be review at the younger grades. Other children need to keep up their skills. If they love it; great. If they don’t, then what to do?
I totally agree that children need to learn to do things even if they don’t like to do them. I just want to be careful that teaching this point doesn’t become counter-productive to the (academic) skills you really want to teach. There needs to be a fine line between keeping up the math skills, and contributing to a severe hatred of school work.
I think that all children should have some time each day during the summer to spend on quiet activities, academics and reading. These things should go on all year long. Some children do much better with school work on the computer than on a worksheet. Others do well if they can crawl into their parent’s lap, much like reading, and work on other things.
Here are a few tips:
• Set aside some quiet time for your children, so that any ‘work’ you want them to do is not creating disruption to playing or TV time, etc. This time needs to be spent in a way that you feel is productive.
• Perhaps there can be a choice of what kind of activity/worksheet, etc. that they can pick from on any particular day.
• Any chance that your children can do worksheets together with a friend? That would probably cut down on the verbal protests, and would be an extension of their time together.
• Perhaps if you want to strengthen math skills, a quiz could be given on Mon. If all the problems are correct, then your child does not need to do any more math that week. The next week, the quiz could be on a more difficult operation, or harder problems. If there are mistakes, perhaps for each error, another worksheet needs to be done. (One a day, etc.) That would mean if only 2 mistakes were made, then only two sheets would need to be completed during the week.
• You might want to give the weekends off, since that is how it is with school and with most jobs. So, if the weekend is strictly for playing, then adding a bit of learning to the week might be more palatable. Just like their parents’ jobs.
• If your children have a particular interest, such as bugs, sharks, flowers, etc…there is no reason that math problems can’t be created to incorporate things that are more appealing to them.
• You might also give a treat for a job well-done (and that means honest effort, with little grumbling, not necessarily 100% correct.)
• Loving connections are always in season! And it doesn’t have to be an either/or; it can certainly be both.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: academics, computer, learning, parent, reading, school, school work, summer, worksheets
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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