Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
 
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Archive for the ‘Child Development’ Category

Your Children Are Masterpieces

Monday, July 26th, 2010

He was standing in front of the room, drawing. Big, sweeping strokes with different colored chalk—back to the audience, not caring what we thought. He didn’t seem to think much, just stared at the canvas for a few seconds, and then went to work. First came the broad stokes of pink and yellow and blue. Then, he started to overlay the colors—orange over blue, white over yellow..and on and on. What was he drawing? It wasn’t clear. Seemed like a landscape—did he have something in mind? But he just kept adding color after color, overlaying and seemingly adding depth. He kept moving—seemed without purpose until the brown looked like a mountain—and the white was snow. Adding more and more definition, the beautiful scene started shaping up. But then, all of a sudden, he added a big sweep of black right in front of the mountains, the snow, the sky—like a humongous lightning bolt just coming down and destroying the beauty of the serene scene. But wait! That’s not lightning—it’s the trunk of a tree in the foreground, sprouting branches and leaves of many colors. His twist and turns kept us in suspense…and anxiously awaiting to see his final product.

This was Richard Hight’s take on creating a masterpiece and how we didn’t need the best tools…just the right tools. He was drawing on a queen-sized bed sheet from K-mart, stretched across an easel with lengths of lumber. His point? There are no excuses: you can always find a way to create. Sometimes he uses elaborate paintbrushes or expensive oils and other times it’s a stick, or his pinkie. And, he ‘pointed’ out (ouch!) that you always have your pinkie with you.

Why am I telling you this? Because, as you may know—I can turn anything into an analogy or helpful tip for parenting. So, here is my creative masterpiece taken from Richard’s inspiration:

Your children are masterpieces!

  • You are creating masterpieces—your kids.
  • Actually, you are the vehicle for masterpieces to be created. The canvas has been presented and the chalk is in your hands.
  • And, while you have a general idea of what you want to teach and how you want your kids to turn out, the shape is clear but the details are fuzzy.
  • Who they will end up becoming is unknown—and won’t be revealed until many layers have been added, creating more and more depth and definition.
  • There will be twists and turns in raising them, and what may appear to be lightning bolts out of nowhere—can actually turn into great lessons or beautiful results.
  • There are some ugly stages where it doesn’t seem like it’s turning out well at all.
  • There’s the laying down the foundation, as you provide them with a sense of security and stability.
  • Kids go through many different developmental stages each one adding depth and color and laying the groundwork for the next layer, the next stage.
  • You look for signs along the way that what you are doing is working….resonating with your masterpieces in progress. Are your kids happy? Successful? Loving? What’s working?
  • They continue to take shape—their personalities, styles, interests and gifts beginning to emerge and you begin to see each of them differently…for their uniqueness and special set of tools needed to help them develop.
  • While your mind may want to take the path of least resistance, and draw all your masterpieces just the same way over and over again…you begin to realize that each one of your kids takes a different perspective to come alive and bring out his/her full beauty.
  • As you begin to see them in their own light, you start to find ways to help them get around the obstacles and challenges, coming from different vantage points that suit each specific masterpiece.
  • The keys are to be observant, willing to change, go with the flow and release preconceived notions.

Oh, and one final message: When asked how he knew when his masterpiece was done, Richard replied: “Art is always evolving; there is always more to add. However, at some point you just have to step away from the canvas and be done. Masterpieces have to stand on their own…after I leave.”

As the artist is the conduit for the masterpiece to take shape…you too are the artist through whom your kids will emerge in their own magnificence…if you view them as masterpieces and allow their canvases to speak to you. Your job is to make sure you have made no excuses, used the right tools and taken the perspective that each of them needed. At some point, you too, will have to step away from your masterpieces and then they, too, will have to stand on their own.

Enjoy Your Kids!

 

Playing With Your Kids: Infancy To Age Two

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Playing With Blocks

Kids Are From Krypton, Parents Are From Pluto Radio Series update July 15, 2010: The key to playing with your kids is to provide toys and activities that meet their developmental level. Kids can play with the same toys for many months, playing with them in different ways as they reach new developmental stages. Some of the basic toys, such as blocks, serve so many developmental purpose that you don’t need to be quick to replace them and move on to something “newer.” For example, infants can begin to hold blocks and develop some muscle development and coordination. As kids grow, blocks help develop many other skills: object permanence (awareness that things exist even if you don’t see them,) building, planning, observing size/shape relationship, construction principles, strengthening fine and gross motor skills, using language, frustration tolerance, cooperation with others and use of imagination and creativity. Blocks are a great staple for ages 3 months on up. So are many other staples introduced at very early ages.

The worst toys are those that do it all for the child–leave nothing left for the imagination (i.e.–one doll wets, another doll drinks from a bottle, and so on.) This stifles their creativity, spontaneity, experimentation and cognitive development.

The most important part of playing with your kids is to have fun. Additionally, once you understand the concept of developmental tasks, you will delight in watching as your kids move from phase to phase, building on the skills mastered in the previous stages to move on to new and wondrous discoveries and experimentations in the next.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Play with your kids from infancy all the way into adulthood.
  2. Play builds developmental skills while enjoying your kids at the same time
  3. Keep the same toys around—kids will use the same toys in very different ways as they develop.
  4. Recognize that play is a very important activity for babies and toddlers to grow.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Radio For Women

Playing With Your Kids—Ages 6 And Up

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto Radio series update July 8: As you know by now, (or read below) I am a great promoter of playing games with your kids at any age. Last week’s show focused on the tremendous benefits of playing Candyland with your little ones. Although this is purely a game of luck (with the pick of the cards,) with no problem-solving skills required, there are numerous skills that your kids are developing just by virtue of playing. We discussed over 20 developmental benefits of this simple game, including understanding the rules, taking turns, recognizing colors, counting to two, directionality, cause/effect, tolerating frustration, and so on.

This week, we focused on playing with the older kids. While you may have found yourself playing with your little ones, are you playing board and card games with your 7-year-old? Your 10-year-old? Your 15-year-old? There is still tremendous developmental benefit going on, not to mention a great way to stay connected with your kids—although I recommend getting them into the game-playing mode early on, so by the time they reached these older ages, it will be a natural thing to continue doing with their family.

Games for older kids build on the skills developed when younger and include risk-taking, problem-solving, logical reasoning, decision-making, strategizing, analyzing, verbal and math skills, money concepts, flexibility, and motor development including quick reflexes, steady hand, fine-motor control, team building and cooperation, patience and more!

For a building game like Jenga, just think of all the elements of development it takes to play. And, it can be adapted from a competitive game to one of cooperation. This, and any game, can be adapted for different ages. Jenga may seem a bit difficult for younger kids. So, let’s make it toddler-friendly: stack the blocks, count them, knock over each other’s tower, criss-cross their building, make different shapes.

Once you begin to understand the concept of using games as developmental building blocks (Ooh! Forgive the pun!) then you’ll see that games are fun, adaptable and most importantly, interactive! Grab a game and go have some fun. Enjoy your kids!

For young children, games involve: cognitive skills (such as counting, sequencing, directionality,) motor control (such as tossing dice, picking up a card, moving game pieces,) and self control (such as concentration, waiting their turn, being a good sport.) Games for older children build on the skills developed when younger, and include risk-taking, problem-solving, logical reasoning, decision-making, strategizing, analyzing, verbal skills, math skills, money concepts, creativity and flexibility. Motor development includes quick reflexes, a steady hand and fine-motor control (manipulation of smaller, more intricate pieces.) This kind of game analysis can be done with each and every game you play with your kids. There is more to game-playing than meets the eye. That is why it is so important that kids play games, and you can have the satisfaction of knowing that while you are spending time together and having fun, there is lots of learning and development going on, as well.

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Games have tremendous social, emotional, intellectual and creative benefits.
  2. Reintroduce the classic games and toys of your childhood, and those of your parents.
  3. Lighten up! It doesn’t matter if you feel too grown up to play—it’s about your kids!
  4. Games are great bonding activities…to help you stay connected with your kids.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women


Playing With Your Kids—Through Various Ages And Stages

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto  Radio Series Update July 1: Games provide great ways to build various kinds of skills. They fall into a number of different areas, including: cognitive development, motor coordination and development of values, morals and self-control. Cognitive development via games begins with the simple learning, and works its way into more complex development as children grow older. Obviously, for all ages, there is a need to learn the rules of the game. Values and morals for all ages include following the rules, playing fairly and honestly (without cheating) and working together as a team. And of course, the emotional benefits include building self-confidence, a sense of competence and receiving support and encouragement from other players.

For young children, games involve: cognitive skills (such as counting, sequencing, directionality,) motor control (such as tossing dice, picking up a card, moving game pieces,) and self control (such as concentration, waiting their turn, being a good sport.) Games for older children build on the skills developed when younger, and include risk-taking, problem-solving, logical reasoning, decision-making, strategizing, analyzing, verbal skills, math skills, money concepts, creativity and flexibility. Motor development includes quick reflexes, a steady hand and fine-motor control (manipulation of smaller, more intricate pieces.)

This kind of game analysis can be done with each and every game you play with your kids. There is more to game-playing than meets the eye. That is why it is so important that kids play games, and you can have the satisfaction of knowing that while you are spending time together and having fun, there is lots of learning and development going on, as well.

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Play board games, not the video version
  2. Every game has great developmental benefits
  3. Games can be adapted for kids of different ages
  4. Be creative! Break some game rules and make up new ones
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

Are You Nurturing Your Children’s Dreams?

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

Well, the American Idol 2010 has been revealed! For those of you who are not familiar with this show, it is a vocal talent show to choose the most talented singer in America. To the winner goes a million dollar music contract and international exposure.

American Idol Top Ten 2010

Starting out with about 10,000 hopefuls, the top 24 are chosen and then each one is eliminated until the top 10 are chosen. These talented singers will tour as a group this summer, performing in front of thousands and thousands of adoring fans. And the main man, the featured event will be the newly crowned, Lee DeWyze, the 2010 American Idol.

The top ten are all very talented artists in their own right. Yet, none of them were headed for stardom. Two are teenagers still in high school, one worked as a house painter, others a glass blower, a personal trainer and a teacher at her local church. Others played in local bands, sang in their church choirs and raised children, one as a single mom. These were all ordinary people with big dreams. Until…American Idol auditions offered an opportunity to pursue their dreams. AND, they took it!

Your kids can, too!

Now, they may not be the future American Idol…or why not? As parents, you are entrusted with the responsibility of providing opportunities for your kids to grow and develop on their path. You are mandated to seek out ways to encourage them to follow their dreams.

These talented American Idol singers have been given the opportunity to follow their dreams. What are you doing to help your kids follow theirs??

Your children are the keepers of their dreams. And you, their parents, are their guiding light.

Help your children become their
own version of an American Idol.

To Spank Or Not To Spank–That Is The Question

Monday, April 5th, 2010

You have probably heard this old Mother Goose rhyme:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.

Here’s a kinder, gentler alternative of “Old Woman In A Shoe” from Jordan Riak:

There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe.
She was a kindhearted mom
Who knew exactly what to do.

She raised all her children
With patience and love.
Never once did she give them
A spank, shake or shove.

Her children all learned
To be gentle toward others,
And good parents too
When they became fathers and mothers.

From their days in the shoe
They learned this about living:
Kindness, not force,
Is the gift that keeps giving.

To spank or not to spank is an age-old debate. As a child psychologist, I am not an advocate of spanking. I think there are far more effective ways for parents to discipline, set a good example and maintain a greater bond with their children. And, the ultimate effects of spanking can be dangerous to your kids’ health, wealth, IQ, relationships and most importantly, your relationship with them. Here’s the goal: Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

You can also check out Project NoSpank for more information and discussions.

More on my next blog and on heartbeatradiousa.com Thursday at 1:30 EDT. Feel free to send any questions or comments you have to: michelle@heartbeatradiousa.com Hope to ‘see’ you on the call.

Old woman who lived in a shoe Spank or no spank?

Giving Teens A Chance: Is Curvy The New Skinny?

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

Thin is not in at Paris Fashion Week (as seen on ‘omg! from Yahoo’)

After many years of international criticism over the apparent unhealthiness of the skinny models chosen to walk the runways at the fashion world’s most elite shows in New York, Milan, and Paris, designers seem to finally be coming around to the idea of diversity in who models their clothes. While the ethnic diversity barrier has been eroding for some time now, it seems a diversity of body types has had an even tougher time making it into the modeling world.

Recently, several models known for their Victoria’s Secret modeling — most of whom have curvier figures than traditional catwalk models — were welcome on the Paris Fashion Week runway for the first time. The ever-so-slightly fuller-figured women were shown modeling the latest clothes for fall.

Speaking to reporters backstage at his Louis Vuitton show in Paris on Wednesday, designer Marc Jacobs made it clear that the new look of fashion week wasn’t a fluke: “Designers are always talking about how they design for women, and then you look at our runways and there [are] no girls over 20. This time, I set out to cast a variety of sexy women — younger, older, thin, voluptuous, from every ethnic background.”

Teen magazines, movies, TV programs, music videos, etc. are very specific about the way they define beauty. Your tween/teen probably doesn’t look anything like them; so she may begin to really feel badly about herself. Measuring herself against unrealistic, touched-up, liposuctioned, anorexic models with big boobs and teeny waists can definitely be very demeaning to her self-esteem. This fashion show, with the inclusion of models of various shapes, sizes, ages and ethnicities may be the start of giving girls a variety of images from which to compare. Of course, the best comparison is NO comparison—but c’mon…aren’t we all a bit critical of our looks and how we would like to look more like…(fill in the blank)?

How do you ‘weigh’ in on this issue?

Enjoy your kids—just the way they are!

Make Drive Time Special

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Continuing yesterday’s discussion of where and when to have conversations with your kids:

My favorite time is driving in the car…home from school, on the way to a sports practice, going grocery shopping. It really doesn’t matter. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk with your children. You have a captive audience!

I know, it’s usually spent telling them to leave their sibling alone, or arguing over the radio station, etc. But, again, if you consider this an opportune time to get to know your kids better, it could be turned into a time of closeness. Singing, playing I Spy, 20 questions, the Alphabet Game, etc. can turn times of conflict into enjoyment.

And, if you happen to have only one child in the car, it’s golden! But again, not a time for criticism, etc. Some of the children I see dread time in the car with their parent, because it turns into interrogation and chastisement. Instead, make it something they enjoy and may even look forward to!

Give them a chance to choose their favorite radio station or CD—

  • Have a conversation about why they like that music;
  • Who their favorite singer is;
  • What’s their favorite song?
  • What do they think it would be like to be a famous singer?
  • Have them teach you the words to a song you don’t know…teach them one of yours.

And here’s another one of my significant pet peeves… DVDs, Game Boys and ipods in the car. These are electronic avoidance devices that shut down social interaction. Going to the grocery store, home from school, etc. are not times to create barriers.

Please use the car time wisely. They are times to open lines of communication and opportunities to enjoy each other.

Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!

The Importance of Dinner Conversation

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Radio show update: Today we wrapped up the communication topic on my radio series, discussing some of the times, places and methods of talking with your kids. Dinner time as a family can be a wonderful time for everyone to share about their day, or anything else they might want to talk about. It can be a time to get to know some things about them that you usually don’t take the time to discuss. On the other hand, it is NOT time to grill them, chastise them or bark orders.

Here is some advice of how to make dinner time the focus of your attention: Turn off the TV, and all other electronic distractions; don’t answer any phones; ban cell phones, etc. from the table; have everyone seated at the table—no one gets to take a plate into their own room or sit in front of the TV or computer. Give each child (and parent, too) their own opportunity to speak; the others need to wait their turn. Make family time truly family time.

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Any place can create an opportunity to talk with your kids.
  2. Make it fun—not every conversation has to be serious or teaching a lesson.
  3. Find out something new about each of your kids everyday.
  4. Use your power of observation to respond to your kids’ reactions, in order to keep the conversation going.
  5. Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!

What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask!

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Radio series update: What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask! This week, we explored conversations you don’t need to have with your kids! Think about this: When’s the last time you had a conversation with your kids? I don’t mean, “How was school?” or “What do you have for homework?” or “Did you clean your room, brush your teeth?” I mean an honest to goodness conversation about some random topic. A chance to talk, explore and get a glimpse of how your child thinks. For most parents, the answer to the question is a resounding… “I don’t have a clue.”

And here’s an interesting observation:

  • There are lots of people, books and TV shows telling parents what they SHOULD talk to their kids about: sex, drugs, drinking and driving, etc.
  • There are other sources that will suggest conversations you SHOULD have from a faith-based point of view.
  • And then there are the conversations I encourage you to have. They are about nothing and everything.

In fact, you could spend your whole life NEVER having any of these conversations with your kids—and you’ll never miss them…EXCEPT—you will. What you’d miss are the opportunities to get to know your kids…one conversation at a time—by finding out about what they think, how they feel…about their opinions, ideas, and dreams. My book, What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask has 101 conversation topics you can have with your family. Each page has a topic question and then blank spaces for you to later jot down sweet tidbits to capture for a lifetime. The book is Priceless…because no one else can write your commentary. Only you will have this one-of-a-kind journal for a lifetime. Or to pass along to your kids when they become parents… Here are just a few examples:

  1. If you could change the world, what would you do?
  2. What super power would you like to have? What would you do with it?
  3. Do you think there are such things as flying saucers/aliens? What if you saw one?
  4. If you could invent something, what would it be?
  5. What’s your favorite movie? Hero? Villain? If you could jump into the movie who would you be and what would you do?
  6. What do you like about yourself? Don’t like? What would you like to change?
  7. What are you good at? Not so good at? What would you like to be good at?

These are the kind of conversations you can have around the dinner table—with parent participation, please—or in the car, during bath or bedtime, etc. These are the kinds of things that we rarely stop and explore with our children. (You might try to guess ahead of time, and see if you are right!)

And, I bet you’ll be surprised at some of the responses.

Enjoy your kids!

Want more ideas? Check out my parent guide: What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask! http://www.betterparentinginstitute.com

And please feel free to send me some of your own and your kids’ ideas.

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dr vicki panaccione

Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.

“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more...

 
 
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