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Archive for the ‘Education’ Category
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
Once upon a time in India, six blind men came across an elephant. Each of the six examined a different part to determine what an elephant was like.
The first man examined an ear and thought an elephant was like a fan.
The second man examined the side of the elephant and thought an elephant was like a wall.
The third man examined elephant’s tail and thought an elephant was like a rope.
The fourth man examined the elephant’s trunk and thought an elephant was like a
snake.
The fifth man examined the elephant’s leg and though an elephant was very much like a tree.
The sixth man examined the elephant’s tusk and thought an elephant was like a spear.
Sam Gross, the cartoonist actually added a seventh man who touched the elephant’s droppings and thought the elephant was soft and mushy!
Then they all went away to tell their story of what an elephant was like. When they compared notes on what they learned, they found themselves in complete disagreement!
So, who was right? They were all right, of course, based on their own personal perspective. Could it be argued that they were all wrong? Of course. Because you know what an elephant is really like. But, you wouldn’t be able to convince any one of them, because their experience and perspective told them otherwise. So, they all had the same intention; they were all at the same place at the same time. And yet, based on their own personal experience, they came away with very different viewpoints.
This story illustrates how much reality may be viewed differently depending upon one’s perspective. This same scenario plays out everyday with your kids. You think you’re on the same page—and find that you’re not even on the same planet! And, if you don’t talk with them—yes, with not at—you’ll never know which part of the elephant they touched—and how much their perspective of the situation can vary from your own.
Enjoy your kids!
Dr. Vicki
Tags: children, Communication, kids, perspective, viewpoint
Posted in Communication, Education, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 25th, 2010
Oprah’s latest question of the week was: Does Everyone Have an Inner Voice?
My answer…a resounding YES!
Sound familiar?….
“I’m not going to do that to my kids”, “I’m never going to be like them,” “When I grow up and have kids, I’m never going to spank them”…
How many times did you find yourself thinking that when you were a child? And yet, years later…All of a sudden, something comes out of your mouth and OH NO…
“I sound just like my mother!” “Argh!”
Or you get so angry with your son that you find yourself raising your hand and…
“What am I doing? I swore I would never hit my kids like dad did to us!”
What you are doing is following your internal programming, your subconscious, what Blair Singer calls your ‘Little Voice’…that’s right, the one that’s buzzing inside your head right now saying, “What little voice? I don’t have a little voice!” That’s the one.
We all have a Little Voice (LV) that rules us without our even knowing it. I liken the LV to a file cabinet filled with CD’s. When you are born, you come into the world with a file cabinet, the drawers full of blank CD’s—CD’s with nothing on them.
This means that you came into this world with no preconceived notions of how you ought to be. No internal voice telling you who you are. And this is true…as a newborn, you played by nobody’s rules but your own. Because blank CD’s make no sound.
Then, life kicks in and you become bombarded by messages, positive and negative, spoken and implied. They come from not only your mother, as the title suggests, but from your parents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders, other family members and friends, as well as traumas, random events, etc. Any time a message had a significant impact on your subconscious, you were inwardly told to save this one…burn the CD…and live according to this message. Hence, your ever-expanding CD collection became your Little Voice…popped in and played over and over again in your mind, molding your thinking, beliefs, and consequently your behavior. Your LV began ruling your life from the time you were very young and continues to rule right up to the present day!
We all have a combination of positive and negative CD’s composing our LV, which 99% of the time we don’t even know are playing. Every so often it screams: “Warning—don’t do it!” This could be a message intended to protect you, or to hold you back. Regardless of why a particular message got burned to one of your CD’s, they are being continually repeated in your mind. Right now, the LV rules you. It has tremendous power and influence over you, because most of the time, you don’t even know it’s there!
In his revolutionary book, “Little Voice” Mastery, How to Win the War Between your Ears in 30 Seconds or Less—and Have an Extraordinary Life! Blair Singer helps people gain control over that self-sabotaging ‘Little Voice’ that prevents them from being the best they can be!” Click here to check it out!
Why am I telling you this? Because I am extremely proud to say that Blair Singer and I have joined forces and are in the process of co-authoring the sequel to his book! “Little Voice” Mastery for Parents focuses specifically on how your ‘Little Voice’ affects the way you are raising your kids. The more control you get of your ‘Little Voice,’ the more effective you will be as a parent. You will find yourself more able to identify when you are functioning on auto-pilot, so you can tell your ‘Little Voice’ to take a hike and parent the way you choose! Stay tune for more details as we get closer to the launch…
Tags: "Little Voice Mastery", Blair Singer, child, children, inner voice, internal programming, kids, little voice, Little Voice Mastery for Parents, Oprah, parent
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Education, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, February 19th, 2010
Well, I hope you were able to catch my radio debut. It is a new parenting series, “Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto™”. It’s on heartbeatradiousa.com every Thursday at 1:30 pm EST. Catch it on live stream or WRHB Heartbeat Radio for Women. For the next four weeks, we’ll be talking about communicating with your kids. Each week I’ll be posting communication tips of the week. Hope you can join us next week (February 25th)!
Here are the Top 5 Tips for the week:
- Put yourself in your kids’ shoes. They see the world from a WHOLE different perspective!
- Set a good example. Kids learn not only from what you say, but also from how you live your life.
- Speak to your kids in a respectful manner. Respect doesn’t mean equality; it shows your kids they are valuable beings.
- Make sure your actions match your words. If you say something, but behave in a different way, behavior will win out every time.
- Show your kids you love them…through your words, actions and examples.
Have a great week! And don’t forget to:
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: children, communicating, Communication, kids, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, parents, radio debut, respect, WRHB Heartbeat Radio For Women
Posted in Communication, Education, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
Hey, Everyone: Check out my new parenting series, Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto™ heard weekly on Heartbeat Radio for Women WRHB 1410 am with Mary McBryde, Thursdays from 1:30-2:00 pm EST. You are welcome to tune in via our live stream at heartbeatradiousa.com. First four weeks will be looking at various challenges of talking with (yes, with…not at) your kids. Here’s the line-up:
Feb. 18 Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto™: The words you say are not always what kids hear. In this segment we will discuss the various ways we communicate, and why behavior really does speak louder than words. The answers may shock you!
Feb. 25 WAIT! Why am I talking?: Second segment will focus on the fact that while we want our kids to talk with us, many of us seem to do anything in our power to ‘put a sock in it’ when the kids try to talk. Emphasis will be on the importance of responding, rather than reacting to our kids’ attempts to communicate…and listen!
Mar 4 Getting to Really Know Your Kids…one conversation at a time: Third segment highlights ways to keep a conversation going so you REALLY get to find out, ‘How was school?…’How was the party?’…’How was practice?’…
Mar 11 What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask: Last segment will identify all the conversations you DON’T have to have with your kids, where to have them, and the importance of including the whole family in sharing the answers.
Tune in and then let me know what you think!
Enjoy your kids…even when Kids are from Krypton ; Parents are from Pluto™/strong>
Tags: communicate, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, Mary McBryde, Parenting, parents, radio show WRHB 1410, www.heartbeatradiouwsa.com
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Education, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
“I’m having problems with my son’s behavior in the classroom. He doesn’t want to complete his work in class, and he misbehaves in the classroom. I have tried to taking things from him and spanking him for his defiance. It works for a couple of days, and he reverts back to his old ways. He is failing in school (2nd grade) and I’m quite concern for my son’s academic well being.”
Dr. Vicki’s response:
I am so glad you wrote. Obviously your son’s academic well-being is a top priority. Rest assured…you are not alone! I frequently have parents wanting advice for very similar experiences.
Before we can really decide how to deal with the behaviors, it is critical to determine why he is exhibiting these behaviors. There are a number of questions that need to be asked and answered to help determine this:
• Is this a new problem, or has his behavior been problematic all through school?
• Does he exhibit these behaviors at home? And if so, is it all the time or just during academic activities?
• Is his behavior a problem during all subjects, all times of the day, during all kinds of tasks….or are they specific to certain subjects, times and tasks?
• Does he understand the work or is he having difficulty? Does he understand the instructions?
• What is he doing when he is not doing his work?
• Is he distracted? Does his seat need to be changed?
• Has he been evaluated for learning disabilities? Attention deficits? Processing problems?
• Has his hearing and vision been checked?
• Is he inadvertently getting rewarded for his behaviors (i.e–the students are laughing, etc.)?
• Is he being defiant or simply not doing his work?
• Has something happened in his life to bring on these behaviors (i.e.–death, move, changes, stress in the family)?
• Have you noticed any other changes in behavior, mood or attitude?
• Does he have a regular bedtime? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he a restful/restless sleeper? Does he snore?
Once these questions are answered, then intervention can occur.
Obviously, if there is an identified reason for the behaviors (learning disabilities, attention deficits, trauma, etc.) then those issues will need to be addressed very differently than if he is simply acting up.
If, in fact, the answer to all those questions is ‘no,’ then some kind of reward/consequence system may need to be put into place. This should be coordinated between you and the school, so that everyone is on board to help eliminate these behaviors.
• Make sure that he is being given positive feedback for the things he is doing well. And be sure to find reasons to give him kudos. It sounds as though right now his life is full of negatives as a result of his acting out behaviors.
• However, there needs to be some balance in the kind of feedback he is given. For instance, if he has a good morning, but acts up after lunch, let him know that he did a good job in the morning. Catch him being good! Ask the teacher to let you know what went right in his day, along with how he misbehaved.
• Be sure that the consequence or reward is meaningful to him, so that he really wants to change his behavior.
• And, allow him to start fresh every day. So, if he really acted up on Monday and is given a consequence (i.e.–no TV, no going outside, etc.), let him start fresh on Tuesday; reward him if he has a good day.
• Perhaps you could keep track of the number of good days (with smiley faces on the calendar) and when he has accumulated a certain number (make it realistic, like 4 or 10–depending how many days he really can behave—and they don’t have to be consecutive)) then reward him for reaching the goal. This could be renting a video, ordering a pizza, money, staying up later on the weekend, etc. Be sure that he is rewarded as soon as possible once he has met his goal.
• Praise him for reaching even small goals. When he has a good day at school, make a big deal about it. If he doesn’t, then just let him have his consequence and encourage him to try again tomorrow.
• Love him, and make sure he knows it each and every day. Just because you are not happy with his behavior, doe not mean you are not happy with him. Separate out these two issues, and he will learn a lesson without feeling worthless and unloved.
• Keeping his self-esteem intact while disciplining essential for real teaching to occur.
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and your son. Feel free to let me know how it goes!
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: academics, classroom, goals, learning disabilities, misbehaving, school, snore
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
Thursday, March 12th, 2009
“I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date; no time to say hello-goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!!” So bemoans the White Rabbit as Alice watches him scurrying down the rabbit hole. Ah, if this was just a scene from a movie or pages from a book. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
However, I daresay that this same lament is muttered from households all over the globe. And if I had to take my best guess, this sentiment is most frequently voiced in the morning, trying to get out the door to work and school.
In my experience, there are three major areas of difficulty parents report regarding their children’s school work: study skills, motivation and organizational/time management skills. Last article focused on motivation. This month, I would like to focus on the third major area of difficulty interfering with children’s grades (and I suspect most of our lives to some degree or other, as well.) I’m referring to time management and organizational skills.
While organization and time management are actually two different issues, they frequently go hand in hand. Organize means “to put in order”; time management, “make effective use of one’s time.” When time is not used well, disorganization tends to occur. Better known as chaos, by some; ‘the story of my life,’ by others.
Take getting out the door in the morning, for example. Often I find that too many details are left until the morning, resulting in a scrambling to take care of things under a time pressure. Some of the morning rituals, such as showers, making lunches or searching for lunch money, packing up backpacks, signing permission slips, even putting cereal and bowls on the table, and picking out clothes are chores that could be relegated to nighttime rituals. (Depending upon how hectic your nights are!)
I strongly recommend that backpacks are packed, double-checked and ready to go, with all the necessary requirements for the following day (short of sticking lunch in) and either at the door, or even already in the car before your child goes to bed. This eliminates some of the last minute hassles.
Backpacks—there’s a real fine example of the need to ‘put things in order.’ I see many parents start their children off the first day of school with a system that should take care of all their organizational needs; only to find by the end of the first week that the folders haven’t been used, the assignment pads haven’t been written in and the crayons are now where the pencils go, and the pencils are nowhere to be found. The key here is that you found this out early. There are two things to remember when dealing with backpacks and organization. Firstly, there are many ways to organize, and your way may not work best for your child. Secondly, like most other skills, organization needs to be taught.
I highly recommend that you review the state of your youngster’s backpack on either a daily (for the young ones) or at least weekly basis to monitor whether they have any idea where anything is, if you have seen and signed everything you were supposed to, and whether or not things like homework and permission forms are actually being turned in. If any of the above issues are problematic, then it is a sign that you need to review the system and perhaps modify it so it is more user-friendly. I encourage praise and reinforce for signs of organizational efforts. You may also need to use the same strategies for your child’s desk!
Try to find some time to take a look at what’s working and not working regarding morning routines and backpack organization. Then, try to work out some of the kinks. Evaluating and making changes on a regular basis can help ease the sense of disorder, and increase a sense of order and control of potentially chaotic situations. By doing so, you can begin to, “put things in order” a bit more, and experience the bedlam a bit less.
As published in Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: backpack, backpack organization, children, organization, organizational skills, parents, school work, time management
Posted in Education | Add a Comment »
Sunday, March 8th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have a nine year old son and ten year old daughter, who I still read to before bed every night. My husband thinks they are too old for this because they can now read books themselves. Who’s right?
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
Actually, you both are. It is wonderful that your children have learned to read and hopefully enjoy reading by themselves for pleasure. That should certainly be encouraged. In addition, reading to and with your children can be a time for closeness, cuddling (for as long as possible!) and sharing a common interest. It can also help them expand their vocabulary, and be able to close their eyes, listen to a story and be swept away by their imagination. As children get older, of course the reading material changes. It can be fun to have them read to you, or take turns reading lines in a story. Then there may be books that are a little too difficult for them to read, but whose stories would still be appropriate to tell. Perhaps your husband would like to hop on board and make this a whole family experience!
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Family, imagination, reading, stories, story, vocabulary
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
Motivation. Some kids have it and some don’t. For some, grades are their own reward. For others, grades are just the indicators of how much trouble they are in. Still others are motivated only to put in the minimum effort, claiming, “What’s the matter with C’s? C’s are average!” Or worse yet; “At least D’s are passing!”
Motivation is usually equated with effort, which is equated with grades. The first issue at hand is whether this is true for your child. Your student could be highly motivated, putting in a great deal of effort and still getting grades below your expectations. If this is the case, it may be necessary to acknowledge that your child is working to her capacity and become more realistic about academic expectations. Or, a child could be highly motivated but lacking the skills to apply her efforts effectively. This may indicate a need to develop better study habits or better time management and organizational skills.
If after taking a look at your child’s degree of effort and study habits, you find she simply isn’t internally motivated to put in the effort required to get good grades, then some external motivation seems indicated. Motivation can be encouraged by means of negative or positive outcomes. In other words, a child can be presented with a series of meaningful consequences if the desired grades are not achieved, or with meaningful rewards if the grades are acceptable. I use the word meaningful to signify that whether they be negative or positive outcomes, they have to have some significant meaning to your child. For instance, if she is not a sweets-lover, and you threaten to take away desserts, this may not have any significant motivational effect on her academic efforts. However, if she likes to talk on the phone with friends (or in this day and age ‘IM’ her friends,) then the opportunity to communicate with friends may be useful as either a meaningful reward or consequence.
Now, you might ask how can the same activity (i.e.-use of the phone) be both a negative consequence and a positive reward? It’s all in the way you present it. You can threaten to take away a privilege if grades don’t improve; or you can reward with privileges for academic improvement. Most of us are more motivated when working toward something (i.e.-a raise or promotion) rather than working away from a negative (i.e.-threat of being fired.) Putting the proverbial ‘carrot’ in front of your child can light a fire under her feet and create the motivation to achieve. Granted, she may not be striving for grades, per se. However, if the dangling carrot gets the desired result, then you both win. You get the academic achievement that is meaningful to you, and she gets the reward that is meaningful to her.
As published in Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: grades. time management skills, motivation, organizational skills, positive rewards, study habits
Posted in Education | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
It’s August and a great time to be making new year’s resolutions. New school year, that is. With the school year soon upon us, the time is ripe for reflecting on the successes, as well as the trials and tribulations, of school years past. What worked? What didn’t work? In which areas did your child do well? Where were the pitfalls? What steps can be taken to make this year even better than the last one?
Many of the students I work with are touting plans to have a great school year. “I’m gonna do good this year,” (their grammar, not mine!); “I’m going to get my act together;” and on and on they go. Commendable goals, don’t you think? Yet, while parents are happy to hear their children striving for improvement and success, I am concerned about how these same children might be setting themselves up for failure. The desire to do well, perform better and raise their GPA’s, is something we would like all of our children to develop. How they actually accomplish this, is another story.
The weakness in many of these cited resolutions is lack of planning and forethought. Children are expecting to do things that they have not a clue how to accomplish, or that are simply unrealistic. This is where they find themselves in a no-win situation. And this is how they end up with a repeat of last year’s problems, and with yet another blow to their self-confidence.
When a student tells me, “I’m gonna do good this year,” I want to know what that means to him. Many times they have no idea what to do; they just know they want to do it. My inquiry to the specifics of ‘doing good’ tends to be met with a litany of changes: “I’m gonna do all my homework, I’m gonna get all A’s, I’m gonna study more, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna.” To which I respond with something like, “It’s really great you want to do all these things; what got in your way from doing them last year?” I want to see if they know why homework didn’t get done, what kinds of grades they received, what it actually means to study, etc. It is only after we explore the facts of what happened in the past that we can set specific, realistic goals for the coming year.
This kind of analysis is quite eye-opening. It also offers a way to develop resolutions that are realistic rather than impossible to reach. Developing realistic expectations is the key. It is wonderful for students (as well as parents) to expect successful performance. While expectations can be set high, they also must be realistic. For example, if a student made failing grades last year due to disinterest and lack of effort, then getting all A’s might be a realistic goal. However, if a child who has been struggling and making D’s and F’s tells me he plans to make all A’s, it is very likely that he will fall short of his goal. And typically, once a child realizes that his goal cannot be reached, his efforts to succeed will diminish. It is our job as parents to set high, but realistic expectations, and teach our children to do the same. In this case, it is more helpful to set a goal for improvement of last year’s grades. Striving for all A’s out of the starting gate is not realistic. Starting off with the goal of no F’s and at least one C, for example, is much more likely to be attained. From that accomplishment, can come further goal-setting for the next increment of success.
So, much like the resolutions we make on January 1st each year, our child’s resolutions also need to be realistic and planned out. When we plan to lost 20 pounds in a month, we fail. When we plan to lose two pounds a month, with a healthy eating plan, we are much more likely to be successful. Such is the same for new school year resolutions. Unrealistic goals on the part of parent or child are likely to fail, breeding frustration and poor self-esteem. Setting your sights on realistic horizons will help your child soar into this new school year.
As published in the Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: goals, homework, new school year, new year’s resolutions, realistic expectations, resolutions
Posted in Education | Add a Comment »
Saturday, July 19th, 2008
Dear Dr. Vicki,
My friends say they need to keep their kids doing worksheets over the summer so they start the new school year on a good foot. My son cries and yells through the whole thing. He could really use the review but is it worth the torment? We all have to do things in life we don’t want to do, but is this one of them? What is the best thing a parent can do to prepare their child for the upcoming school year? What should summer be about for our kids and ourselves??
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Great questions! The fact that you are asking them is absolutely wonderful.
I think that learning should be an on-going process all year long. I guess for me it’s a matter of what shape and form that learning takes. Many, many children equate worksheets with school, and believe that they are ‘off’ over the summer. For some children, this works. Particularly since the first few weeks of school tend to be review at the younger grades. Other children need to keep up their skills. If they love it; great. If they don’t, then what to do?
I totally agree that children need to learn to do things even if they don’t like to do them. I just want to be careful that teaching this point doesn’t become counter-productive to the (academic) skills you really want to teach. There needs to be a fine line between keeping up the math skills, and contributing to a severe hatred of school work.
I think that all children should have some time each day during the summer to spend on quiet activities, academics and reading. These things should go on all year long. Some children do much better with school work on the computer than on a worksheet. Others do well if they can crawl into their parent’s lap, much like reading, and work on other things.
Here are a few tips:
• Set aside some quiet time for your children, so that any ‘work’ you want them to do is not creating disruption to playing or TV time, etc. This time needs to be spent in a way that you feel is productive.
• Perhaps there can be a choice of what kind of activity/worksheet, etc. that they can pick from on any particular day.
• Any chance that your children can do worksheets together with a friend? That would probably cut down on the verbal protests, and would be an extension of their time together.
• Perhaps if you want to strengthen math skills, a quiz could be given on Mon. If all the problems are correct, then your child does not need to do any more math that week. The next week, the quiz could be on a more difficult operation, or harder problems. If there are mistakes, perhaps for each error, another worksheet needs to be done. (One a day, etc.) That would mean if only 2 mistakes were made, then only two sheets would need to be completed during the week.
• You might want to give the weekends off, since that is how it is with school and with most jobs. So, if the weekend is strictly for playing, then adding a bit of learning to the week might be more palatable. Just like their parents’ jobs.
• If your children have a particular interest, such as bugs, sharks, flowers, etc…there is no reason that math problems can’t be created to incorporate things that are more appealing to them.
• You might also give a treat for a job well-done (and that means honest effort, with little grumbling, not necessarily 100% correct.)
• Loving connections are always in season! And it doesn’t have to be an either/or; it can certainly be both.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: academics, computer, learning, parent, reading, school, school work, summer, worksheets
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Education | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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