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Archive for the ‘Discipline’ Category
Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
This is the time of year when we are supposed to shut off the TV for a week and find better things to do.
Groups such as the American Academy of Pediatricians and Physicians for Social Responsibility and the National Educator’s Association want us to think about the children and how fat they’re getting because they’re not playing as much as kids did in the olden days.
Between Saturday (April 22) and April 28, the TV Turnoff Week folks want us to ponder how by age 16, kids in America have seen 200,000 televised acts of violence and 18,000 dramatized killings.
There are scores of good reasons to keep the TV dark for a week, but TV Turnoff Week officially is about helping your kids think outside the idiot box. And perhaps, that can have an effect on adults, as well.
Melbourne child psychologist Dr. Vicki Panaccione says one week of no TV doesn’t do much to instill lifelong viewing habits. But it sure can force a mom or dad to think more creatively.
“It can heighten parents’ awareness and realization of just how much TV their children are watching,” said Panaccione, who believes many parents “are being held hostage by the TV.”
By the way, don’t give yourself any pats on the back because you’re spending more time watching the stupid human tricks via short clips on Google Video and YouTube.
“I lump all this electronic stuff together and say there should be limits on all if it,” she says. “I’m seeing more kids today who are angry, who are aggressive, because they are missing the developmental aspect of (social) interaction and using their imagination.”
She advises parents organize play dates where children can interact in a safe, supervised environment.
Record favorite shows and use them as rewards when kids finish chores or homework. Parents who allow kids their own TV should at least ax the cable.
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: chores, homework, idiot box, imagination, kids, parents, TV, TV Turnoff Week
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Sunday, April 12th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
Help! My kids get sick a lot in the winter and I feel trapped. They are bored, whiney, demanding and I just don’t know what to do. I love my kids, but winter is coming and I am dreading being stuck in the house with them. What can I do?
Signed: Desperate housewife!
Dr. Vicki’s response:
You are not alone! There is nothing funny about having to go through a week of dealing with nature’s most common wrath, winter bugs. Especially when your children don’t feel sick enough to sleep 24/7, but not well enough to go to school.
So, how do you combat the boredom of being at home? Actually, there is a lot you can do. It just takes a little creativity to figure it out. You might as well make the time productive and hopefully fun for all concerned. The idea is to change your mind-set. It’s better to make the best of the situation rather than being miserable. You can use it as an opportunity to spend time with your children. It makes it more bearable for all of you.
You might think about doing things with your children that you usually don’t have time to do during the school week:
* Maybe it’s going through some old photo albums. (Albums—who has time to put pictures in albums? you might ask.) Surely there are pictures around that maybe your kids can sort through and put in albums, or pick some they want to frame for their rooms. Kids love to go through old photos, especially pictures of themselves, as well as ‘goofy’ ones of Mom and Dad when you were younger.
* Do fun things with your sick children, such as playing board games, cards, dress up, make up a play, do creative projects with Play-doh, crayons, water colors, etc.
* Pop some popcorn and watch a movie together.
And when you are home with sick children, you are also at risk of getting sick, feeling stressed and trying to keep them busy. I suggest that when a sick child is sleeping, that you take time for yourself. Relax and read, take a bath or do something you consider a hobby. And if you feel run down, hobbies don’t include laundry or household chores that might just wear you out even more!
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I feel like a desperate housewife. I am a mom, who is basically a single parent because my husband travels most of the time. But when he comes home, he tries to take over and it interferes with the schedule and discipline that works for us when he is away. I want him to be home, but not disrupt our family. What can I do?
Dr. Vicki’s response:
Many households face this dilemma, as more jobs require traveling. Usually, it’s the mom who is home with the children, and it is necessary for her to establish her authority and organization in the home. Routines run well, and disruption can cause frustration on the part of both parents, as well as confusion on the part of the children.
If Dad comes home and undoes what Mom has established, then the children may question Mom’s authority. Dad’s efforts to change the disciplinary structure and routine can actually result in inadvertent sabotaging and undermining of what Mom has put into place.
The key to situations like this is to establish clear communication between parents. Generally, many dads feel like an outsider when they have been away, and almost feel unneeded as they watch their family run fairly smoothly without them. I strongly suggest that Dad is made to feel welcome when home, but also realize that he needs to support Mom’s rules and ways of handling discipline.
However, there are many ways for Dad to be a part of the family. When Dad is home, this allows him to spend quality time with his children, and enjoy the time he does have with them. I don’t mean be a Disneyland Dad, but one who takes advantage of time with his children, as well as his wife. I would hope that he would express appreciation for how well Mom is ‘holding down the fort.’ And, Mom needs to appreciate, and show support and understanding about how he may feel regarding the need to be away so often. And of course it is important for Dad to stay in touch with the family on a regular basis when traveling, so he can be kept up to speed regarding the day to day happenings in his family.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: appreciate, bored, Communication, disciplinary, Disneyland, Family, parents, photos, sick, stuck in the house, support, whiney
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Friday, April 10th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have to ask my child 3 or 4 times to do something, at which point, I am angry. For example, my son was playing with his friend’s cell phone in the back of our car. I asked him 3 times to give it back to his friend (knowing the battery was low). By the time he gave it back, the phone was no longer usable as a phone. This is just one example. I feel like a broken record.
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
My advice is to not sound like a broken record and take action before the third or fourth time. The more warnings or requests you make, the angrier you are going to become. Take action sooner in a calm fashion, and your children will take you seriously sooner without your having to yell.
In this instance, I would recommend that after the first request without compliance, that you give him a choice. Either give the phone back, or ____ will be your consequence. If he still doesn’t comply, I would suggest that you stop the car, if need be, and take the phone away.
Then be sure to follow through with whatever consequence you had presented. Also, if he doesn’t comply and he earns the consequence, I like to say something like, “I see you have chosen to __________” (whatever the consequence is.) That will convey that this action brought about the end result.
If you find your anger rising, that is an indication to take action before your anger takes over and you either yell, or handle the situation from an emotional, rather than a rational, calm, take-charge manner.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: angry, broken record, calm, cell phone, child, children, consequence, emotional, yell
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have an 11 year old daughter and am trying to help her with “anger management”. So far we have been doing better with talking about it, and (she’s) counting to 10, taking deep breathes, walking away. . . .and I have tried to be calm in responding and then I “ignore” any junk behavior. Then I go on to a “normal” question and she seems to fall back into “normal” getting along. She does not want to be at odds with me. Thanks for any input.
Dr. Vicki’s Response:
It sounds as though you are doing a lot of great interventions to help your daughter get control of her anger. Anger is a tough feeling to express for kids, primarily because they seem to get in trouble a lot for how they express those feelings.
It is wonderful that she does not want to be at odds with you. That’s a great place to start from.
Responding calmly is key. If you become angry and respond in kind, the situation will tend to flare up even more. Encouraging her to come back and talk to you when she calms down is a great strategy. When she does, I suggest that you praise her for using whatever technique she used to calm herself, and let her know that you are more than happy to talk to her now that she is calm.
The strategies you suggested to her are good ones. It is very important that while parents are telling children what they can’t do, they need to help them replace those behaviors with acceptable ones. You might try practicing some of the techniques with her when she is not angry, so they will be better developed for when she needs them.
I also encourage children to come up with their own ways of expressing their anger. At this age, some like to journal or draw (remember it can be angry words and angry pictures), write a letter or e-mail to express themselves (although direct communication is ultimately best), listening to music, cool off in the shower, take a walk, etc. I also like to teach them progressive relaxation, where they learn to tense and relax their bodies and also visual imaging, where a very calming or happy image is conjured up in their mind, allowing that feeling to spread over them.
This would be a technique that you and your daughter could learn to do fairly easily, with some individualized instruction.
Another nice technique is to allow her to walk away to take time to calm herself down. I don’t mean in defiance; I mean with an agreement that she is allowed to do so. I like a signal that either of you can give the other that would indicated ‘time out’–let’s take a break, calm down, and get back together again and talk.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: "time-out", anger, anger issues, anger management, at odds, calm, child, Communication, control, interventions, letter, praise, techniques
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
Top 10 Room Cleaning Tips
- Be a good role model. If you want your children to learn to pick up after themselves, care for their possessions and live in an orderly environment…You got it! You need to set the example. If you take something out and use it, then you need to put it away. Children are much more resistant to do things that are clearly not being done by their parents.
- Establish a routine. Make picking up their rooms a part of your children’s night-time routine, along with baths, teeth-brushing and story time. This way they will go to sleep in a calm environment and wake up to start their day amidst order, rather than chaos.
- Break down the task. When told to clean their room or pick up the toys, your children may feel the task to be insurmountable. Standing in the middle of the room seeing toys, clothes and books all over the place is overwhelming. Help your children learn to break down the task by identifying specific items to pick up first, second, etc. Teaching them to put all the blocks in the bin, and then after that all the books on the shelf, and so on, makes the task seem more do-able.
- Limit items. Oftentimes, the amount of toys in a child’s room could help fill Santa’s sleigh. However, owning these possessions and having access to them are two different things. If clean up becomes overwhelming due to the sheer volume of ‘stuff,’ then try limiting the number of toys that they have access to at any given time. You could even try rotating their choices from week to week. Or, require that they put a certain number of toys away, before being given access to others.
- Teach organization. Organization is a skill…which many people just don’t possess. Help your children learn from the time that they are young. Ask them to help with household chores, such as putting a pot in the cabinet or a sock in the drawer. Teach that everything has its place. Provide bins, hampers, drawers, etc. to help keep toys and books organized in their rooms. This way, your children learn where to put things when told to, ‘clean up your room.’
- Make it a game. Helping younger children with the clean up task can be turned into a game. Timers are good for playing beat the clock. Or you could race them to the finish line as they pick up the dolls while you pick up the puzzle pieces.
- Teach while cleaning. There are many ways you can turn pick up time into learning time. Younger children can learn to count, and identify colors as they hand you the requisite items. Siblings can learn cooperation as you praise them for working together. Older children can learn how to vacuum, dust and organize closets and drawers.
- Teach self-evaluation. Chances are your children have a different definition of being ‘done’ with clean-up than you have. You might look in their rooms and have the immediate urge to point out the seven things that are still strewn over the floor. But…help them evaluate the situation for themselves. Ask, “What’s wrong with this picture?” Learning to evaluate and scrutinize their performance are lessons to use in many situations throughout their lives.
- Set deadlines. Deadlines come in two forms. The first is to clearly inform your children that before they can do _____, they need to clean their rooms. If ____ is an on-going activity such as watching TV or playing outside, then the amount of time they would have to do these activities depends upon how quickly they pick up. If ____ is a scheduled activity such as a party, then their attendance will be determined by whether their rooms are cleaned in time. The second form involves giving your children a certain amount of time to complete the task. If it is not done by then, you will come in and, without comment, remove the items that are still not put away. These deadlines should be non-negotiable.
- Pick and choose your battles. For older children and teens, room cleanliness may or may not be the most pressing issue at hand. Many, many parents decide to ease up on the room requirements, and tighten up on issues that they deem more immediate. This is definitely a personal choice with neither a right or wrong way to decide. Should you decide to loosen up, you might consider two things. The first is to set minimal rules, such as: no food/dishes/wrappers remaining in the room; no wet towels left on the floor or the bed; the only laundry that gets done are the clothes in the hamper. And the second thing to consider….Close the door!
Tags: "clean up your room", dust, household chores, laundry, orderly, organization, picking up room, role model, vacuum
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Friday, March 27th, 2009
What do you think of when you hear the word discipline? If you are like most parents, the word conjures up ideas of correction and punishment.
However, that is only one part of the equation!
Actually, the purpose of discipline is to teach. And the lessons taught vary with the ages of your children. With young children, discipline focuses on protecting them against external dangers and their own impulses. As they get older, discipline serves more and more to promote development as an individual and as a social being.
Top 10 Tips for Effective Discipline
- Set realistic expectations. Setting realistic expectations is a crucial part of discipline. In order to assure that expectations can reasonably be met, many factors need to be considered, such as: age, personality, temperament, strengths and weaknesses. When children meet expectations set out for them, it helps develop self-confidence and positive self-esteem.
- Clearly define limits. Children need structure and boundaries. That provides security and trust. On the other hand, they will still push the limits to see how far they can push, and to make sure they won’t be able to get out of control. Limits need to be clearly identified, and adhered to. And as your children get older, the limits will need to be re-evaluated.
- Set a good example. Your children learn by example. The way they learn to conduct themselves, is the way they see you conducting yourself.
- Hold your children accountable. When your children misbehave, they need to face the consequences of their actions. They need to clearly understand what they did wrong, and why the behavior is unacceptable.
- Use reasonable consequences. When establishing consequences, just like expectations, it is important to take into account the offense and age of your child. Consequences are most effective if given as close to the misbehavior as possible (particularly for younger children.) And, like the saying goes, “Make sure the punishment fits the crime.”
- Follow through. Basically, don’t say it if you aren’t going to actually do it. Threats, ‘giving in’ and failure to implement a stated consequence undermine your authority. Lack of follow through teaches children that you don’t mean what you say, and they don’t have to take you seriously.
- Be consistent. There is comfort in knowing what to expect. Inconsistency regarding behavioral requirements, and subsequent responses, confuse children, and leaving them feeling unsettled. Consistently having rules in place and consistently addressing misbehavior will provide your children with a crucial sense of security and predictability.
- Reward desirable behaviors. Praise and recognition can go a long way in helping develop self-control, because it reinforces the desirable behaviors. If you don’t acknowledge the good as well as the bad, then your parenting style is lop-sided and your children are taught self-control through punishment only. However, if you intervene when needed, and praise when you aren’t, then you are helping your children develop from a balanced approach.
- Use humor, flexibility and creativity. If you find you are ‘banging your head against the wall,’ it means that whatever you are doing isn’t working. It means it’s time to try something new. Being flexible and creative in parenting your children is extremely important. The lessons taught are the same, only the techniques may need to change.
- Pick and choose your battles. Children are far from perfect. And if you wanted to, you could probably find yourself disciplining all day long. It is necessary to address the behaviors of major importance, but try to ignore some of the little things. Remember that the corollary to, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” is that, “Most things in life are small stuff!”
- OOPS! One more—which goes along with any parenting tip:
- Love unconditionally. Your children need to know you love them…no matter what! Particularly in times of discipline and expressions of disapproval.
BONUS: TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD
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- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I GET ANGRY.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I GET SAD.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I AM DISAPPOINTED.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU GET A BAD GRADE.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MISBEHAVE.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T LISTEN.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU WORRY ME TO DEATH.
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Tags: accountable, consequences, consistent, Discipline, effective, expectations, good example, love unconditionally, predictability, punishment, security, self-confidence, self-esteem
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Friday, March 27th, 2009
Top 10 Study Habit Tips
- Teach a variety of methods to use in order to absorb and retain the lesson
- Set aside time for studying and homework
- Make education a priority
- Have an area conducive to studying: well-lit, quiet, with appropriate supplies
- Teach how to break big projects down into manageable steps
- Help, don’t do
- Encourage your children to evaluate their work and correct their own errors
- Set limits and give deadlines
- Find an organizational system that works for each child
- Have your children teach you what they have learned
Tags: Education, homework, organizational system, projects, study habits
Posted in Child Development, Discipline | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
“Want harmony at home? Then focus on good behavior rather than the bad.
Another important factor to successful discipline is understanding your child”, said Vicki Panaccione, a Melbourne psychologist and parent coach who writes child development articles focusing on elementary and middle school children.
“You need to know your child in order to know how to intervene in their behavior,” said Panaccione, author of Discovering Your Child: A Parent Guide for Children Ages 7-12.
“We talk about unconditional love, but we must also address unconditional acceptance of who this child is. Every child has distinct characteristics. So, if a child is not a morning person, don’t give him or her a lot to do in the morning.”
Panaccione also suggests redirection of negative behavior. If siblings fight, try to redirect that energy toward physical activities both children can participate in.
And of course, acting out can be a disguise for deeper problems.
“Many times, we’re correcting the behavior, but not necessarily looking beneath the surface to find out what’s going on with the child. It could be that something’s going on at school, or a lack of sleep, for example.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Discipline, Parenting, problems, unconditional acceptance, unconditional love
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Thursday, February 5th, 2009
Parenting can be a very humbling experience. Oftentimes, we feel at a loss about what to do. In those cases, I propose using the rule of T.H.U.M.B. I’m not talking about your green thumb (or in my case a brown thumb!), but rather your golden T.H.U.M.B. Like the Golden Rule, your golden T.H.U.M.B. provides a guideline to take you back to basics.
The acronym T.H.U.M.B. uses each letter to represent a key element to successful parenting. Instead of starting with T, I’m going straight to the heart of the word, to U, where I think successful parenting begins.
U is for unconditional love. The unconditional love of a parent is without question the most important message to convey: “No matter what you do, I will always love you.” It is crucial to separate out disapproval regarding a behavior vs. constant love for your child. Unconditional love also means unconditional validation, expressing belief that your child is a valued, special person without needing to prove his/her self. It is about the person your child is, and not about what he or she does.
OK, Back to T. T is for Tuning In to your children. Recognizing their unique qualities and needs allows you to take these into consideration when interacting with them. Of course, in order to do this, you need to spend time (another T) to really get to know them, and listen to what they have to say. Allow their styles and preferences to be expressed and considered when making behavioral demands
H is for Honor. It means honoring and respecting your children, speaking and treating them as you would want to be treated. When we treat children as worthy of honor, they will be more likely to honor others. Honoring does not make them peers; it makes them valued members of the family.
M is for Modeling Behavior. The behaviors you model are the behaviors your children will learn. If you want them to be responsible, kind, respectful, moral, independent, loving, honorable, etc., then, you must show them how to lead an honorable, kind, moral, respectful, etc. life. Knowing that they can count on Mom and Dad to “do the right thing” provides a strong sense of security and stability for your children, and a model by which they can fashion their lives. They may drift astray, but are likely to come back to being the kind of person you modeled.
B is for Be there! Pure and simple. Make sure your children know that you will always be there for them—no matter what! This will provide them with the security to venture forth into the world, with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
So, maintaining a healthy relationship with your child, involves following your rule of T.H.U.M.B.: Tune in, Honor and respect, Unconditional love and validation, Model desirable behavior, and Be there!
When you are at a loss, look no further than your T.H.U.M.B. Let it be a reminder to get back to basics and put these principles into action. These simple steps will help bring you closer to your children. And that deserves a big thumb’s up!
As published in the Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: honor, loving, moral, Parenting, respect, responsible, security, stability, T.H.U.M.B, unconditional love, validation
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Friday, December 5th, 2008
Did you ever notice that you yell at your kids more when you’ve had a bad day? When you’re tired? Don’t feel well? When you walk in the door and lash out at your kids, they’re not really the problem. The real culprit is emotional overload. You are stressed and need an outlet. Find time for yourself: take a hot bath, call a friend, listen to music, lie down for a while, take a deep breather, exercise. Find something to help you unwind and relax. ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR CHILD.
“If you do that again, I’ll kill you.” “You’re grounded for Life!” Sound familiar? Did you know that when you make hollow threats like these, kids learn that their parents don’t mean what they say? When you’re really angry and frustrated, first calm down. Count to ten, take a deep breath, leave the room, call a friend. Don’t deal with your child in anger. Take time to decide on a course of action. Make the punishment fit the crime. And most importantly, follow-through! Do what you say you’ll do and kids will learn to listen to what you say.
“You’re so lazy.” “I wish you were never born.” “You’re so stupid, can’t you do anything right?” Sound familiar? Words said in anger linger in a child’s mind. If they hear these messages repeatedly, kids begin to believe they are true. Angry? Frustrated? Stressed out? Cool down! Leave the room, take a walk, call a friend, take a shower. TAKE TIME OUT FOR YOURSELF…DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR CHILD.
As broadcasted on Hitkicker Radio.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: angry, cool down, emotional overload, frustrated, stressed, stressed out
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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