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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category
Thursday, May 20th, 2010
“Kids are from Krypton: Parents are from Pluto” Radio series update May 20: School’s getting out: Is that a good thing? What I find is parents fall into one of two categories: those who are thrilled to have the kids home, and the others who dread summer and can’t wait for school to start again. For some, summer is a friend; for others a foe. Same event; different responses. Why? One word…ATTITUDE! The messages that you send yourself, whether positive or negative, whether conscious or unconscious determine your attitude. And, ATTITUDE is everything.
Take the zoo, for instance. If you are looking forward to taking your kids to the zoo, you might be thinking: “I remember going to the zoo as a kid. I always liked the giraffes best. It will be fun to share it with my kids.” If your attitude is positive, you’ll probably smile and be enthusiastic. As a result, your kids will feel as though you really want to be with them, and you will probably all enjoy the day and each others’ company.
On the other hand, your thinking could go something like this: “I have so much to do today, I wish I could get out of talking the kids to the zoo again; I really don’t like the heat and the smell. And, really…how many times do they need to see a giraffe, anyway? Then, guess how your day will be? As a result of these negative messages, you will probably be miserable, act impatiently and your kids will sense your annoyance, feeling as though you really don’t want to be with them. They may even act out in frustration.
So, which do you choose? Would you like to have pleasant times to create lasting memories? Or, another annoying day to add to your long list? Attitude is everything. You get to choose.
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: attitude, Kids Are From Krypton, Parenting, parents, Parents Are From Pluto, school's out, summer, zoo
Posted in Family, Parenting | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, May 12th, 2010
How was your Mother’s Day? Lovely, I hope. Filled with flowers, hearts and good behavior from the kids? How is your day today? Still full of hearts and flowers…or back to the same old, same old?
Do your days go something like this?:
“Johnny, did you hear me?”
“I hate you!”
“How many times do I have to tell you…?”
“Whatever…”
“Apologize to your sister!”
“I wish I was never born.”
“You did what???”
“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”
“I don’t care.”
“I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall…”
“I’m stupid.”
“Clean your room.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Go to bed!”
“He started it!”
“Just ignore it.”
Sound familiar?
Day after day I see families in my office whose children treat their parents with hostility and defiance. Or with disregard. The lack of respect for authority is rampant. And parents oftentimes feel powerless, and overwhelmed. “What can I do?” is a frequent lament that I hear. Many parents have abdicated their authority, and their children are growing up with disrespect.
And then, once a year, these same children stop and ‘honor’ their mothers. Sure, flowers, breakfast in bed and homemade or store-bought cards and gifts are wonderful. It’s nice to be treated with respect and appreciation.
But once a year is not enough!
Once a year is hypocrisy.
Now don’t get me wrong. I think special days should be celebrated. Like birthdays, anniversaries, life cycle events. They deserve some extra celebration. However, it is not enough to honor, show appreciation and respect just once a year. These are life lessons that need to be taught to our children, and modeled and practiced on a regular basis. The year should be full of acts of kindness, celebrations of our children and parents, appreciation for one another and cooperation and partnership within the family.
Tags: children, Family, flowers, kids, Mother's Day, Parenting, parents
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Monday, April 5th, 2010
You have probably heard this old Mother Goose rhyme:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.
Here’s a kinder, gentler alternative of “Old Woman In A Shoe” from Jordan Riak:
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe.
She was a kindhearted mom
 Who knew exactly what to do.
She raised all her children
With patience and love.
Never once did she give them
A spank, shake or shove.
Her children all learned
To be gentle toward others,
And good parents too
When they became fathers and mothers.
From their days in the shoe
They learned this about living:
Kindness, not force,
Is the gift that keeps giving.
To spank or not to spank is an age-old debate. As a child psychologist, I am not an advocate of spanking. I think there are far more effective ways for parents to discipline, set a good example and maintain a greater bond with their children. And, the ultimate effects of spanking can be dangerous to your kids’ health, wealth, IQ, relationships and most importantly, your relationship with them. Here’s the goal: Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.
You can also check out Project NoSpank for more information and discussions.
More on my next blog and on heartbeatradiousa.com Thursday at 1:30 EDT. Feel free to send any questions or comments you have to: michelle@heartbeatradiousa.com Hope to ‘see’ you on the call.
Tags: children, Discipline, health, kids, Parenting, relationships, spanking
Posted in Child Development, Discipline, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, April 1st, 2010
Radio show update: Stop Shooting Yourself in the Foot! Today’s show focused on some of the major ways that parents undermine their own authority. Before you can effectively discipline your kids, you need to assume a position of respect and authority. However, most parents, particularly moms, have the tendency to sabotage themselves in the following ways:
Parents tend to feel that it is more important to take care of their kids than it is to take care of themselves. However, that couldn’t be farther from the truth! You need to show that you are important, and you take care of your own needs. If you don’t, then you are not respecting yourself; it will be difficult for others to respect you. Doormats are not very respected or honored. They are usually walked all over!
Saying something and not following through teaches your kids that you don’t mean what you say. The more you don’t implement a stated consequence, the more you undermine your authority, the more your kids learn not to take you seriously!
Inconsistency regarding what your rules are, and how you respond to your kids’ behavior leaves them in a state of confusion. When sometimes they get away with things and sometimes they don’t—they may as well keep trying to get away with it. Being able to count on a certain response to their behavior will provide a sense of predictability and security. And will teach them that every time they misbehave in a certain way, a certain consequence will occur.
Parents are not consistently holding their kids accountable for their actions. When your kids misbehave, they need to face the consequences of their actions. Moms tend to give up and do for their kids to avoid arguing. For instance, “I am tired of telling you to clean your rooms. So, I’m going to do it!” Oh, that will teach them!
Again, setting the example is crucial. If you want your kids to behave a certain way, they need to see it. Live a life of self-discipline, and that’s the model by which your kids will learn to live theirs.
Top 5 tips (+1) of the week:
- Treat yourself with respect
- Follow through with what you say
- Be consistent with what you do
- Hold your kids accountable
- Set the example of self-discipline
- Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: authority, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, Parenting, parents
Posted in Communication, Discipline, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 19th, 2010
Continuing yesterday’s discussion of where and when to have conversations with your kids:
My favorite time is driving in the car…home from school, on the way to a sports practice, going grocery shopping. It really doesn’t matter. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk with your children. You have a captive audience!
I know, it’s usually spent telling them to leave their sibling alone, or arguing over the radio station, etc. But, again, if you consider this an opportune time to get to know your kids better, it could be turned into a time of closeness. Singing, playing I Spy, 20 questions, the Alphabet Game, etc. can turn times of conflict into enjoyment.
And, if you happen to have only one child in the car, it’s golden! But again, not a time for criticism, etc. Some of the children I see dread time in the car with their parent, because it turns into interrogation and chastisement. Instead, make it something they enjoy and may even look forward to!
Give them a chance to choose their favorite radio station or CD—
- Have a conversation about why they like that music;
- Who their favorite singer is;
- What’s their favorite song?
- What do they think it would be like to be a famous singer?
- Have them teach you the words to a song you don’t know…teach them one of yours.
And here’s another one of my significant pet peeves… DVDs, Game Boys and ipods in the car. These are electronic avoidance devices that shut down social interaction. Going to the grocery store, home from school, etc. are not times to create barriers.
Please use the car time wisely. They are times to open lines of communication and opportunities to enjoy each other.
Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!
Tags: car time, conversation, driving, kids, parents, school
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, March 18th, 2010
 Radio show update: Today we wrapped up the communication topic on my radio series, discussing some of the times, places and methods of talking with your kids. Dinner time as a family can be a wonderful time for everyone to share about their day, or anything else they might want to talk about. It can be a time to get to know some things about them that you usually don’t take the time to discuss. On the other hand, it is NOT time to grill them, chastise them or bark orders.
Here is some advice of how to make dinner time the focus of your attention: Turn off the TV, and all other electronic distractions; don’t answer any phones; ban cell phones, etc. from the table; have everyone seated at the table—no one gets to take a plate into their own room or sit in front of the TV or computer. Give each child (and parent, too) their own opportunity to speak; the others need to wait their turn. Make family time truly family time.
Top 5 Tips of the Week:
- Any place can create an opportunity to talk with your kids.
- Make it fun—not every conversation has to be serious or teaching a lesson.
- Find out something new about each of your kids everyday.
- Use your power of observation to respond to your kids’ reactions, in order to keep the conversation going.
- Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.
Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!
Tags: children, Communication, conversation, Family, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Parenting, parents
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 12th, 2010
Radio series update: What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask! This week, we explored conversations you don’t need to have with your kids! Think about this: When’s the last time you had a conversation with your kids? I don’t mean, “How was school?” or “What do you have for homework?” or “Did you clean your room, brush your teeth?” I mean an honest to goodness conversation about some random topic. A chance to talk, explore and get a glimpse of how your child thinks. For most parents, the answer to the question is a resounding… “I don’t have a clue.”
And here’s an interesting observation:
- There are lots of people, books and TV shows telling parents what they SHOULD talk to their kids about: sex, drugs, drinking and driving, etc.
- There are other sources that will suggest conversations you SHOULD have from a faith-based point of view.
- And then there are the conversations I encourage you to have. They are about nothing and everything.
 In fact, you could spend your whole life NEVER having any of these conversations with your kids—and you’ll never miss them…EXCEPT—you will. What you’d miss are the opportunities to get to know your kids…one conversation at a time—by finding out about what they think, how they feel…about their opinions, ideas, and dreams. My book, What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask has 101 conversation topics you can have with your family. Each page has a topic question and then blank spaces for you to later jot down sweet tidbits to capture for a lifetime. The book is Priceless…because no one else can write your commentary. Only you will have this one-of-a-kind journal for a lifetime. Or to pass along to your kids when they become parents… Here are just a few examples:
- If you could change the world, what would you do?
- What super power would you like to have? What would you do with it?
- Do you think there are such things as flying saucers/aliens? What if you saw one?
- If you could invent something, what would it be?
- What’s your favorite movie? Hero? Villain? If you could jump into the movie who would you be and what would you do?
- What do you like about yourself? Don’t like? What would you like to change?
- What are you good at? Not so good at? What would you like to be good at?
These are the kind of conversations you can have around the dinner table—with parent participation, please—or in the car, during bath or bedtime, etc. These are the kinds of things that we rarely stop and explore with our children. (You might try to guess ahead of time, and see if you are right!)
And, I bet you’ll be surprised at some of the responses.
Enjoy your kids!
Want more ideas? Check out my parent guide: What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask! http://www.betterparentinginstitute.com
And please feel free to send me some of your own and your kids’ ideas.
Tags: children, conversation, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Parenting, parents, radio show, WRHB
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010
Last Friday, I had the honor of meeting a fellow child advocate. Not only is he passionate about kids, but about every moment in life. John St. Augustine is a former host and senior producer of Dr. Oz’s, Jean Chatzky’s and Bob Green’s shows on Oprah and Friends Radio. Recently, he has left these shows, and is now promoting his newest book, “Every Moment Matters”. He asks a very poignant question: “How many moments have you missed?” He reminds us that everyday is a chance to catch the moments that will never come again. He encourages all of us to find something new each day that we can enjoy—in the moment.
As parents, there are so many moments with our kids to cherish. There are milestones we all capture: first steps, first tooth, first words…lots of firsts. But what about the seconds, and thirds and hundredths? There are moments with your kids to savor and enjoy everyday if you slow down long enough to be present to them. Don’t do what John calls, ‘the woulda, coulda, shoulda shuffle.’ I urge you to find some moment each and every day to capture a moment (you don’t have to stop with one!) of joy with your kids. You can never get that moment back. And, after all…every moment really does matter.
Send me your every day moments that you captured in your memory bank to savor for years to come. I’d love to hear them!
For a copy of “Every Moment Matters”, by John St. Augustine, go to www.amazon.com.
Tags: kids, Oprah, Parenting, parents
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 5th, 2010
Update from heartbeatradiousa.com: The comments are streaming in—parents love this new show! Today we talked about ways to listen—in order to keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids.
Here’s a brief summary:
There are many times that we hear the words, but don’t listen to the meaning. Or we attend to words, but not body language, tone and what isn’t being said. Communication involves the ability to pay attention to what your kids think and feel. It means not to talk, but to listen. When kids feel that you listen, they will talk to you. If they feel that you listen to the little things, then they are more likely to bring bigger issues to you as they arise. Listening builds trust. When you listen, you are telling your kids that what they have to say is important to you.
Top 5 Tips for the Week:
- Give your kids your undivided attention.
- Listen without interruption or judgment.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Thank them for sharing.
- Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.
Tags: children, Communication, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Kids Are From Krypton, listen, listening, parents, Parents Are From Pluto
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
Once upon a time in India, six blind men came across an elephant. Each of the six examined a different part to determine what an elephant was like.
The first man examined an ear and thought an elephant was like a fan.
The second man examined the side of the elephant and thought an elephant was like a wall.
The third man examined elephant’s tail and thought an elephant was like a rope.
The fourth man examined the elephant’s trunk and thought an elephant was like a
snake.
The fifth man examined the elephant’s leg and though an elephant was very much like a tree.
The sixth man examined the elephant’s tusk and thought an elephant was like a spear.
Sam Gross, the cartoonist actually added a seventh man who touched the elephant’s droppings and thought the elephant was soft and mushy!
Then they all went away to tell their story of what an elephant was like. When they compared notes on what they learned, they found themselves in complete disagreement!
So, who was right? They were all right, of course, based on their own personal perspective. Could it be argued that they were all wrong? Of course. Because you know what an elephant is really like. But, you wouldn’t be able to convince any one of them, because their experience and perspective told them otherwise. So, they all had the same intention; they were all at the same place at the same time. And yet, based on their own personal experience, they came away with very different viewpoints.
This story illustrates how much reality may be viewed differently depending upon one’s perspective. This same scenario plays out everyday with your kids. You think you’re on the same page—and find that you’re not even on the same planet! And, if you don’t talk with them—yes, with not at—you’ll never know which part of the elephant they touched—and how much their perspective of the situation can vary from your own.
Enjoy your kids!
Dr. Vicki
Tags: children, Communication, kids, perspective, viewpoint
Posted in Communication, Education, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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