Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
 
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Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

Taking The Hassle Out Of Homework

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Kids are From Krypton; Parents are from Pluto Radio series update Sept. 2, 2010: Homework is an important part of your kids’ learning. It fortifies the lesson, and offers the opportunity to help them when they make mistakes. And in order to help your kids become successful, here are some suggestions for homework time:

* Set aside a daily homework time.
* Identify a specific place to do homework.
* Make sure that your kids have the supplies necessary to conduct the work.
* Schedule a certain amount of time in which your kids have to engage in school-related work.
* Review homework with your kids…don’t do it for them!!!
* Analyze why your kids are making errors.
* Praise your kids for their effort, not merely correct answers.
* Allow your children to take responsibility for their homework.
* Remain calm.
* Believe in your kids’ ability to be responsible and successful.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Set aside a time for homework every school day.
  2. Identify a specific place where each of your kids does their work.
  3. Make sure your kids have the supplies they need to do their work.
  4. Review their work if necessary; don’t do the work for them.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

Giggles and Groans

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto Radio show update August 26: Did you ever hear a baby laugh, or a child giggle? Makes you smile, doesn’t it? A child’s laughter is pure, without reservation or restriction. We were all giggling children once upon a time. And then we got older….we ‘matured.’ And along with learning to control our impulses, we stifled our laughter and settled for a smile, a quiet smirk or silent chuckle.

The sound of children laughing...Whatever happened to laughter? How did children get the patent? And when, along the way, did it fall by the wayside? I hear comments like, “I am so busy trying to get everything done, nothing seems funny,” or “Anything my son does seems to just give me more work—that’s not funny!” But the majority of comments allude to the feeling that, “I didn’t realize how little we laugh around our house; thanks for making me stop and think about this!”

One of the many slogans in my home as we were growing up was: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Later on, we decided that most things in life are “small stuff.” While there is a lot of tragedy in this world, we have the opportunity to enjoy our children each and every day. And we have the opportunity to laugh about the small stuff, and remember that almost everything is “small stuff.” Taking things less seriously can help you save discipline for the important things. When we laugh, we gain a different perspective on an otherwise stressful or annoying situation. And a sense of humor can turn a nervous, misbehaving child into one who learns a lesson without losing her feeling of self-worth. Parents: You are taking yourselves WAY too seriously. Lighten up and you’ll have more giggles and less groans.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Lighten up…don’t take yourself so seriously.
  2. Don’t sweat the small stuff…everything is small stuff.
  3. Learn to laugh at yourself.
  4. Make sure you laugh with your kids everyday.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

How Do You View Your Kid’s School?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

Kids Are From Krypton Parents Are From Pluto Radio update Aug. 19, 2010: Is school a mall, day care center or sporting event? The way you view your relationship with your kids’ school has a huge impact on your kids’ involvement, attitude and subsequently their education. If parents see school as a store and education as a commodity (what you’re ‘buying,’) then it’s like walking into Macy’s, paying your money (tax dollars or private tuition) for a product and expecting to get what you pay for. In this scenario, where does the responsibility lie? Who is responsible for their kids’ education? Only role you have is to complain to ‘customer services’ whenever you are not a happy consumer.

Viewing the school as a daycare center, also suggests lack of participation on parents’ part. Here, school serves as a substitute parent. This leaves the school to take over, so you are able to abdicate any responsibilities and place them firmly on the shoulders of the teachers. Parents who take this attitude tend to be uninvolved, and perhaps have little time for their kids and annoyed if the school is encouraging their involvement.

The school as a sporting arena or event, is an attitude of responsible, involved parents who want to work with the school on behalf of their child. In this view, parents are flexible and cooperative. You are a member of the team—and are willing to play whatever role the team needs—from cheerleader, to disciplinarian to strategist… whatever is needed for the team to have a WIN—meaning great education for the child, and the development of successful character traits.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. You have the greatest impact on your kids’ learning.
  2. Understand that your kids need you to play a huge, cooperative role in their education.
  3. Recognize that you, your child, teachers, administrators, and so on, are on the same team.
  4. As a team member, playing your position is crucial to the ultimate success of your child.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

Time For New Year’s Resolutions

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

Kids Are From Krypton Parents Are From Pluto Radio update August 12, 2010: It’s August and a great time to be making new year’s resolutions. New school year, that is. With the school year soon upon us, the time is ripe for reflecting on the successes, as well as the trials and tribulations, of school years past. What worked? What didn’t work? In which areas did your child do well? Where were the pitfalls? What steps can be taken to make this year even better than the last one?

Back to school!

Many of the students I work with are touting plans to have a great school year. “I’m gonna do good this year,” (their grammar, not mine!); “I’m going to get my act together;” and on and on they go. Commendable goals, don’t you think? Yet, while parents are happy to hear their children striving for improvement and success, I am concerned about how these same children might be setting themselves up for failure. The desire to do well, perform better and raise their GPA’s, is something we would like all of our children to develop. How they actually accomplish this, is another story.

The weakness in many of these cited resolutions is lack of planning and forethought. Children are expecting to do things that they have not a clue how to accomplish, or that are simply unrealistic. This is where they find themselves in a no-win situation. And this is how they end up with a repeat of last year’s problems, and with yet another blow to their self-confidence.

When a student tells me, “I’m gonna do good this year,” I want to know what that means to him. Many times they have no idea what to do; they just know they want to do it. My inquiry to the specifics of ‘doing good’ tends to be met with a litany of changes: “I’m gonna do all my homework, I’m gonna get all A’s, I’m gonna study more, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna.” To which I respond with something like, “It’s really great you want to do all these things; what got in your way from doing them last year?” I want to see if they know why homework didn’t get done, what kinds of grades they received, what it actually means to study, etc. It is only after we explore the facts of what happened in the past that we can set specific, realistic goals for the coming year.

Back to schoolThis kind of analysis is quite eye-opening. It also offers a way to develop resolutions that are realistic rather than impossible to reach. Developing realistic expectations is the key. It is wonderful for students (as well as parents) to expect successful performance. While expectations can be set high, they also must be realistic. For example, if a student made failing grades last year due to disinterest and lack of effort, then getting all A’s might be a realistic goal. However, if a child who has been struggling and making D’s and F’s tells me he plans to make all A’s, it is very likely that he will fall short of his goal. And typically, once a child realizes that his goal cannot be reached, his efforts to succeed will diminish. It is our job as parents to set high, but realistic expectations, and teach our children to do the same. In this case, it is more helpful to set a goal for improvement of last year’s grades. Striving for all A’s out of the starting gate is not realistic. Starting off with the goal of no F’s and at least one C, for example, is much more likely to be attained. From that accomplishment, can come further goal-setting for the next increment of success.

So, much like the resolutions we make on January 1st each year, our child’s resolutions also need to be realistic and planned out. When we plan to lost 20 pounds in a month, we fail. When we plan to lose two pounds a month, with a healthy eating plan, we are much more likely to be successful. Such is the same for new school year resolutions. Unrealistic goals on the part of parent or child are likely to fail, breeding frustration and poor self-esteem. Setting your sights on realistic horizons will help your child soar into this new school year.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Evaluate last school year, and identify what worked and what didn’t work.
  2. Help your kids develop their goals for the new school year.
  3. Encourage your kids to reach their goals in realistic stages.
  4. Remember that school is a place to grow in lots of different ways.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy Your kids!

Radio For Women


What Schools Teach That Isn’t On The Lesson Plans

Friday, August 6th, 2010

Children in science classKids are from Krypton, Parents are from Pluto Radio update Aug 5, 2010: “Why do I have to know that?” Remember wondering in school why you had to learn chemistry when you weren’t going to be a scientist? Or, why you had to take art when you hated to draw? Well, it’s not the learning of science, art (or most other subjects, for that matter) that is important; it’s the life skills developed in studying subjects, particularly ones for which kids find no value. Because, no matter what subject is being taught, the life lessons are actually more important than the actual subject matter. I’m not discounting academic subjects. However, I am saying that the skills kids need to learn to be successful in those subject areas are the things that will carry them into their future.

Here’s some of what they learn: to work hard, get along with others, cooperate, wait their turn, respect authority, handle frustration, do things they may not want to do, learn from their mistakes, get organized, be accountable for their actions, do their personal best, discover their capabilities, develop confidence and competence, manage their time, and so on and so forth. I’m sure you can add some of your own ideas to this list, when you realize just how much schools teach that isn’t on the lesson plans!

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Recognize that school is a place to learn life lessons.
  2. Understand that making mistakes, being unprepared, facing the consequences are all part of the learning process.
  3. Realize that grades reflect not only how well kids learn the subject matter, but all the skills it took to get there.
  4. Model the skills you want your kids to learn: patience, prioritizing, follow-through and so on.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

Top 10 Things That Teachers Wished Parents Would Know

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

Kids Are From Krypton Parents Are From Pluto Radio update July 29, 2010: You are in this together. You and the teachers are a team. Teachers want you to know that they have your kids’ best interest in mind.

Speak respectfully of school, teachers and administrators. Disagreeing with something is not synonymous with talking negatively and disrespectfully about the institution or your child’s education

Make your child’s education a priority. Being involved in outside activities is a good thing, in moderation. However, while it is great for children to be involved in extra-curriculars, homework is getting pushed to the back burner way too often.

Make a time and a place for homework/studying. School responsibilities need to be your kids’ #1 priority. School is their job.That means not letting other things get in the way of their job responsibilities, nor find excuses about other things you did that got in the way of what you were supposed to do.

Hold your kids accountable. Teachers want to partner with parents to raise responsible children. That means allowing them to experience the consequences of their actions when they are not prepared. Parents: Don’t bail your kids out! Kids will learn from their mistakes, only if parents are willing to allow them to do so.

Read to your kids. Even when they can read to themselves.

Take an interest in your kids’ education. Know what they are learning, when projects are due, who they sit with at lunch and play with on the playground.

Make sure your kids get enough sleep. Kids are being put to bed way too late, making them ill-rested in the morning and not very alert for school. Have a set bedtime and a night-time routine to help them unwind and settle into bed.

Be mindful of your kids’ diet. Kids are coming to school without a good breakfast. Send them off to school with a good breakfast, and pack healthy lunches and/or snacks. Teach them how to make good decisions regarding food choices.

Send your kids off to school with a hug and a smile. Mornings can be hectic and stressful; kids are arriving at school stressed out and harried because of the lack of morning routine and organization. Creating a morning routine can decrease the chaos and increase a positive send-off.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Remember: You and the teacher are teammates—not adversaries.
  2. Make your kids’ education their #1 priority; extra-curricular activities come 2nd.
  3. Provide the time, space and materials for your kids to do homework, study and read.
  4. Send your kids off in the morning with a hug and a smile.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Radio For Women

Your Children Are Masterpieces

Monday, July 26th, 2010

He was standing in front of the room, drawing. Big, sweeping strokes with different colored chalk—back to the audience, not caring what we thought. He didn’t seem to think much, just stared at the canvas for a few seconds, and then went to work. First came the broad stokes of pink and yellow and blue. Then, he started to overlay the colors—orange over blue, white over yellow..and on and on. What was he drawing? It wasn’t clear. Seemed like a landscape—did he have something in mind? But he just kept adding color after color, overlaying and seemingly adding depth. He kept moving—seemed without purpose until the brown looked like a mountain—and the white was snow. Adding more and more definition, the beautiful scene started shaping up. But then, all of a sudden, he added a big sweep of black right in front of the mountains, the snow, the sky—like a humongous lightning bolt just coming down and destroying the beauty of the serene scene. But wait! That’s not lightning—it’s the trunk of a tree in the foreground, sprouting branches and leaves of many colors. His twist and turns kept us in suspense…and anxiously awaiting to see his final product.

This was Richard Hight’s take on creating a masterpiece and how we didn’t need the best tools…just the right tools. He was drawing on a queen-sized bed sheet from K-mart, stretched across an easel with lengths of lumber. His point? There are no excuses: you can always find a way to create. Sometimes he uses elaborate paintbrushes or expensive oils and other times it’s a stick, or his pinkie. And, he ‘pointed’ out (ouch!) that you always have your pinkie with you.

Why am I telling you this? Because, as you may know—I can turn anything into an analogy or helpful tip for parenting. So, here is my creative masterpiece taken from Richard’s inspiration:

Your children are masterpieces!

  • You are creating masterpieces—your kids.
  • Actually, you are the vehicle for masterpieces to be created. The canvas has been presented and the chalk is in your hands.
  • And, while you have a general idea of what you want to teach and how you want your kids to turn out, the shape is clear but the details are fuzzy.
  • Who they will end up becoming is unknown—and won’t be revealed until many layers have been added, creating more and more depth and definition.
  • There will be twists and turns in raising them, and what may appear to be lightning bolts out of nowhere—can actually turn into great lessons or beautiful results.
  • There are some ugly stages where it doesn’t seem like it’s turning out well at all.
  • There’s the laying down the foundation, as you provide them with a sense of security and stability.
  • Kids go through many different developmental stages each one adding depth and color and laying the groundwork for the next layer, the next stage.
  • You look for signs along the way that what you are doing is working….resonating with your masterpieces in progress. Are your kids happy? Successful? Loving? What’s working?
  • They continue to take shape—their personalities, styles, interests and gifts beginning to emerge and you begin to see each of them differently…for their uniqueness and special set of tools needed to help them develop.
  • While your mind may want to take the path of least resistance, and draw all your masterpieces just the same way over and over again…you begin to realize that each one of your kids takes a different perspective to come alive and bring out his/her full beauty.
  • As you begin to see them in their own light, you start to find ways to help them get around the obstacles and challenges, coming from different vantage points that suit each specific masterpiece.
  • The keys are to be observant, willing to change, go with the flow and release preconceived notions.

Oh, and one final message: When asked how he knew when his masterpiece was done, Richard replied: “Art is always evolving; there is always more to add. However, at some point you just have to step away from the canvas and be done. Masterpieces have to stand on their own…after I leave.”

As the artist is the conduit for the masterpiece to take shape…you too are the artist through whom your kids will emerge in their own magnificence…if you view them as masterpieces and allow their canvases to speak to you. Your job is to make sure you have made no excuses, used the right tools and taken the perspective that each of them needed. At some point, you too, will have to step away from your masterpieces and then they, too, will have to stand on their own.

Enjoy Your Kids!

 

National Child-Centered Divorce Month

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Imagine having to have a month to raise awareness of centering attention on the kids when deciding to divorce. That doesn’t mean staying together for the sake of the kids. On the contrary, child-centered divorce is about taking your kids’ needs and emotions into account when making decisions.

To my amazement, many parents in my office have not really talked to their kids about their decision, OR only one parent sits down and tells them “the news.” This not only is an injustice to your kids, but also to the other parent. Since you were a unified family, the break-up of the family also needs to be presented in a unified front. That means setting aside whatever anger, resentment, animosity may be between the two of you. It’s not about you—it’s about your kids. And, whether you like it or not, the two of you are connected forever by these kids—and the need to co-parent is crucial.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT with who wrote the book on child-centered divorce, did a guest blog on this subject on one of my very favorite parenting sites www.parentalwisdom.com. Here are here top tips:

  1. Put yourselves in your children’s shoes.
  2. Remind them they are not at fault.
  3. Reassure them that mom and dad will always be their parents.
  4. Focus on change, not blame.
  5. Be confident and consistent.

Being the ‘feeling’ doctor, I have a few tips to add:

  1. Validate your kids feelings—this really sucks, (to use their vernacular), is unfair, terrible, horrible…
  2. Allow them to have any feeling that they have—and express it.
  3. Allow them to love the two of you.
  4. Be careful not to put them in the middle, nor have to choose sides.
  5. Remember: Your kids are not weapons to use against each other. They are precious cargo—to be handled with loving care, no matter what circumstances befall you.

Enjoy your kids!

Playing With Your Kids: Infancy To Age Two

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Playing With Blocks

Kids Are From Krypton, Parents Are From Pluto Radio Series update July 15, 2010: The key to playing with your kids is to provide toys and activities that meet their developmental level. Kids can play with the same toys for many months, playing with them in different ways as they reach new developmental stages. Some of the basic toys, such as blocks, serve so many developmental purpose that you don’t need to be quick to replace them and move on to something “newer.” For example, infants can begin to hold blocks and develop some muscle development and coordination. As kids grow, blocks help develop many other skills: object permanence (awareness that things exist even if you don’t see them,) building, planning, observing size/shape relationship, construction principles, strengthening fine and gross motor skills, using language, frustration tolerance, cooperation with others and use of imagination and creativity. Blocks are a great staple for ages 3 months on up. So are many other staples introduced at very early ages.

The worst toys are those that do it all for the child–leave nothing left for the imagination (i.e.–one doll wets, another doll drinks from a bottle, and so on.) This stifles their creativity, spontaneity, experimentation and cognitive development.

The most important part of playing with your kids is to have fun. Additionally, once you understand the concept of developmental tasks, you will delight in watching as your kids move from phase to phase, building on the skills mastered in the previous stages to move on to new and wondrous discoveries and experimentations in the next.

TOP 5 TIPS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Play with your kids from infancy all the way into adulthood.
  2. Play builds developmental skills while enjoying your kids at the same time
  3. Keep the same toys around—kids will use the same toys in very different ways as they develop.
  4. Recognize that play is a very important activity for babies and toddlers to grow.
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Radio For Women

T-Shirts Can Say A Lot

Monday, July 12th, 2010

Well, it’s summer. Time to pull out my favorite T-shirts, too light for me to wear unless it’s 90+ degrees. And I have quite a collection of shirts emblazoned with some of my favorite expressions. So, I thought I would share them with you. I am sure you will catch on to the main theme.

My #1 T-shirt exclaims, “Make It Happen!” That’s my motto. I believe if we want something, we have the power to make it happen. If we don’t try, it certainly won’t happen. And if we whine and complain, it won’t happen. But if we put in the effort necessary to reach that goal, we can, indeed, make it happen. The Quakers have a wonderful expression: “When you pray, move your felt.” I love it. Even these very religious, simple-lifestyle people recognize the need to take action, and not just sit around waiting for miracles. There is a joke about a very religious man who would go down to the beach every week and pray that his god let him win the lottery. Week after week, he would pray without success. Finally, one day on the beach, he started to pray, and a booming voice came down from the heavens. “Joe,” the voice cried out, “Help me out here—buy a ticket!”

Attitude Is Everything!Too often people just find themselves defeated before they start. Or they really don’t believe in their own abilities. This kind of attitude won’t help reach goals. Which brings me to T-shirt #2: “Attitude is Everything.” And it is. If you have a positive attitude, you are more likely to try to, “Make It Happen.” Because positive thinking moves us forward. Negative thinking holds us back and keeps us stuck. Another version of this expression is, “Attitude is Altitude.” And it is. Because your attitude will determine whether you reach for the stars, sink to the depths of despair, or passively remain unhappy and in place.

I found T-shirt #3 on Broadway, the heart of the theater district in Manhattan. It reads: “Life is not a Dress Rehearsal.” And it’s not. Even if you happen to believe in reincarnation or an afterlife, right now, this life is all you have. And even if you believe you will transcend to another world, you won’t have this one. So, the time is now or never to feel fulfilled in this lifetime. I watch people all day long put their dreams on hold, put off taking a trip, wearing a special dress or spending time with the kids. People are busy. And there’s always later and tomorrow. But not really. Sure, the kids will be there tomorrow. But now they are toddlers, not new-borns; now they are in kindergarten, not pre-school. Now they can tie their shoes and don’t need you to do that anymore. And by the time you make time, they are no longer interested in playing house, going for an ice cream cone or spending time with you at all, for that matter. When you treat life like a dress rehearsal, things get missed: opportunities sacrificed, events not attended or times not had. Your children are only this age once. And unlike a dress rehearsal, you don’t get to do it again, or practice until you get it right.

Finally, I don’t have this shirt, yet. But I’m on the look out. It reads: “Carpe Diem—Seize the Day!” Live life to the fullest, and end the day knowing that you have truly lived. For you, this might mean doing something you’ve been putting off, spending time with the kids, or pampering yourself. It is not for me to define; it’s for you to decide.

At the end of each day, I used to put an ‘X’ on the calendar to signify that day was done, and we were moving onto the next day. But, I now have a new strategy. I decided that instead of ‘X-ing’ out the day, meaning it’s gone, I now put a smiley face, meaning it has been. And I’m happy for all my days. And I urge you to be happy for each day, and to teach that to your children, as well. Because today is all you have today.

So, don’t greet the day as if it was a dress rehearsal. Go out and seize the day, with a positive attitude….and make it happen!

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dr vicki panaccione

Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.

“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more...

 
 
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