This article comes from a column called Stepfamily Advice in Philly Women, written by Lisa Cohn.
Dear Lisa:
My brother-in-law lost his wife to illness 7 years ago when his own children were 6 and 2 1/2. Last year he met a woman who was divorced with children in the same age range as his. She seemed very nice and pleasant but in the year following their marriage, the real stepmother has presented herself.
Last summer she claimed that my brother-law’s daughter, the oldest at 12, was a thief, liar and total behavior issue. The child was grounded for all of the summer except for about two weeks. My niece was part of Girl Scouts–she was doing that before the marriage and so were the new stepdaughters. The Girl Scout leaders have prohibited the stepmom from going on outings because of her abusive approach to discipline not only to her own girls but the other girls as well.
When my niece talked to the guidance counselor at school and asked to have Children’s Services called because of her own visible bruises last fall, Children Services investigated and then dismissed the case based on unsubstantiated evidence.
Now the abuse is verbal and control by punishment. During the late winter and early spring, the focus on the whipping boy changed to my brother-in-law’s son. Meanwhile the children have not been allowed to visit us and certain members of the family who verbally contested the treatment are eliminated from the circle all together.
In the 7 years before he met this woman, my brother-in-law was completely involved with his children. Now he is the talk of the community about how his own children are being treated in this new relationship. She is the dominating, manipulative one and he is the enabler by allowing her full reign in the guise of needing to support his wife as they become one family.
(We are trying)to figure out the best way to help and support the children. I will be very interested in any help that you might have to offer.
M.D.
Dear M.D.:
This is an upsetting story, and I’m so glad you’re trying to protect your niece and nephew.
David J. Draganosky, a partner with the family law practice Fox Rothschild LLP., says that if you suspect child abuse, you must keep the safety of the children in mind. “Therefore, it is important to act quickly so that further abuse can be prevented.” You should contact Children’s Services again. In Pennsylvania, for example, you’d file a complaint to the Department of Public Welfare under the Child Protective Services Law, he explains. The Department would then contact your county’s youth social service agency. However, if the county agency suspects abuse, it’s likely that the children would be taken into protective custody and placed in foster care.
If you call, you can identify yourself or remain anonymous.
Vicki Panaccione, a Ph.D. child psychologist and and Founder of the Better Parenting Institute, says that you could petition the courts or Children’s Services to appoint a “guardian ad litem.” She says that guardians serve as advocates for the children. “They can get in and investigate in ways that other social service workers cannot.” If you plan to reveal information communicated by the children, be sure to let the kids know you plan to disclose it. Otherwise, they may feel betrayed, she says.
As published in Philadelphia Daily News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
What if the child is too afraid to talk (she is 10) but I have heard from others about the abuse… the child will deny it though!
The law is clear that if you have any suspicions or information of possible abuse, then it’s your duty to report such. It’s not your responsibility to try to substantiate the abuse, only to report strong suspicions. You can make the call anonymously, and the claim still needs to be investigated. The Child Abuse investigators are trained to determine abuse, and to talk to kids even if they are afraid to talk, or are apt to deny the claim. Unfortunaely, when the abuse is not clear-cut, the report may be considered unfounded and the case dismissed. However, the family still has been put on notice and hopefully will think twice about being abusive. If claims continue to be reported, it is best to contact the school guidance counselor and/or call the abuse hotline again. If enough calls come in, they will most likely be less inclined to close the case, and instead may decide to monitor the family for awhile and/or mandate counseling. Thank you for your important inquiry.
After my children’s biological father and I got a divorce we were amicable but once the step mother got in the picture things took a drastic turn for the worse!! Her introduction via a phone call was, “There’s a New sheriff in town and there WILL be changes!” I soon began to notice bruises on my children, and they were constantly sick with rashes, headaches, and stomach pains. I kept four years of doctors, school nurses, teachers and police officer reports, investigator reports, gal (Guardian Ad Litem) reports. I finally got a restraining order against the step mother but then I relocated to help take care of my mother who’s dying; and two sheriff’s officers came and took my children against their will for relocating and now my children are living with the step mother and abusive father whom I’ve also had a protective order against for abuse and threatening my life. I have not seen my children since June 29th of last year and the step mother has blocked me and all my family from my daughter’s phone. The evidence is overwhelming and horrifying but since she isn’t a party to the agreement there isn’t ANYHTING I can do to her! and she is bipolar and is poisoning my children against me not to mention I am scared at the mere thought of what she is doing to them behind closed doors! Her and my ex want to pretend I don’t exist. I have FB messages and documentation to prove everything I’m saying yet nothing is done.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you need good legal counsel. If you are concerned that your kids are being abused, you can always place a call to Child Protective Services so they can investigate.