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Posts Tagged ‘affection’
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
Making time for each other
You plan everything else in your day—when to get up, take the kids to school, doctor’s appt, hair appt (what’s that?), grocery shopping, cooking, homework time, nap time, sports practices…. Are these all important? You bet!
You also plan family fun activities, like going to the zoo, the park, a movie, play dates, trips, etc. Are these all important? You bet!
But what’s missing??? Actually, two things…time for yourself and time for your mate. Taking care of yourself is extremely important, and will need to be the topic of another blog. For right now, I would like to make suggestions about what you can do with the kids in order to have couple time. “Easier said than done,” you might say. And, you are probably right! Easier to get divorced than remain in a loving relationship? Probably not.
What to do with the kids in order to have couple time:
- Take advantage of nap times.
- Come home for lunch when the kids are in school.
- Send the kids to a night at their grandparents, loving aunt and uncle or distant cousin.
- Swap sitter nights with your friend. You watch their kids one night, they yours another.
- Hire a babysitter to take the kids to the park on the weekend.
- Let your kids spend a night with their friends.
- Shower together.
- Go to bed when the kids do—yes, that might mean leaving the chores go until morning. Either way, you are going to be one of the dwarves in the morning: Happy or Grumpy. You choose…or, better yet, let your family choose.
- Pre-make several dinners on the weekend and freeze; or, when you make dinner, double or triple the recipe so you can have another dinner or two ready for another night. Not having to cook every night will be less tiring, and probably less frustrating.
- Go to bed ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news is over.
- Get up ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news comes on.
- Turn off the TV or better yet, take it out of your bedroom.
- Put on Saturday morning cartoons. Actually, kids will just do that themselves, if you don’t mind cereal on the rug. Have acceptable edibles put out for them.
- Have a video and popcorn night for the kids.
- Go out on a date on a regular basis. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t let them call you.
- Schedule Sunday afternoon as quiet time, where everyone goes to their rooms for an hour to nap, read, play by themselves.
- Spend a night in a great hotel and order room service.
- Take a long weekend together one or two times a year to rediscover each other and leave the parenting responsibilities and intrusions at home.
- Take a family vacation that has sitter service—and use it!
- Put your kids in childcare at church, gym, etc. and then play hooky and run home for a little while. It’s drastic, I know. However, as long as the kids are looked after…
- Take advantage of mom’s/parent’s day/night out at some of the religious institutions.
- Get your kids out of your bed. Generally, if your kids are sleeping with you, they are serving a purpose…to be a buffer for you to avoid being intimate. How’s that working for your marriage? What message does that give your kids?
- Sleep alone if your spouse is away. Do NOT have the kids sleep in your bed when daddy or mommy has to travel. This sets up a terrible precedent, and can actually lead the kids to believe that it’s better to have their parent gone, because then they get to be with the other.
- Call each other by your first names, or rather some nickname or pet name. If you call each other Mommy and Daddy, there isn’t much room for other identities. Terms of endearment are special and actually give your kids that feeling of security and happiness.
- Show affection in front of your kids. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, arms around each other are all great examples for your kids of what a loving relationship is like.
- Sit next to each other. If you continually sit on opposite ends of the couch, or with the kids in between you, the message is clearly one of separation.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!
Happy Valentine’s Day…all year long!
Tags: activities, affection, babysitter, bed, child, children, daddy, date, families, Family, grandparents, holding hands, hugging, intimacy, intimate, kid, kids, kissing, love, mommy, parent, Parenting, passion, passionate, privacy, school, sleep, vacation, valentine
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, February 12th, 2010
 - Your kids learn how to love by watching you love each other
Valentine’s Day is upon us—the one day a year we are supposed to profess our love for our mate. One day a year? What are the other 364 days for? Well, I’ll tell you what they are for…
Lots of affection, intimacy and passion!
So, why is a child psychologist giving marital advice? Because over the past 25 years, I have worked with 100’s and 100’s of children and families. And here’s what I know…
Parents who take care of their marriage, tend to take better care of their families.
Here’s why:
The marital relationship is sacred. It is the foundation of the family, the roots of the family tree, if you will. The healthier the roots, the stronger the tree and the sweeter the fruit. In other words, taking care of your relationship provides a loving basis for raising your kids. It seems that many families have children and end up focusing all their attention on the fruit that they bear. But without attention and nurturing of the roots, the tree becomes weaker and the fruits can turn to mush.
Kids learn from example. They watch you like a hawk. And, no…I am not suggesting that passion and intimacy become a spectator sport. However, when you and your partner maintain a loving, passionate relationship, you like each other more. Let’s face it—it’s much more enjoyable to be with each other with your kids, when you love the intimacy you have when you are alone.
Here’s what your kids learn: How you treat your wife is the example they learn of how a man treats a woman. Conversely, how you treat your husband is a direct lesson of how a woman treats a man. If you want your kids to have loving relationships, then you need to set the example. It’s OK to show affection in front of them. In fact, it’s a wonderful model for them, giving them permission to be affectionate with their future mate. It also can be very comforting to kids to see their parents having a warm, close relationship. It provides a sense of security for them, as they learn that affection is related to togetherness and commitment.
Furthermore, when the passion is alive in the bedroom, the sense of closeness and oneness is carried throughout your relationship and the many roles you need to play. Liking each other and enjoying each other also helps you support each other when parenting. It is much easier to get on the same page with someone you like standing next to…and forming a strong united front is key in discipline, communication and teaching values. When your passion ignites at night, your parenting will shine all day!
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other.
Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!
Tags: affection, affectionate, children, commitmentdiscipline, families, Family, happy child, husband, intimacy, kids, love, loving, man, parent, Parenting, parents, partner, passion, relationship, security, unconditional love, valentine, values, wife, woman
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Monday, August 17th, 2009
 My awesome son Today is my son’s birthday. At 4:05 a.m., Alex turned 23. Wow! How did that happen??? Surely I haven’t aged that much!
It seems like only yesterday that he was a baby! Then, before I knew it he was going off to kindergarten. And, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to high school,” I lamented. His dad laughed at me.
Then, sure enough… the next day he did, in fact, go off to high school. Again, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to college,” I sobbed. Now, his dad wasn’t laughing. And, then, sure enough…off he went. And now he’s in grad school!
It was amazing how different everything was without him. No more running to soccer games and band concerts; no more bake sales and book fairs; no more science fair projects and poster contests. The house was quiet, clothes and towels weren’t strewn around the bathroom, I could see his bedroom floor and there was no need to nag about taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.
Sounds like every mother’s dream? Be careful what you wish for! I was miserable.
As a child psychologist, I work with parents who tend to fall into one of three categories: the ones who can’t wait for the kids to leave home, the ones who never want their kids to leave and the ones who straddle the fence.
Time flies when you’re raising kids. Sure, there are days that you feel like pulling your hair out…and your kid offering to do it for you! And, then there are the times when your heart just bursts with love.
But, we can get too caught up in the daily drudge of homework, baths and discipline. It’s easy to lose the joy of being a parent, spending time with the kids and watching them grow. So…
Yes, you can yell at your daughter for spilling her milk.
You can tell your kids to “shut up” because they get too noisy.
You can resent all the dirty clothes piled on the floor.
You can spend the day giving your son the silent treatment.
Or not!
Bottom line? It all goes away far too soon. So, here’s my advice:
- Cherish the little things
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Stop taking yourself so seriously
- Laugh with your kids everyday
- Pick your ‘no’s”
- Have family time on a regular basis
- Find ways to enjoy being a parent
So—how about it? Do you pick and choose your battles? Is seeing your little girl with your lipstick all over her face, or your son with his new shoes covered in mud really times to yell and blow your stack? Or are they times to clean up, reprimand and secretly smile to yourself, filing the moment in your memory bank for heart-warming reflection at a later date?
Take it from someone who knows only too well…
It’s the little things that fill your home with the sweet presence of children. And these moments will be gone before you know it. When you won’t have to deal with muddy shoes, ‘borrowed’ lipstick and dirty laundry anymore… will that be a good thing?
So, enjoy your children— they grow up way too soon!
Tags: affection, birthday, child, Child Development, children, college, Discipline, Family, high school, homework, kids, parent, Parenting, parents, praise, self-esteem, unconditional love
Posted in Family | 2 Comments »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
Particularly your children.
However, you are probably the last to know! When’s the last time you patted yourself on the back? How often do you feel good about what you do? At the end of the day, are you glad to be a parent?
Top Ten Things You Are Doing Right
- You try to set a good example for your children. Children learn by example. So, how you live your life, is the way they will learn to live theirs. When you take care of yourself, act responsibly, follow the rules, show affection, and be honest and trustworthy (and a million other things you do each day), your children are learning how to conduct themselves.
- You teach morals and values. In your desire for your children to grow up to be responsible, caring, loving, trustworthy, moral adults, you teach them right from wrong, and hold them accountable for their own actions.
- You foster independence. Children need to gradually take over more and more responsibility for themselves; and you, in turn, are gradually backing away more and more. If you do your job well, you will actually work your way out of a job! That would mean you have raised your children to be independent adults. Then you will have been truly successful.
- You discipline constructively. Discipline is actually defined as, “training that develops self-control.” So, you hold your children accountable for their actions, teaching standards of behavior. When difficulty with self-control arises, you step in and provide appropriate consequences for the infractions.
- You set realistic expectations. It’s a balancing act when encouraging them to do their best, while being sensitive to their limitations. You reevaluate your expectations as they mature and develop greater abilities.
- You value education. Showing an interest in what your children are learning, and how well they are doing, conveys a sense of importance about learning. Maintaining contact with the school also shows interest and active involvement in the goings-on of your children’s academic lives.
- You spend time together. Whether it’s eating dinner, reading a bedtime story, watching a movie, playing a game, cooking, folding laundry, shopping or going on an outing, working and playing together builds a sense of belonging, community and connectedness. Being there for your children provides security and trust.
- You express support. Your children need to know that you are proud of them. You praise their efforts and applaud their accomplishments. You beam with pride at their school plays, concerts, ball games and spelling bees. You show your children your support by being their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- You show affection. Hug, kiss and cuddle your children for as long as they will allow. And when they get too old for ‘mushy’ stuff, you look for other ways to stay connected, such as a gentle touch, a squeeze of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, etc.
- And most importantly, you love your children unconditionally. This affirms your children and shows them they are valued and will always be loved. no matter what! Loving gives them a sense of security and a strong foundation that they can depend upon as they venture out into the world.
- And at the end of each day, I encourage you to stop and think about not went wrong or what you didn’t get done. Instead, think about what you did right—and pat yourself on the back!
Tags: affection, connectedness, Discipline, expectations, independence, morals, praise, responsibility, set example, support, values
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
When your children experience your constant love, they feel lovable and valuable. They develop the ability to love themselves, feeling secure and worthwhile.
When your children experience your unwavering support, they feel accepted and validated. They develop their own identity, feeling confident, competent, capable and appreciated.
Top 10 Tips for Loving Your Children
- Love unconditionally. Unconditional love is just that-unconditional. The love you feel for your children is unflappable: No matter what they do, you will always love them. However, children often believe that they are loved when they are behaving and achieving, but when they are in trouble, the love isn’t there. It is crucial to teach your children that how you feel about a particular behavior has nothing to do with your constant love for them.
- Be there! Children feel safe and secure knowing that you are there for them, literally and figuratively. Your children need you to spend time with them, and be actively present in their lives. They also need to know that you are there for them, providing protection and guidance. Knowing that you will always be there for them provides your children the sense of security they need to gradually venture forth into the world. They can feel safe with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
- Tell your children you love them every day. Tell them with your words and with your actions. Treat them lovingly, respectfully and kindly. How you treat them conveys how loved and valued they are, which in turn helps them believe themselves to be lovable and valuable.
- Show affection. Showing affection is a significant demonstration of your unconditional love. Be as affectionate as your children will allow, in the manner comfortable for them. Enjoy those hugs and kisses while they last!
- Give affirmations. Affirmations are the positive things you tell your children. These words of validation help your children develop positive self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. Affirmations can be related to something they do : “I knew you could do it!”, or “Couldn’t have done it better myself!” Affirmations can also be given just because they are : “I’m so glad to be your mom,” and “I appreciate you.” How about making an affirmation list of your own?
- Be glad to be their parent. Your children are amazing. Take time to delight in the joy they bring. Spend time savoring the moments, and sharing them with your children. Let your children know why you are glad to be their parent.
- Believe in your children. Your children can become whatever they believe they can become. Where do those beliefs come from? They start with you. You set the tone, the programming, if you will. The messages you send, the beliefs you convey, directly effect what your children will believe about themselves. And they will act on those beliefs. Believe in your children, and they will learn to believe in themselves.
- Support their interests and talents. Provide your children with opportunity to pursue their interests and cultivate their talents. Show an interest in what they are doing. However, three cautions: don’t over-schedule; don’t turn an interest into lessons and practice sessions without your children’s agreement; and if their interests and abilities do not match your expectations, keep your disappointment to yourself.
- Be your children’s biggest fan. Of all the various feedback your children will receive, they want your approval the most. Show them how proud you are of their efforts and accomplishments, as well as the wonderful individuals they are becoming. Cheer all you want at their sporting events and snap as many pictures as possible at their concerts, school plays and award ceremonies. Smiles, hugs, praise and big thumbs-up will let them know that you are their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- Catch your children being good. Find reasons to praise your children everyday. You can always find reasons to praise for things they do (such as cooperating, getting a good grade, etc.). And then there are reasons to praise for things they don’t do (such as not interrupting your phone conversation, not hitting their sibling even when angry, etc.)
BONUS: TOP 10 AFFIRMATIONS
- I AM SO LUCKY TO BE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER
- I APPRECIATE YOU
- I TRUST YOU
- I BELIEVE IN YOU
- YOU ARE CAPABLE AND COMPETENT
- YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY
- YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO DO
- YOU ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE
- I AM PROUD OF YOU JUST FOR BEING YOU
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Tags: affection, affirmations, appreciate, beliefs, believe in, capable, children, competent, parent, praise, proud of, safe, secure, unconditional love
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
“Children need to know they are loved simply for existing, not because of what they do, what grades they bring home, but just because of who they are.”
Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D., child psychologist
Parents spend a lot of time telling kids to clean their room, do their homework, wash the dishes, stop fighting with their siblings, brush their teeth and go to bed. When it comes to raising responsible and loving children, discipline is an important part of parenting. But so is affection.
Yet, sometimes, during hectic days, parents simply forget to show their children love, and no one can afford to do that.
Melbourne child psychologist (Dr.) Vicki Panaccione wants parents to show love, not just assume their children already know. She hung a sign outside of her office that reads: Dr. Vicki Says “Hug Your Kids Today”.
“It’s important to spread the word about how parents can have great relationships with their kids,” Panaccione said. “In the hustle and bustle of the day and week, a lot of times we forget. It kind of passes, and we’ve missed the moment, particularly as our kids get older.”
She’s gotten a lot of response to the sign from parents who honk horns in agreement or pull over to follow the sign’s advice.
“I think knowing that you are unconditionally loved is the most important thing a child needs to know,” Panaccione said. “The need to know they are loved simply for existing, not because of what they do, what grades they bring home.
“First, you have to receive love in order to be able to give love,” she added. “You must feel that you are a lovable person in order to gain confidence and self-esteem.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: affection, confidence, Discipline, hugs, love, Parenting, self-esteem, unconditionally loved
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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