Picture yourself in this situation…
“Honey, I’m home! And I’ve brought someone with me. This is Sue, my new wife; isn’t she cute? From now on, you need to accept her. I only have so much time, so you will sometimes have to wait for my attention. Also, you will have to share our room with her, all your possessions and most of all, me. I also want you to be nice to her, because she is now part of our family. Since you were here first, and are the oldest, I want you to be a big girl and do more for yourself while I give Sue special attention to help her settle in and be happy here. And oh, by the way….you have to love her.”
While this scenario seems absurd, it comes close to illustrating the introduction of a new child into the home. And you wonder why there’s sibling rivalry? Children want to feel important and special. This is crucial for them to develop a sense of security and safety. When a child begins to feel that he is being replaced, or the other child is more important to his parents, jealousy will occur. Pure and simple!
Children also need attention. And when you add more children to the mix, the less opportunity they have to receive parents’ undivided attention. So, children fight in front of you in order to get your attention. Think about how many times you have heard yourself say, “When they’re by themselves, they play really well together; then I come into the room and all hell breaks loose!”
Sharing is one of the most dreaded words children hate to hear. Not only do they have to share you, but all their possessions, their space and the front seat. “Share with your brother,” “Let your sister play with that,” “You have to take turns.” All this sharing fuels the battle.
Not only do children want to be special, they want to feel unique, and separate from their siblings. They want to be recognized for who they are, not lumped together with their brothers and sisters. “The kids” may become a single entity, failing to differentiate one from the other.
There is an upside to sibling rivalry. Children have an opportunity in a safe environment to learn to negotiate relationships. They learn to compromise, negotiate, problem-solve, control aggression and develop coping strategies. They can learn to cooperate, treat others fairly, tolerate the presence of others (even if they don’t like them), learn to respect other people’s possessions and privacy, and yes…..even share.
What to do? 1) First of all, be careful not to fuel the fire. Parents can inadvertently make the situation worse by comparing one child to the other. 2) Don’t allow your children to fight in front of you. As long as you feel that serious harm will not occur, walk away and let them work it out. Set firm rules about being physical with each other and enforce them. 3) Be careful not to take sides, and don’t reinforce the behavior by paying attention to it. If you must intervene, then everyone should reap the consequences. 4) Be sure to spend individual time with each child, giving them your undivided attention. 5) Legitimize their feelings and teach appropriate ways to express them. 6) Assign group projects, and praise cooperation and positive interactions. 7) Don’t try to make everything equal. Children need to learn that they can’t always be the center of attention. 
Allow each child to have possessions they don’t have to share, as well as private space.
Children need to be loved uniquely, not uniformly. The emphasis is on quality NOT equality. Convey the uniqueness of the relationship you have with each one, not its fairness or sameness. It is important to feel valued as an individual; to be loved in spite of how many others there are.
And remember: They don’t necessarily like each other just because they were born into the same family. They may not have been happy to hear: “Honey, I’m home!”
As published in the Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
