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What’s Your Little Voice Saying?

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Little Voice Mastery

Oprah’s latest question of the week was: Does Everyone Have an Inner Voice?

My answer…a resounding YES!

Sound familiar?….

“I’m not going to do that to my kids”, “I’m never going to be like them,” “When I grow up and have kids, I’m never going to spank them”…

How many times did you find yourself thinking that when you were a child? And yet, years later…All of a sudden, something comes out of your mouth and OH NO…

“I sound just like my mother!” “Argh!”

Or you get so angry with your son that you find yourself raising your hand and…

“What am I doing? I swore I would never hit my kids like dad did to us!”

What you are doing is following your internal programming, your subconscious, what Blair Singer calls your ‘Little Voice’…that’s right, the one that’s buzzing inside your head right now saying, “What little voice? I don’t have a little voice!” That’s the one.

We all have a Little Voice (LV) that rules us without our even knowing it. I liken the LV to a file cabinet filled with CD’s. When you are born, you come into the world with a file cabinet, the drawers full of blank CD’s—CD’s with nothing on them.

This means that you came into this world with no preconceived notions of how you ought to be. No internal voice telling you who you are. And this is true…as a newborn, you played by nobody’s rules but your own. Because blank CD’s make no sound.

Then, life kicks in and you become bombarded by messages, positive and negative, spoken and implied. They come from not only your mother, as the title suggests, but from your parents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders, other family members and friends, as well as traumas, random events, etc. Any time a message had a significant impact on your subconscious, you were inwardly told to save this one…burn the CD…and live according to this message. Hence, your ever-expanding CD collection became your Little Voice…popped in and played over and over again in your mind, molding your thinking, beliefs, and consequently your behavior. Your LV began ruling your life from the time you were very young and continues to rule right up to the present day!

We all have a combination of positive and negative CD’s composing our LV, which 99% of the time we don’t even know are playing. Every so often it screams: “Warning—don’t do it!” This could be a message intended to protect you, or to hold you back. Regardless of why a particular message got burned to one of your CD’s, they are being continually repeated in your mind. Right now, the LV rules you. It has tremendous power and influence over you, because most of the time, you don’t even know it’s there!

In his revolutionary book, “Little Voice” Mastery, How to Win the War Between your Ears in 30 Seconds or Less—and Have an Extraordinary Life! Blair Singer helps people gain control over that self-sabotaging ‘Little Voice’ that prevents them from being the best they can be!” Click here to check it out!

Why am I telling you this? Because I am extremely proud to say that Blair Singer and I have joined forces and are in the process of co-authoring the sequel to his book! “Little Voice” Mastery for Parents focuses specifically on how your ‘Little Voice’ affects the way you are raising your kids. The more control you get of your ‘Little Voice,’ the more effective you will be as a parent. You will find yourself more able to identify when you are functioning on auto-pilot, so you can tell your ‘Little Voice’ to take a hike and parent the way you choose! Stay tune for more details as we get closer to the launch…

Tags: "Little Voice Mastery", Blair Singer, child, children, inner voice, internal programming, kids, little voice, Little Voice Mastery for Parents, Oprah, parent
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Education, Parenting | Add a Comment »

Parenting and Passion…Not Mutually Exclusive (Part 2)

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Making time for each other

You plan everything else in your day—when to get up, take the kids to school, doctor’s appt, hair appt (what’s that?), grocery shopping, cooking, homework time, nap time, sports practices…. Are these all important? You bet!

You also plan family fun activities, like going to the zoo, the park, a movie, play dates, trips, etc. Are these all important? You bet!

But what’s missing??? Actually, two things…time for yourself and time for your mate. Taking care of yourself is extremely important, and will need to be the topic of another blog. For right now, I would like to make suggestions about what you can do with the kids in order to have couple time. “Easier said than done,” you might say. And, you are probably right! Easier to get divorced than remain in a loving relationship? Probably not.

What to do with the kids in order to have couple time:

Take advantage of nap times.
Come home for lunch when the kids are in school.
Send the kids to a night at their grandparents, loving aunt and uncle or distant cousin.
Swap sitter nights with your friend. You watch their kids one night, they yours another.
Hire a babysitter to take the kids to the park on the weekend.
Let your kids spend a night with their friends.
Shower together.
Go to bed when the kids do—yes, that might mean leaving the chores go until morning. Either way, you are going to be one of the dwarves in the morning: Happy or Grumpy. You choose…or, better yet, let your family choose.
Pre-make several dinners on the weekend and freeze; or, when you make dinner, double or triple the recipe so you can have another dinner or two ready for another night. Not having to cook every night will be less tiring, and probably less frustrating.
Go to bed ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news is over.
Get up ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news comes on.
Turn off the TV or better yet, take it out of your bedroom.
Put on Saturday morning cartoons. Actually, kids will just do that themselves, if you don’t mind cereal on the rug. Have acceptable edibles put out for them.
Have a video and popcorn night for the kids.
Go out on a date on a regular basis. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t let them call you.
Schedule Sunday afternoon as quiet time, where everyone goes to their rooms for an hour to nap, read, play by themselves.
Spend a night in a great hotel and order room service.
Take a long weekend together one or two times a year to rediscover each other and leave the parenting responsibilities and intrusions at home.
Take a family vacation that has sitter service—and use it!
Put your kids in childcare at church, gym, etc. and then play hooky and run home for a little while. It’s drastic, I know. However, as long as the kids are looked after…
Take advantage of mom’s/parent’s day/night out at some of the religious institutions.
Get your kids out of your bed. Generally, if your kids are sleeping with you, they are serving a purpose…to be a buffer for you to avoid being intimate. How’s that working for your marriage? What message does that give your kids?
Sleep alone if your spouse is away. Do NOT have the kids sleep in your bed when daddy or mommy has to travel. This sets up a terrible precedent, and can actually lead the kids to believe that it’s better to have their parent gone, because then they get to be with the other.
Call each other by your first names, or rather some nickname or pet name. If you call each other Mommy and Daddy, there isn’t much room for other identities. Terms of endearment are special and actually give your kids that feeling of security and happiness.
Show affection in front of your kids. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, arms around each other are all great examples for your kids of what a loving relationship is like.
Sit next to each other. If you continually sit on opposite ends of the couch, or with the kids in between you, the message is clearly one of separation.

Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!

Happy Valentine’s Day…all year long!

Tags: activities, affection, babysitter, bed, child, children, daddy, date, families, Family, grandparents, holding hands, hugging, intimacy, intimate, kid, kids, kissing, love, mommy, parent, Parenting, passion, passionate, privacy, school, sleep, vacation, valentine
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »

Parenting and Passion…Not Mutually Exclusive

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

The best thing you can do for your kids is to love each other.

Yesterday’s Valentine’s message encouraged you to put passion and intimacy back in your marriage. When you can enjoy each other and feel good about yourselves, you will then feel more positive about the other roles that you also have to fill. The most important role? Parent!

Believe it or not, being parents and being passionate are not mutually exclusive! They may just take a little more effort to work both the role of the loving parent and the loving partner into your life on a regular basis.
Here are some things to keep in mind:

First of all, a passionate night together can’t always be spontaneous anymore. What was wonderful without kids may not be as available to you anymore. So, lack of spontaneity does not mean passion and intimacy have to be passé.

Secondly, planning a night of passion can be exciting. Planning doesn’t have to feel routine and unromantic. On the contrary…There can be anticipation. This can provide strong motivation to take care of all the household chores so that you can enjoy the end pay-off.

However, things don’t always go as planned. Kids will be terribly inconsiderate and get sick, have a bad dream or suddenly remember an unfinished project that’s due the next day.

So, adapting is important. Adapting and regrouping…not giving up altogether.

Share the load with the whole family. Let everyone pitch in to get the essential nightly chores completed.

Set time for each other as a priority. There’s always a tremendous amount of things to do before you probably consider everything ‘done’ for the night. Sometimes the dishes need to be left in the sink, the laundry left unfolded, the toys not put where they go until morning.

Teach boundaries. Set limits before you explode. There’s a time to say, “Enough!” “That’s it…you’re in bed for the night.” “Don’t come out again or there will be consequences.” “Stay in your room and there will be a reward in the morning.” And then, most importantly…follow through!

Here are two key ingredients to setting those boundaries:

KNOCK: Teach your kids privacy from a very early age. A closed door should mean, “Do not come in without knocking and getting permission to enter.” If this is simply another rule in your house, like turning off lights or washing your hands, then it will become ingrained and just taken for granted. Teach your kids to knock. Model that and show them the same courtesy. If you don’t want to have to knock, then keep their doors open. Respecting a closed door will give you more privacy and help prevent kids walking in at inopportune times. Locking your door is also permissible to teach kids to knock.

HAVEN: Make your bedroom a haven for you and your spouse. Leave all the kids toys, bottles, school papers, whatever, outside the door. That actually goes for paperwork and cell phones for business. When you shut your door at work, it means you are in a meeting and basically shouldn’t be disturbed. So it can be at home. When you shut your bedroom door, you are having private time with your mate and basically shouldn’t be disturbed. Talk about the kids in other rooms of the house. Let your bedroom be a place that’s your private space, whether you are passionate or not. Because being together, just the two of you, with your other roles left outside the door, is very intimate all by itself.

Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!

Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!

Stay tuned for tomorrow! Parenting and Passion…Not Mutally Exclusive: What to do with the kids?

Tags: adapting, boundaries, child, children, dad, families, Family, follow through, intimacy, kid, kids, limits, mom, parent, parents, passion, passionate, priority, romantic, time
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »

Raising Kids is Like Launching a Space Shuttle

Saturday, August 29th, 2009

Nighttime Space Shuttle Discovery Launch

The midnight sky suddenly lit up like a fire ball; white, billowy smoke was exploding from the horizon and the ocean waves appeared to sparkle like fairy dust. I stared up at the sky as the Space Shuttle Discovery launched into space, the sky so clear that we could actually see the two rocket boosters separate from the rocket and descend toward the sea. I was totally in awe…others were fast asleep in their beds.

Asleep? Uninterested? Inconvenienced? No way! Like me, many of us go through life excited about little things like a bird’s nest, puddles and indulging in chocolate, knowing that the miraculous events such as a space shuttle launch happen less often. Others become so bored and blasé, they say, “Oh, I’ve already seen one,” “Been there, done that,” and are therefore no longer interested in watching another shuttle light up the sky by night, sail into the clouds by day nor experience the delayed rattle and shaking of the earth about a minute or so after the bird takes flight.

Sad, really. These folks are letting life pass them by, sucked into the drudge of autopilot and missing the opportunities to celebrate, be joyful or fulfilled by the daily miracles called their children.

Many parents I have seen in my office fall into a state of autopilot, seeing parenting as another obligation rather than an inspiration. They are so overwhelmed and burdened, that they find themselves angry, inconvenienced and frustrated with their kids more than they revel in the little things…like runny noses wiped on shirt sleeves, a 10-second non-speaking part in the school play, a handful of weeds thrust at them with pride. Or, how about the teens who are ’in love’ and get their hearts broken, grow out of their athletic supporter, or beat up their younger siblings but fiercely defend them when others try to bully.

The Space Shuttle launch had three days of delays, bad weather and malfunctions. Folks at NASA waiting for launch probably felt aggravation, frustration and inconvenience. However, they continued to express a great deal of determination, pride and awe of the magnificence of their creation. Then they literally cheered as Discovery headed upwards.

Like the Space Shuttle, your kids will have malfunctions, delays and stormy days. However, they will also become ready to blast off from the launch pad and follow their own course. I encourage any of you feeling on autopilot to downshift into manual drive. From there you will still become aggravated, frustrated and inconvenienced at times. And yet downshifting will help you slow down enough to really notice and enjoy the multitude of facets during prelaunch…

Knowing that the clock is ticking and the countdown has already begun.

Remember: Kids are gifts…Enjoy their Presence!

Enjoy your kids!

Tags: child, children, Family, kids, love, nasa, parent, Parenting, parents, space shuttle, space shuttle discovery, space shuttle launch, unconditional love
Posted in Communication, Family, Parenting | 2 Comments »

Enjoy your kids while you can!

Monday, August 17th, 2009

My awesome son

Today is my son’s birthday. At 4:05 a.m., Alex turned 23. Wow! How did that happen??? Surely I haven’t aged that much!

It seems like only yesterday that he was a baby! Then, before I knew it he was going off to kindergarten. And, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to high school,” I lamented. His dad laughed at me.

Then, sure enough… the next day he did, in fact, go off to high school. Again, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to college,” I sobbed. Now, his dad wasn’t laughing. And, then, sure enough…off he went. And now he’s in grad school!

It was amazing how different everything was without him. No more running to soccer games and band concerts; no more bake sales and book fairs; no more science fair projects and poster contests. The house was quiet, clothes and towels weren’t strewn around the bathroom, I could see his bedroom floor and there was no need to nag about taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.

Sounds like every mother’s dream? Be careful what you wish for! I was miserable.

As a child psychologist, I work with parents who tend to fall into one of three categories: the ones who can’t wait for the kids to leave home, the ones who never want their kids to leave and the ones who straddle the fence.

Time flies when you’re raising kids. Sure, there are days that you feel like pulling your hair out…and your kid offering to do it for you! And, then there are the times when your heart just bursts with love.

But, we can get too caught up in the daily drudge of homework, baths and discipline. It’s easy to lose the joy of being a parent, spending time with the kids and watching them grow. So…

Yes, you can yell at your daughter for spilling her milk.

You can tell your kids to “shut up” because they get too noisy.

You can resent all the dirty clothes piled on the floor.

You can spend the day giving your son the silent treatment.

Or not!

Bottom line? It all goes away far too soon. So, here’s my advice:

Cherish the little things
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Stop taking yourself so seriously
Laugh with your kids everyday
Pick your ‘no’s”
Have family time on a regular basis
Find ways to enjoy being a parent

So—how about it? Do you pick and choose your battles? Is seeing your little girl with your lipstick all over her face, or your son with his new shoes covered in mud really times to yell and blow your stack? Or are they times to clean up, reprimand and secretly smile to yourself, filing the moment in your memory bank for heart-warming reflection at a later date?

Take it from someone who knows only too well…

It’s the little things that fill your home with the sweet presence of children. And these moments will be gone before you know it. When you won’t have to deal with muddy shoes, ‘borrowed’ lipstick and dirty laundry anymore… will that be a good thing?

So, enjoy your children— they grow up way too soon!

Tags: affection, birthday, child, Child Development, children, college, Discipline, Family, high school, homework, kids, parent, Parenting, parents, praise, self-esteem, unconditional love
Posted in Family | 2 Comments »

Jon & Kate Plus 8 still=DIVORCE

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

The Gosselin family

Over the past few weeks, I have received a number of calls from Life & Style, Star and People magazines all wanting expert advice, mostly about Jon & Kate Gosselin (the famous parents of 8-year-old-twins and 5-year-old sextuplets,) their very public divorce, and how it affects the kids.

Though more public than most, their divorce brings up basic issues not only applying to their kids, but for all kids dealing with their parents’ divorce.

This week, Life & Style called after Kate was interviewed on Today. Her #1 concern…

“The kids think we’re getting back together.” “We’ve had to go over it a few times,” she commented.

Not surprisingly, it will probably take many more repetitions for the kids to understand that their parents are no longer married, and even more time to accept it…especially when they are receiving very confusing messages.

My comments to Life & Style regarding Jon & Kate are no different than the recommendations I would give to any divorcing parent. Here are some issues and my advice:

Jon & Kate told the kids they had split, but Jon pops in and out on a regular basis and still films the show (which still has the same family title.) Kate, however, leaves when he comes; but the kids don’t get it. So have things changed or not?
- Advice: Don’t just talk the talk. If, in fact, parents are no longer together, their behavior needs to reflect that…particularly when the kids are young, and while they are still trying to wrap their minds around it.
Kate still wears her wedding band to ‘avoid upsetting the kids.’ “They know it’s a Mommy’s-married-to-Daddy ring,” she said. How confusing is that?
- Advice: Young kids have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, like divorce. They do much better with concrete, visual examples of the split. If Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore, then take off the ring that symbolizes that!
Implied in the article, but not fully addressed: “Jon’s brazen flaunting of (his) 22-year-old girlfriend.” How are the kids supposed to understand that?!
- Advice: TMI!! This new relationship should not have been made public for the kids to have to deal with while they are still reeling and trying to understand what’s happened to Mommy and Daddy!

Celebs or not, parents are parents and kids are kids…the issues and needs are the same. My advice: Make decisions and act with the kids’ best interest in mind!!

For full article: Life & Style , Aug. 24, 2009

Tags: behavior, child, children, Communication, divorce, emotional, Family, Gosellin, Jon & Kate, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosellin, Kate Gosellin, parent, Parenting, parents, secure, security, unconditional love
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I Feel Like a Broken Record with My Child

Friday, April 10th, 2009

Dear Dr. Vicki,

I have to ask my child 3 or 4 times to do something, at which point, I am angry. For example, my son was playing with his friend’s cell phone in the back of our car. I asked him 3 times to give it back to his friend (knowing the battery was low). By the time he gave it back, the phone was no longer usable as a phone. This is just one example. I feel like a broken record.

Dr. Vicki’s advice:

My advice is to not sound like a broken record and take action before the third or fourth time. The more warnings or requests you make, the angrier you are going to become. Take action sooner in a calm fashion, and your children will take you seriously sooner without your having to yell.

In this instance, I would recommend that after the first request without compliance, that you give him a choice. Either give the phone back, or ____ will be your consequence. If he still doesn’t comply, I would suggest that you stop the car, if need be, and take the phone away.

Then be sure to follow through with whatever consequence you had presented. Also, if he doesn’t comply and he earns the consequence, I like to say something like, “I see you have chosen to __________” (whatever the consequence is.) That will convey that this action brought about the end result.

If you find your anger rising, that is an indication to take action before your anger takes over and you either yell, or handle the situation from an emotional, rather than a rational, calm, take-charge manner.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.

Tags: angry, broken record, calm, cell phone, child, children, consequence, emotional, yell
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | Add a Comment »

Anger Issues with Your Child

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Anger Issues with children

Dear Dr. Vicki,

I have an 11 year old daughter and am trying to help her with “anger management”. So far we have been doing better with talking about it, and (she’s) counting to 10, taking deep breathes, walking away. . . .and I have tried to be calm in responding and then I “ignore” any junk behavior. Then I go on to a “normal” question and she seems to fall back into “normal” getting along. She does not want to be at odds with me. Thanks for any input.

Dr. Vicki’s Response:

It sounds as though you are doing a lot of great interventions to help your daughter get control of her anger. Anger is a tough feeling to express for kids, primarily because they seem to get in trouble a lot for how they express those feelings.

It is wonderful that she does not want to be at odds with you. That’s a great place to start from.

Responding calmly is key. If you become angry and respond in kind, the situation will tend to flare up even more. Encouraging her to come back and talk to you when she calms down is a great strategy. When she does, I suggest that you praise her for using whatever technique she used to calm herself, and let her know that you are more than happy to talk to her now that she is calm.

The strategies you suggested to her are good ones. It is very important that while parents are telling children what they can’t do, they need to help them replace those behaviors with acceptable ones. You might try practicing some of the techniques with her when she is not angry, so they will be better developed for when she needs them.

I also encourage children to come up with their own ways of expressing their anger. At this age, some like to journal or draw (remember it can be angry words and angry pictures), write a letter or e-mail to express themselves (although direct communication is ultimately best), listening to music, cool off in the shower, take a walk, etc. I also like to teach them progressive relaxation, where they learn to tense and relax their bodies and also visual imaging, where a very calming or happy image is conjured up in their mind, allowing that feeling to spread over them.

This would be a technique that you and your daughter could learn to do fairly easily, with some individualized instruction.

Another nice technique is to allow her to walk away to take time to calm herself down. I don’t mean in defiance; I mean with an agreement that she is allowed to do so. I like a signal that either of you can give the other that would indicated ‘time out’–let’s take a break, calm down, and get back together again and talk.

Tags: "time-out", anger, anger issues, anger management, at odds, calm, child, Communication, control, interventions, letter, praise, techniques
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | 3 Comments »

Mommy, I’m Scared

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Every parent has awakened to this lament.

It’s important for parents to realize that a child’s fears are real and shouldn’t be discounted, said Vicki Panaccione, a Melbourne psychologist who works with children.

“For younger children, they are in the room by themselves with nothing to occupy them but their own thoughts, which can be very scary,” Panaccione said. “It’s legitimate and is usually about personal safety, monsters or anxieties about being separated from their parents.”

Fears can occur as young as 8 or 9 months and as old as 9 or 10.

“Waking up in the middle of the night varies with each child, and these periods can also come and go,” Panaccione said. “If the child is sleeping through the night and out of the blue is waking up, it may have to do with something the child is dealing with, like pressures or stresses at school or in families.”

Ultimately, children must disconnect from parents and sleep by themselves so they can develop coping strategies for other lifelong situations.

“They learn that they can be safe and secure without being attached to the parent, and they learn about self-calming,” Panaccione said. “If they don’t learn, it can result in children being anxious. They won’t be able to deal with an uncomfortable feeling in any situation without mom and dad constantly having to calm them and make them feel secure.”

To help ease fears, try nightlights, flashlights, soothing music, the sound of a fan or make promises of reward if the child stays in bed during the night.

These are some suggestions for getting your kids to bed and keeping them there:
1) Try to figure out what is causing the fears and anxieties. Is it a family move or pressures at school? Also, monitor what your children watch on television before bedtime. Scary movies or violent cartoons could prompt sleeplessness.
2) Offer solutions. A nightlight or flashlight kept by the bed can help eliminate fears of the dark. Soothing music will make the quiet seem less creepy. If they fear “monsters,” do a “monster check” before bed to help the child feel safe.
3) Offer incentives or reward (not bribes). The child can work toward these by staying in his bed. Use stickers, movie nights or special treats as incentives.
4) Plan a set bedtime. For children to go to sleep at a regular time, they need a set bedtime every night. This will condition their bodies to be ready for sleep when you put them to bed.
5) Plan a quiet activity. Always avoid over-stimulating your children before they go to sleep. Instead, read a story, sing softly or say a prayer. Save high-energy activities, such as piggyback rides or action-packed games, for earlier in the day.
6) Avoid lengthy daytime naps. Avoid letting children sleep more than an hour or an hour and a half in the afternoon unless they are 5 or under. Children older than 5 usually don’t require more than an hour’s nap. Long naps can prevent children from going to sleep at scheduled bedtimes.

As published in Florida Today.

Tags: anxiety, bed, child, fears, fears of the dark, flashlights, monsters, nightlights, parents, safe, secure, sleep, story
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »