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Posts Tagged ‘children’
Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
 July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Imagine having to have a month to raise awareness of centering attention on the kids when deciding to divorce. That doesn’t mean staying together for the sake of the kids. On the contrary, child-centered divorce is about taking your kids’ needs and emotions into account when making decisions.
To my amazement, many parents in my office have not really talked to their kids about their decision, OR only one parent sits down and tells them “the news.” This not only is an injustice to your kids, but also to the other parent. Since you were a unified family, the break-up of the family also needs to be presented in a unified front. That means setting aside whatever anger, resentment, animosity may be between the two of you. It’s not about you—it’s about your kids. And, whether you like it or not, the two of you are connected forever by these kids—and the need to co-parent is crucial.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT with who wrote the book on child-centered divorce, did a guest blog on this subject on one of my very favorite parenting sites www.parentalwisdom.com. Here are here top tips:
- Put yourselves in your children’s shoes.
- Remind them they are not at fault.
- Reassure them that mom and dad will always be their parents.
- Focus on change, not blame.
- Be confident and consistent.
Being the ‘feeling’ doctor, I have a few tips to add:
- Validate your kids feelings—this really sucks, (to use their vernacular), is unfair, terrible, horrible…
- Allow them to have any feeling that they have—and express it.
- Allow them to love the two of you.
- Be careful not to put them in the middle, nor have to choose sides.
- Remember: Your kids are not weapons to use against each other. They are precious cargo—to be handled with loving care, no matter what circumstances befall you.
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: child-centered divorce, children, divorce, Family, kids, National Child-Centered Divorce Month, parents
Posted in Family, Parenting | 1 Comment »
Monday, July 12th, 2010
Well, it’s summer. Time to pull out my favorite T-shirts, too light for me to wear unless it’s 90+ degrees. And I have quite a collection of shirts emblazoned with some of my favorite expressions. So, I thought I would share them with you. I am sure you will catch on to the main theme.
My #1 T-shirt exclaims, “Make It Happen!” That’s my motto. I believe if we want something, we have the power to make it happen. If we don’t try, it certainly won’t happen. And if we whine and complain, it won’t happen. But if we put in the effort necessary to reach that goal, we can, indeed, make it happen. The Quakers have a wonderful expression: “When you pray, move your felt.” I love it. Even these very religious, simple-lifestyle people recognize the need to take action, and not just sit around waiting for miracles. There is a joke about a very religious man who would go down to the beach every week and pray that his god let him win the lottery. Week after week, he would pray without success. Finally, one day on the beach, he started to pray, and a booming voice came down from the heavens. “Joe,” the voice cried out, “Help me out here—buy a ticket!”
 Too often people just find themselves defeated before they start. Or they really don’t believe in their own abilities. This kind of attitude won’t help reach goals. Which brings me to T-shirt #2: “Attitude is Everything.” And it is. If you have a positive attitude, you are more likely to try to, “Make It Happen.” Because positive thinking moves us forward. Negative thinking holds us back and keeps us stuck. Another version of this expression is, “Attitude is Altitude.” And it is. Because your attitude will determine whether you reach for the stars, sink to the depths of despair, or passively remain unhappy and in place.
I found T-shirt #3 on Broadway, the heart of the theater district in Manhattan. It reads: “Life is not a Dress Rehearsal.” And it’s not. Even if you happen to believe in reincarnation or an afterlife, right now, this life is all you have. And even if you believe you will transcend to another world, you won’t have this one. So, the time is now or never to feel fulfilled in this lifetime. I watch people all day long put their dreams on hold, put off taking a trip, wearing a special dress or spending time with the kids. People are busy. And there’s always later and tomorrow. But not really. Sure, the kids will be there tomorrow. But now they are toddlers, not new-borns; now they are in kindergarten, not pre-school. Now they can tie their shoes and don’t need you to do that anymore. And by the time you make time, they are no longer interested in playing house, going for an ice cream cone or spending time with you at all, for that matter. When you treat life like a dress rehearsal, things get missed: opportunities sacrificed, events not attended or times not had. Your children are only this age once. And unlike a dress rehearsal, you don’t get to do it again, or practice until you get it right.
Finally, I don’t have this shirt, yet. But I’m on the look out. It reads: “Carpe Diem—Seize the Day!” Live life to the fullest, and end the day knowing that you have truly lived. For you, this might mean doing something you’ve been putting off, spending time with the kids, or pampering yourself. It is not for me to define; it’s for you to decide.
At the end of each day, I used to put an ‘X’ on the calendar to signify that day was done, and we were moving onto the next day. But, I now have a new strategy. I decided that instead of ‘X-ing’ out the day, meaning it’s gone, I now put a smiley face, meaning it has been. And I’m happy for all my days. And I urge you to be happy for each day, and to teach that to your children, as well. Because today is all you have today.
So, don’t greet the day as if it was a dress rehearsal. Go out and seize the day, with a positive attitude….and make it happen!
Tags: children, kids, summer, t-shirts
Posted in Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, June 10th, 2010
Kids are from Krypton; Parents are from Pluto radio series update: June 10, 2010: What to do when you hear: “Mom, there’s nothing to do.” School is out—and for the last couple of weeks, we have been focusing on ways to spend time with your kids; last week we discussed lots of fun activities to do—on the cheap. But even all the fun things you mentioned, like going to the zoo, baking cookies, camping out in the living room….after a while, kids will start complaining they’re bored. Or, there’s nothing to do. Then what do you do? You help your kids envision their dreams and help make them a reality with Dream Boards. Dream Boards, or vision boards have been featured on TV shows such as Oprah, Ellen and Larry King Live. What they do is make your ideas into visual images and then send these images to your brain of what you want to create as your reality. You see, the brain doesn’t know the difference between reality and thought. What your kids imagine in their future will help you identify specifically what they want to achieve or become or acquire, and then their dream board will help lead them in that direction. And don’t forget to make one of your own…and a family dream board, too.
Here’s what you do:
- Think of the things you would like to have, accomplish or become.
- Get a piece of poster board and then start going through magazines.
- Have your kids find pictures of the things they would like to see happen in their life. Or your in yours! It could be a picture of a child graduating, a slimmer body, a trip, a new house, whatever your heart desires.
- Want money? Put it on your board.
- Want a sports car? Put it on your board. This is a popular one for teens!
Then, put it where you see it everyday. This helps program your mind into believing the images it is seeing. Now, although pictures are worth a thousand words, of course they are not enough. You need to do some work to make those pictures a reality. But what the Dream Board does is plant the seeds of belief into your brain. Remember, if you believe it, you can achieve it. Children put all kinds of things on their Dream Boards. Some have a paper with an A+ at the top, some have a pet, a new bike, etc. Some have a family that looks happy, And others have musicians playing drums and guitars.
It doesn’t matter what’s on the board.
It just matters that they have dreams, and that they are programming their minds to see it, believe it… Achieve it. So…Help your kids create Dream Boards of their own.
Top 5 Tips of the Week:
1. Encourage your kids to hold onto their dreams
2. Create dream boards to help your kids turn their dreams into reality
3. Make a family dream board; everyone helps to create a family vision
4. Use affirmations to reinforce positive beliefs
5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions
Enjoy Your Kids!
Tags: children, Communication, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, Vision Board
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Monday, May 24th, 2010
How far do you take a history lesson?
I was called by the Delaware News Journal to comment on a story about a history lesson in a Delaware school, that had, perhaps, gone too far. The article, as published in the journal on May 4, 2010 read,
“Eleven-year-old Micaela Reyes’ best friend and four other students were sold into slavery last week during a private-school lesson in Roman history and behavior reinforcement. The exercise was incorporated into a fifth-grade history lesson titled “Rome, Ruler of the Ancient World” at Eagle’s Nest Christian Academy, a school in Milton for pre-kindergarten through eighth grade. The five students who were auctioned off to classmates had low merit points, said Reyes’ mother, Margaret, who called the lesson “demeaning.”
Child psychologist (Dr.) Vicki Panaccione of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla., said teaching history experientially is a good way to explain practices and occurrences of the day. But, she said, singling out low-performing students and using them as slaves only serves to enforce a negative stigma.
“If they volunteered, that would have been one thing,” she said. “But to take the kids at the bottom of the (academic) performance — that’s just like putting a big ‘L’ for loser on their foreheads.”
My comments in the article only begin to voice the concern I had about this exercise. Slavery was abominable, no doubt about it. And, trying to simulate it in a learning experience can be an effective way of teaching. That being said, if the kids auctioned were volunteers, or were chosen by some random criterion (i.e. blue eyes, below a certain height, seated in the first row, etc.) that would be more palatable. But to choose them based on their number of merit points (earned by grades, behavior, etc.) can cause not only embarrassment, but long lasting damage to their self-esteem.
Kids with low grades, lesser capabilities, etc. already are painfully aware of their limitations or how they measure up to their peers. Singling them out to play a demeaning role is just poor judgment. Not only that…school is supposed to be a safe place for children. It shouldn’t be a place to be singled out for potential ridicule, or worse…internal shame. Let’s teach this lesson as it should be: by having everyone take turns, first being the auctioned slaves, and then being their owners. There is something to be learned by the idea of ‘owning’ someone and putting a value on his/her worth, just as much as to experience the degradation of being treatment as an object to be bought.
Click here to read the complete story.
UPDATE: I would like to share with you a comment sent to me from the parents of Michaela Reyes’ mother:
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I personally wanted to thank you for your assessment of the slavery auction on the children at my daughter’s school. She suffered after the article and was singled out for punishment by the teacher, and was then accused of practicing witchcraft because her shirt was untucked. not withstanding, she was the top performing child academically in her entire grade.
She is an amazing child – and I am so proud of her resilience and her performance inspite of all that happened and did not fail to tell her. I also showed her your article to re-enforce she was right.
so thank you again.
Sincerely,
Margaret and Micaela Reyes
Tags: child psychologist, children, kids, Parenting, parents, slavery
Posted in Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, May 14th, 2010
Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto Radio series update May 13: Today’s show focusing on the do’s and don’ts of discipline actually had only one ‘don’t.’ That being: Don’t use don’t! What? We are so conditioned to tell kids what not to do, that we very rarely tell them what they should do.
 For instance, “Don’t Hit,” can be taught the same way by saying, “Keep your hands to yourself.” Another example might be: “Don’t be rude;” in the positive approach you might say: “Please say that with nicer words.” Same lesson, different tone. One tells kids what to move away from, and the other focuses on what to do, which leads them in a positive direction. This way, you tell them what action to take, rather than which path not to take. And, it also teaches kids to focus on their own positives. For instance, they can get 2 wrong on a math test or 8 right. Which do you think builds them up? How you phrase things can build kids up or knock them down.
Top 5 Tips of the Week
- Set positive expectations
- Focus on what your kids are doing right
- Give positive feedback
- Reward the desired behavior
- Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: behavior, children, Discipline, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Kids are from Krypton Parents are from Pluto, reward
Posted in Discipline, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, May 12th, 2010
How was your Mother’s Day? Lovely, I hope. Filled with flowers, hearts and good behavior from the kids? How is your day today? Still full of hearts and flowers…or back to the same old, same old?
Do your days go something like this?:
“Johnny, did you hear me?”
“I hate you!”
“How many times do I have to tell you…?”
“Whatever…”
“Apologize to your sister!”
“I wish I was never born.”
“You did what???”
“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”
“I don’t care.”
“I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall…”
“I’m stupid.”
“Clean your room.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Go to bed!”
“He started it!”
“Just ignore it.”
Sound familiar?
Day after day I see families in my office whose children treat their parents with hostility and defiance. Or with disregard. The lack of respect for authority is rampant. And parents oftentimes feel powerless, and overwhelmed. “What can I do?” is a frequent lament that I hear. Many parents have abdicated their authority, and their children are growing up with disrespect.
And then, once a year, these same children stop and ‘honor’ their mothers. Sure, flowers, breakfast in bed and homemade or store-bought cards and gifts are wonderful. It’s nice to be treated with respect and appreciation.
But once a year is not enough!
Once a year is hypocrisy.
Now don’t get me wrong. I think special days should be celebrated. Like birthdays, anniversaries, life cycle events. They deserve some extra celebration. However, it is not enough to honor, show appreciation and respect just once a year. These are life lessons that need to be taught to our children, and modeled and practiced on a regular basis. The year should be full of acts of kindness, celebrations of our children and parents, appreciation for one another and cooperation and partnership within the family.
Tags: children, Family, flowers, kids, Mother's Day, Parenting, parents
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Monday, April 5th, 2010
You have probably heard this old Mother Goose rhyme:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.
Here’s a kinder, gentler alternative of “Old Woman In A Shoe” from Jordan Riak:
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe.
She was a kindhearted mom
 Who knew exactly what to do.
She raised all her children
With patience and love.
Never once did she give them
A spank, shake or shove.
Her children all learned
To be gentle toward others,
And good parents too
When they became fathers and mothers.
From their days in the shoe
They learned this about living:
Kindness, not force,
Is the gift that keeps giving.
To spank or not to spank is an age-old debate. As a child psychologist, I am not an advocate of spanking. I think there are far more effective ways for parents to discipline, set a good example and maintain a greater bond with their children. And, the ultimate effects of spanking can be dangerous to your kids’ health, wealth, IQ, relationships and most importantly, your relationship with them. Here’s the goal: Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.
You can also check out Project NoSpank for more information and discussions.
More on my next blog and on heartbeatradiousa.com Thursday at 1:30 EDT. Feel free to send any questions or comments you have to: michelle@heartbeatradiousa.com Hope to ‘see’ you on the call.
Tags: children, Discipline, health, kids, Parenting, relationships, spanking
Posted in Child Development, Discipline, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, March 18th, 2010
Radio show update: Today we wrapped up the communication topic on my radio series, discussing some of the times, places and methods of talking with your kids. Dinner time as a family can be a wonderful time for everyone to share about their day, or anything else they might want to talk about. It can be a time to get to know some things about them that you usually don’t take the time to discuss. On the other hand, it is NOT time to grill them, chastise them or bark orders.
Here is some advice of how to make dinner time the focus of your attention: Turn off the TV, and all other electronic distractions; don’t answer any phones; ban cell phones, etc. from the table; have everyone seated at the table—no one gets to take a plate into their own room or sit in front of the TV or computer. Give each child (and parent, too) their own opportunity to speak; the others need to wait their turn. Make family time truly family time.
Top 5 Tips of the Week:
- Any place can create an opportunity to talk with your kids.
- Make it fun—not every conversation has to be serious or teaching a lesson.
- Find out something new about each of your kids everyday.
- Use your power of observation to respond to your kids’ reactions, in order to keep the conversation going.
- Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.
Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!
Tags: children, Communication, conversation, Family, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Parenting, parents
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 12th, 2010
Radio series update: What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask! This week, we explored conversations you don’t need to have with your kids! Think about this: When’s the last time you had a conversation with your kids? I don’t mean, “How was school?” or “What do you have for homework?” or “Did you clean your room, brush your teeth?” I mean an honest to goodness conversation about some random topic. A chance to talk, explore and get a glimpse of how your child thinks. For most parents, the answer to the question is a resounding… “I don’t have a clue.”
And here’s an interesting observation:
- There are lots of people, books and TV shows telling parents what they SHOULD talk to their kids about: sex, drugs, drinking and driving, etc.
- There are other sources that will suggest conversations you SHOULD have from a faith-based point of view.
- And then there are the conversations I encourage you to have. They are about nothing and everything.
 In fact, you could spend your whole life NEVER having any of these conversations with your kids—and you’ll never miss them…EXCEPT—you will. What you’d miss are the opportunities to get to know your kids…one conversation at a time—by finding out about what they think, how they feel…about their opinions, ideas, and dreams. My book, What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask has 101 conversation topics you can have with your family. Each page has a topic question and then blank spaces for you to later jot down sweet tidbits to capture for a lifetime. The book is Priceless…because no one else can write your commentary. Only you will have this one-of-a-kind journal for a lifetime. Or to pass along to your kids when they become parents… Here are just a few examples:
- If you could change the world, what would you do?
- What super power would you like to have? What would you do with it?
- Do you think there are such things as flying saucers/aliens? What if you saw one?
- If you could invent something, what would it be?
- What’s your favorite movie? Hero? Villain? If you could jump into the movie who would you be and what would you do?
- What do you like about yourself? Don’t like? What would you like to change?
- What are you good at? Not so good at? What would you like to be good at?
These are the kind of conversations you can have around the dinner table—with parent participation, please—or in the car, during bath or bedtime, etc. These are the kinds of things that we rarely stop and explore with our children. (You might try to guess ahead of time, and see if you are right!)
And, I bet you’ll be surprised at some of the responses.
Enjoy your kids!
Want more ideas? Check out my parent guide: What Kids Would Tell You…If Only You’d Ask! http://www.betterparentinginstitute.com
And please feel free to send me some of your own and your kids’ ideas.
Tags: children, conversation, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Parenting, parents, radio show, WRHB
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 5th, 2010
Update from heartbeatradiousa.com: The comments are streaming in—parents love this new show! Today we talked about ways to listen—in order to keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids.
Here’s a brief summary:
There are many times that we hear the words, but don’t listen to the meaning. Or we attend to words, but not body language, tone and what isn’t being said. Communication involves the ability to pay attention to what your kids think and feel. It means not to talk, but to listen. When kids feel that you listen, they will talk to you. If they feel that you listen to the little things, then they are more likely to bring bigger issues to you as they arise. Listening builds trust. When you listen, you are telling your kids that what they have to say is important to you.
Top 5 Tips for the Week:
- Give your kids your undivided attention.
- Listen without interruption or judgment.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Thank them for sharing.
- Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.
Tags: children, Communication, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Kids Are From Krypton, listen, listening, parents, Parents Are From Pluto
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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