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Posts Tagged ‘divorce’
Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
 July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Imagine having to have a month to raise awareness of centering attention on the kids when deciding to divorce. That doesn’t mean staying together for the sake of the kids. On the contrary, child-centered divorce is about taking your kids’ needs and emotions into account when making decisions.
To my amazement, many parents in my office have not really talked to their kids about their decision, OR only one parent sits down and tells them “the news.” This not only is an injustice to your kids, but also to the other parent. Since you were a unified family, the break-up of the family also needs to be presented in a unified front. That means setting aside whatever anger, resentment, animosity may be between the two of you. It’s not about you—it’s about your kids. And, whether you like it or not, the two of you are connected forever by these kids—and the need to co-parent is crucial.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT with who wrote the book on child-centered divorce, did a guest blog on this subject on one of my very favorite parenting sites www.parentalwisdom.com. Here are here top tips:
- Put yourselves in your children’s shoes.
- Remind them they are not at fault.
- Reassure them that mom and dad will always be their parents.
- Focus on change, not blame.
- Be confident and consistent.
Being the ‘feeling’ doctor, I have a few tips to add:
- Validate your kids feelings—this really sucks, (to use their vernacular), is unfair, terrible, horrible…
- Allow them to have any feeling that they have—and express it.
- Allow them to love the two of you.
- Be careful not to put them in the middle, nor have to choose sides.
- Remember: Your kids are not weapons to use against each other. They are precious cargo—to be handled with loving care, no matter what circumstances befall you.
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: child-centered divorce, children, divorce, Family, kids, National Child-Centered Divorce Month, parents
Posted in Family, Parenting | 1 Comment »
Saturday, August 15th, 2009
 The Gosselin family
Over the past few weeks, I have received a number of calls from Life & Style, Star and People magazines all wanting expert advice, mostly about Jon & Kate Gosselin (the famous parents of 8-year-old-twins and 5-year-old sextuplets,) their very public divorce, and how it affects the kids.
Though more public than most, their divorce brings up basic issues not only applying to their kids, but for all kids dealing with their parents’ divorce.
This week, Life & Style called after Kate was interviewed on Today. Her #1 concern…
“The kids think we’re getting back together.” “We’ve had to go over it a few times,” she commented.
Not surprisingly, it will probably take many more repetitions for the kids to understand that their parents are no longer married, and even more time to accept it…especially when they are receiving very confusing messages.
My comments to Life & Style regarding Jon & Kate are no different than the recommendations I would give to any divorcing parent. Here are some issues and my advice:
- Jon & Kate told the kids they had split, but Jon pops in and out on a regular basis and still films the show (which still has the same family title.) Kate, however, leaves when he comes; but the kids don’t get it. So have things changed or not?
- Advice: Don’t just talk the talk. If, in fact, parents are no longer together, their behavior needs to reflect that…particularly when the kids are young, and while they are still trying to wrap their minds around it.
- Kate still wears her wedding band to ‘avoid upsetting the kids.’ “They know it’s a Mommy’s-married-to-Daddy ring,” she said. How confusing is that?
- Advice: Young kids have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, like divorce. They do much better with concrete, visual examples of the split. If Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore, then take off the ring that symbolizes that!
- Implied in the article, but not fully addressed: “Jon’s brazen flaunting of (his) 22-year-old girlfriend.” How are the kids supposed to understand that?!
- Advice: TMI!! This new relationship should not have been made public for the kids to have to deal with while they are still reeling and trying to understand what’s happened to Mommy and Daddy!
Celebs or not, parents are parents and kids are kids…the issues and needs are the same. My advice: Make decisions and act with the kids’ best interest in mind!!
For full article: Life & Style , Aug. 24, 2009
Tags: behavior, child, children, Communication, divorce, emotional, Family, Gosellin, Jon & Kate, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosellin, Kate Gosellin, parent, Parenting, parents, secure, security, unconditional love
Posted in Family | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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