What do you think of when you hear the word discipline? If you are like most parents, the word conjures up ideas of correction and punishment.
However, that is only one part of the equation!
Actually, the purpose of discipline is to teach. And the lessons taught vary with the ages of your children. With young children, discipline focuses on protecting them against external dangers and their own impulses. As they get older, discipline serves more and more to promote development as an individual and as a social being.
Top 10 Tips for Effective Discipline
- Set realistic expectations. Setting realistic expectations is a crucial part of discipline. In order to assure that expectations can reasonably be met, many factors need to be considered, such as: age, personality, temperament, strengths and weaknesses. When children meet expectations set out for them, it helps develop self-confidence and positive self-esteem.
- Clearly define limits. Children need structure and boundaries. That provides security and trust. On the other hand, they will still push the limits to see how far they can push, and to make sure they won’t be able to get out of control. Limits need to be clearly identified, and adhered to. And as your children get older, the limits will need to be re-evaluated.
- Set a good example. Your children learn by example. The way they learn to conduct themselves, is the way they see you conducting yourself.
- Hold your children accountable. When your children misbehave, they need to face the consequences of their actions. They need to clearly understand what they did wrong, and why the behavior is unacceptable.
- Use reasonable consequences. When establishing consequences, just like expectations, it is important to take into account the offense and age of your child. Consequences are most effective if given as close to the misbehavior as possible (particularly for younger children.) And, like the saying goes, “Make sure the punishment fits the crime.”
- Follow through. Basically, don’t say it if you aren’t going to actually do it. Threats, ‘giving in’ and failure to implement a stated consequence undermine your authority. Lack of follow through teaches children that you don’t mean what you say, and they don’t have to take you seriously.
- Be consistent. There is comfort in knowing what to expect. Inconsistency regarding behavioral requirements, and subsequent responses, confuse children, and leaving them feeling unsettled. Consistently having rules in place and consistently addressing misbehavior will provide your children with a crucial sense of security and predictability.
- Reward desirable behaviors. Praise and recognition can go a long way in helping develop self-control, because it reinforces the desirable behaviors. If you don’t acknowledge the good as well as the bad, then your parenting style is lop-sided and your children are taught self-control through punishment only. However, if you intervene when needed, and praise when you aren’t, then you are helping your children develop from a balanced approach.
- Use humor, flexibility and creativity. If you find you are ‘banging your head against the wall,’ it means that whatever you are doing isn’t working. It means it’s time to try something new. Being flexible and creative in parenting your children is extremely important. The lessons taught are the same, only the techniques may need to change.
- Pick and choose your battles. Children are far from perfect. And if you wanted to, you could probably find yourself disciplining all day long. It is necessary to address the behaviors of major importance, but try to ignore some of the little things. Remember that the corollary to, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” is that, “Most things in life are small stuff!”
- OOPS! One more—which goes along with any parenting tip:
- Love unconditionally. Your children need to know you love them…no matter what! Particularly in times of discipline and expressions of disapproval.
BONUS: TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD
- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I GET ANGRY.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I GET SAD.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I AM DISAPPOINTED.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU GET A BAD GRADE.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MISBEHAVE.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T LISTEN.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU WORRY ME TO DEATH.
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Posts Tagged ‘expectations’
Discipline
Friday, March 27th, 2009You Are A Wonderful Gift to Those Around You
Friday, March 27th, 2009Particularly your children.
However, you are probably the last to know! When’s the last time you patted yourself on the back? How often do you feel good about what you do? At the end of the day, are you glad to be a parent?
Top Ten Things You Are Doing Right
- You try to set a good example for your children. Children learn by example. So, how you live your life, is the way they will learn to live theirs. When you take care of yourself, act responsibly, follow the rules, show affection, and be honest and trustworthy (and a million other things you do each day), your children are learning how to conduct themselves.
- You teach morals and values. In your desire for your children to grow up to be responsible, caring, loving, trustworthy, moral adults, you teach them right from wrong, and hold them accountable for their own actions.
- You foster independence. Children need to gradually take over more and more responsibility for themselves; and you, in turn, are gradually backing away more and more. If you do your job well, you will actually work your way out of a job! That would mean you have raised your children to be independent adults. Then you will have been truly successful.
- You discipline constructively. Discipline is actually defined as, “training that develops self-control.” So, you hold your children accountable for their actions, teaching standards of behavior. When difficulty with self-control arises, you step in and provide appropriate consequences for the infractions.
- You set realistic expectations. It’s a balancing act when encouraging them to do their best, while being sensitive to their limitations. You reevaluate your expectations as they mature and develop greater abilities.
- You value education. Showing an interest in what your children are learning, and how well they are doing, conveys a sense of importance about learning. Maintaining contact with the school also shows interest and active involvement in the goings-on of your children’s academic lives.
- You spend time together. Whether it’s eating dinner, reading a bedtime story, watching a movie, playing a game, cooking, folding laundry, shopping or going on an outing, working and playing together builds a sense of belonging, community and connectedness. Being there for your children provides security and trust.
- You express support. Your children need to know that you are proud of them. You praise their efforts and applaud their accomplishments. You beam with pride at their school plays, concerts, ball games and spelling bees. You show your children your support by being their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- You show affection. Hug, kiss and cuddle your children for as long as they will allow. And when they get too old for ‘mushy’ stuff, you look for other ways to stay connected, such as a gentle touch, a squeeze of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, etc.
- And most importantly, you love your children unconditionally. This affirms your children and shows them they are valued and will always be loved. no matter what! Loving gives them a sense of security and a strong foundation that they can depend upon as they venture out into the world.
- And at the end of each day, I encourage you to stop and think about not went wrong or what you didn’t get done. Instead, think about what you did right—and pat yourself on the back!
