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Posts Tagged ‘Family’
Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
 July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Imagine having to have a month to raise awareness of centering attention on the kids when deciding to divorce. That doesn’t mean staying together for the sake of the kids. On the contrary, child-centered divorce is about taking your kids’ needs and emotions into account when making decisions.
To my amazement, many parents in my office have not really talked to their kids about their decision, OR only one parent sits down and tells them “the news.” This not only is an injustice to your kids, but also to the other parent. Since you were a unified family, the break-up of the family also needs to be presented in a unified front. That means setting aside whatever anger, resentment, animosity may be between the two of you. It’s not about you—it’s about your kids. And, whether you like it or not, the two of you are connected forever by these kids—and the need to co-parent is crucial.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT with who wrote the book on child-centered divorce, did a guest blog on this subject on one of my very favorite parenting sites www.parentalwisdom.com. Here are here top tips:
- Put yourselves in your children’s shoes.
- Remind them they are not at fault.
- Reassure them that mom and dad will always be their parents.
- Focus on change, not blame.
- Be confident and consistent.
Being the ‘feeling’ doctor, I have a few tips to add:
- Validate your kids feelings—this really sucks, (to use their vernacular), is unfair, terrible, horrible…
- Allow them to have any feeling that they have—and express it.
- Allow them to love the two of you.
- Be careful not to put them in the middle, nor have to choose sides.
- Remember: Your kids are not weapons to use against each other. They are precious cargo—to be handled with loving care, no matter what circumstances befall you.
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: child-centered divorce, children, divorce, Family, kids, National Child-Centered Divorce Month, parents
Posted in Family, Parenting | 1 Comment »
Monday, June 7th, 2010
“Kids Across/Parents Down” is the #1 family crossword in newspaper syndication. Created by Jan Buckner Walker, the puzzle–with down clues geared to parents and across clues geared to kids–encourages families to have fun together. It’s an entertaining, educational puzzle for kids ages 5-13. Kids Across/Parents Down gets parents actively involved and draws young people into the newspaper. Please go check out the creator’s website!
This gets a big thumbs up from me!
Tags: crossword, educational, Family, Jan Buckner Walker, kids, parents, puzzles
Posted in Education, Family | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, May 12th, 2010
How was your Mother’s Day? Lovely, I hope. Filled with flowers, hearts and good behavior from the kids? How is your day today? Still full of hearts and flowers…or back to the same old, same old?
Do your days go something like this?:
“Johnny, did you hear me?”
“I hate you!”
“How many times do I have to tell you…?”
“Whatever…”
“Apologize to your sister!”
“I wish I was never born.”
“You did what???”
“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”
“I don’t care.”
“I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall…”
“I’m stupid.”
“Clean your room.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Go to bed!”
“He started it!”
“Just ignore it.”
Sound familiar?
Day after day I see families in my office whose children treat their parents with hostility and defiance. Or with disregard. The lack of respect for authority is rampant. And parents oftentimes feel powerless, and overwhelmed. “What can I do?” is a frequent lament that I hear. Many parents have abdicated their authority, and their children are growing up with disrespect.
And then, once a year, these same children stop and ‘honor’ their mothers. Sure, flowers, breakfast in bed and homemade or store-bought cards and gifts are wonderful. It’s nice to be treated with respect and appreciation.
But once a year is not enough!
Once a year is hypocrisy.
Now don’t get me wrong. I think special days should be celebrated. Like birthdays, anniversaries, life cycle events. They deserve some extra celebration. However, it is not enough to honor, show appreciation and respect just once a year. These are life lessons that need to be taught to our children, and modeled and practiced on a regular basis. The year should be full of acts of kindness, celebrations of our children and parents, appreciation for one another and cooperation and partnership within the family.
Tags: children, Family, flowers, kids, Mother's Day, Parenting, parents
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Thursday, March 18th, 2010
 Radio show update: Today we wrapped up the communication topic on my radio series, discussing some of the times, places and methods of talking with your kids. Dinner time as a family can be a wonderful time for everyone to share about their day, or anything else they might want to talk about. It can be a time to get to know some things about them that you usually don’t take the time to discuss. On the other hand, it is NOT time to grill them, chastise them or bark orders.
Here is some advice of how to make dinner time the focus of your attention: Turn off the TV, and all other electronic distractions; don’t answer any phones; ban cell phones, etc. from the table; have everyone seated at the table—no one gets to take a plate into their own room or sit in front of the TV or computer. Give each child (and parent, too) their own opportunity to speak; the others need to wait their turn. Make family time truly family time.
Top 5 Tips of the Week:
- Any place can create an opportunity to talk with your kids.
- Make it fun—not every conversation has to be serious or teaching a lesson.
- Find out something new about each of your kids everyday.
- Use your power of observation to respond to your kids’ reactions, in order to keep the conversation going.
- Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.
Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!
Tags: children, Communication, conversation, Family, http://www.heartbeatradiousa.com, kids, Parenting, parents
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Monday, February 15th, 2010
The other day, in her Spirit newsletter, Oprah asked women: “Are You Second-String in Your Own Life?” The accompanying article addressing this topic was written by Caroline Myss discussing the way women sabotage themselves in their love relationships.
Well, I am here to tell you that I watch women sabotage themselves every day in their relationship with their kids and their mates. They are so busy taking care of others, that they neglect their own needs, allow themselves to be treated like doormats and give away their authority. Well…
When you forget to treat yourself as special and important, then it’s easy for other family members to forget, as well. If, in fact, you want your kids to treat you with respect and hold you in high esteem…then you have to treat yourself that way!!!
Taking care of yourself is crucial for a variety of reasons.
- First and foremost, it sends a clear message that you are important. That you are not simply someone who takes care of others, but someone who also takes care of herself.
- Secondly, taking care of yourself sets the example for your children to eat well, exercise, get enough rest, take care of their appearance, etc. This is the model from which your children will learn.
- And finally, taking care of yourself helps you refuel. If you do not take care of yourself, there is the very real risk of running out of fuel. Running on empty leads to impatience, sickness, and totally depletion. The more you take care of yourself, the more energy, patience and joy you will have available to take care of your children and enjoy being a parent.
Top 5 things you can do for yourself:
- Treat yourself well. What makes your heart sing? Get a manicure, pedicure, facial, hair cut or massage. Or, better yet, spend the day at a spa getting the works! And, please—if you have medical concerns, see a doctor (one for grown-ups; not the kind who gives out lollipops or stickers if you’re good.)
- Sign up for some activity of interest. How about a class you’ve been wanting to take?: exercise, yoga, watercolors, photography, pottery (or do what Demi Moore did—bring the wheel home and use your imagination!)
- Make a date to meet a friend for lunch—once a week.
- Buy yourself something you don’t really need. Fresh cut flowers, a great smelling candle, a new outfit, a bubble bath set (like you buy for gifts, but never for yourself)… and then use it!
- Make yourself a promise to stop at the end of each day and think of what you did right, and what you enjoy about being a parent. Because, after all…the better you do, the better they become.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy yourself!
Tags: Carloline Myss, childredn, energy, exercise, Family, kids, Oprah, parent, parents, sabotage, taking care of yourself
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
Making time for each other
You plan everything else in your day—when to get up, take the kids to school, doctor’s appt, hair appt (what’s that?), grocery shopping, cooking, homework time, nap time, sports practices…. Are these all important? You bet!
You also plan family fun activities, like going to the zoo, the park, a movie, play dates, trips, etc. Are these all important? You bet!
But what’s missing??? Actually, two things…time for yourself and time for your mate. Taking care of yourself is extremely important, and will need to be the topic of another blog. For right now, I would like to make suggestions about what you can do with the kids in order to have couple time. “Easier said than done,” you might say. And, you are probably right! Easier to get divorced than remain in a loving relationship? Probably not.
What to do with the kids in order to have couple time:
- Take advantage of nap times.
- Come home for lunch when the kids are in school.
- Send the kids to a night at their grandparents, loving aunt and uncle or distant cousin.
- Swap sitter nights with your friend. You watch their kids one night, they yours another.
- Hire a babysitter to take the kids to the park on the weekend.
- Let your kids spend a night with their friends.
- Shower together.
- Go to bed when the kids do—yes, that might mean leaving the chores go until morning. Either way, you are going to be one of the dwarves in the morning: Happy or Grumpy. You choose…or, better yet, let your family choose.
- Pre-make several dinners on the weekend and freeze; or, when you make dinner, double or triple the recipe so you can have another dinner or two ready for another night. Not having to cook every night will be less tiring, and probably less frustrating.
- Go to bed ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news is over.
- Get up ½ hour earlier—yes, before the news comes on.
- Turn off the TV or better yet, take it out of your bedroom.
- Put on Saturday morning cartoons. Actually, kids will just do that themselves, if you don’t mind cereal on the rug. Have acceptable edibles put out for them.
- Have a video and popcorn night for the kids.
- Go out on a date on a regular basis. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t let them call you.
- Schedule Sunday afternoon as quiet time, where everyone goes to their rooms for an hour to nap, read, play by themselves.
- Spend a night in a great hotel and order room service.
- Take a long weekend together one or two times a year to rediscover each other and leave the parenting responsibilities and intrusions at home.
- Take a family vacation that has sitter service—and use it!
- Put your kids in childcare at church, gym, etc. and then play hooky and run home for a little while. It’s drastic, I know. However, as long as the kids are looked after…
- Take advantage of mom’s/parent’s day/night out at some of the religious institutions.
- Get your kids out of your bed. Generally, if your kids are sleeping with you, they are serving a purpose…to be a buffer for you to avoid being intimate. How’s that working for your marriage? What message does that give your kids?
- Sleep alone if your spouse is away. Do NOT have the kids sleep in your bed when daddy or mommy has to travel. This sets up a terrible precedent, and can actually lead the kids to believe that it’s better to have their parent gone, because then they get to be with the other.
- Call each other by your first names, or rather some nickname or pet name. If you call each other Mommy and Daddy, there isn’t much room for other identities. Terms of endearment are special and actually give your kids that feeling of security and happiness.
- Show affection in front of your kids. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, arms around each other are all great examples for your kids of what a loving relationship is like.
- Sit next to each other. If you continually sit on opposite ends of the couch, or with the kids in between you, the message is clearly one of separation.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!
Happy Valentine’s Day…all year long!
Tags: activities, affection, babysitter, bed, child, children, daddy, date, families, Family, grandparents, holding hands, hugging, intimacy, intimate, kid, kids, kissing, love, mommy, parent, Parenting, passion, passionate, privacy, school, sleep, vacation, valentine
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Saturday, February 13th, 2010
 The best thing you can do for your kids is to love each other. Yesterday’s Valentine’s message encouraged you to put passion and intimacy back in your marriage. When you can enjoy each other and feel good about yourselves, you will then feel more positive about the other roles that you also have to fill. The most important role? Parent!
Believe it or not, being parents and being passionate are not mutually exclusive! They may just take a little more effort to work both the role of the loving parent and the loving partner into your life on a regular basis.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
First of all, a passionate night together can’t always be spontaneous anymore. What was wonderful without kids may not be as available to you anymore. So, lack of spontaneity does not mean passion and intimacy have to be passé.
Secondly, planning a night of passion can be exciting. Planning doesn’t have to feel routine and unromantic. On the contrary…There can be anticipation. This can provide strong motivation to take care of all the household chores so that you can enjoy the end pay-off.
However, things don’t always go as planned. Kids will be terribly inconsiderate and get sick, have a bad dream or suddenly remember an unfinished project that’s due the next day.
So, adapting is important. Adapting and regrouping…not giving up altogether.
Share the load with the whole family. Let everyone pitch in to get the essential nightly chores completed.
Set time for each other as a priority. There’s always a tremendous amount of things to do before you probably consider everything ‘done’ for the night. Sometimes the dishes need to be left in the sink, the laundry left unfolded, the toys not put where they go until morning.
Teach boundaries. Set limits before you explode. There’s a time to say, “Enough!” “That’s it…you’re in bed for the night.” “Don’t come out again or there will be consequences.” “Stay in your room and there will be a reward in the morning.” And then, most importantly…follow through!
Here are two key ingredients to setting those boundaries:
KNOCK: Teach your kids privacy from a very early age. A closed door should mean, “Do not come in without knocking and getting permission to enter.” If this is simply another rule in your house, like turning off lights or washing your hands, then it will become ingrained and just taken for granted. Teach your kids to knock. Model that and show them the same courtesy. If you don’t want to have to knock, then keep their doors open. Respecting a closed door will give you more privacy and help prevent kids walking in at inopportune times. Locking your door is also permissible to teach kids to knock.
HAVEN: Make your bedroom a haven for you and your spouse. Leave all the kids toys, bottles, school papers, whatever, outside the door. That actually goes for paperwork and cell phones for business. When you shut your door at work, it means you are in a meeting and basically shouldn’t be disturbed. So it can be at home. When you shut your bedroom door, you are having private time with your mate and basically shouldn’t be disturbed. Talk about the kids in other rooms of the house. Let your bedroom be a place that’s your private space, whether you are passionate or not. Because being together, just the two of you, with your other roles left outside the door, is very intimate all by itself.
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other!
Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!
Stay tuned for tomorrow! Parenting and Passion…Not Mutally Exclusive: What to do with the kids?
Tags: adapting, boundaries, child, children, dad, families, Family, follow through, intimacy, kid, kids, limits, mom, parent, parents, passion, passionate, priority, romantic, time
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, February 12th, 2010
 - Your kids learn how to love by watching you love each other
Valentine’s Day is upon us—the one day a year we are supposed to profess our love for our mate. One day a year? What are the other 364 days for? Well, I’ll tell you what they are for…
Lots of affection, intimacy and passion!
So, why is a child psychologist giving marital advice? Because over the past 25 years, I have worked with 100’s and 100’s of children and families. And here’s what I know…
Parents who take care of their marriage, tend to take better care of their families.
Here’s why:
The marital relationship is sacred. It is the foundation of the family, the roots of the family tree, if you will. The healthier the roots, the stronger the tree and the sweeter the fruit. In other words, taking care of your relationship provides a loving basis for raising your kids. It seems that many families have children and end up focusing all their attention on the fruit that they bear. But without attention and nurturing of the roots, the tree becomes weaker and the fruits can turn to mush.
Kids learn from example. They watch you like a hawk. And, no…I am not suggesting that passion and intimacy become a spectator sport. However, when you and your partner maintain a loving, passionate relationship, you like each other more. Let’s face it—it’s much more enjoyable to be with each other with your kids, when you love the intimacy you have when you are alone.
Here’s what your kids learn: How you treat your wife is the example they learn of how a man treats a woman. Conversely, how you treat your husband is a direct lesson of how a woman treats a man. If you want your kids to have loving relationships, then you need to set the example. It’s OK to show affection in front of them. In fact, it’s a wonderful model for them, giving them permission to be affectionate with their future mate. It also can be very comforting to kids to see their parents having a warm, close relationship. It provides a sense of security for them, as they learn that affection is related to togetherness and commitment.
Furthermore, when the passion is alive in the bedroom, the sense of closeness and oneness is carried throughout your relationship and the many roles you need to play. Liking each other and enjoying each other also helps you support each other when parenting. It is much easier to get on the same page with someone you like standing next to…and forming a strong united front is key in discipline, communication and teaching values. When your passion ignites at night, your parenting will shine all day!
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other.
Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!
Tags: affection, affectionate, children, commitmentdiscipline, families, Family, happy child, husband, intimacy, kids, love, loving, man, parent, Parenting, parents, partner, passion, relationship, security, unconditional love, valentine, values, wife, woman
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Saturday, August 29th, 2009
 Nighttime Space Shuttle Discovery Launch The midnight sky suddenly lit up like a fire ball; white, billowy smoke was exploding from the horizon and the ocean waves appeared to sparkle like fairy dust. I stared up at the sky as the Space Shuttle Discovery launched into space, the sky so clear that we could actually see the two rocket boosters separate from the rocket and descend toward the sea. I was totally in awe…others were fast asleep in their beds.
Asleep? Uninterested? Inconvenienced? No way! Like me, many of us go through life excited about little things like a bird’s nest, puddles and indulging in chocolate, knowing that the miraculous events such as a space shuttle launch happen less often. Others become so bored and blasé, they say, “Oh, I’ve already seen one,” “Been there, done that,” and are therefore no longer interested in watching another shuttle light up the sky by night, sail into the clouds by day nor experience the delayed rattle and shaking of the earth about a minute or so after the bird takes flight.
Sad, really. These folks are letting life pass them by, sucked into the drudge of autopilot and missing the opportunities to celebrate, be joyful or fulfilled by the daily miracles called their children.
Many parents I have seen in my office fall into a state of autopilot, seeing parenting as another obligation rather than an inspiration. They are so overwhelmed and burdened, that they find themselves angry, inconvenienced and frustrated with their kids more than they revel in the little things…like runny noses wiped on shirt sleeves, a 10-second non-speaking part in the school play, a handful of weeds thrust at them with pride. Or, how about the teens who are ’in love’ and get their hearts broken, grow out of their athletic supporter, or beat up their younger siblings but fiercely defend them when others try to bully.
The Space Shuttle launch had three days of delays, bad weather and malfunctions. Folks at NASA waiting for launch probably felt aggravation, frustration and inconvenience. However, they continued to express a great deal of determination, pride and awe of the magnificence of their creation. Then they literally cheered as Discovery headed upwards.
Like the Space Shuttle, your kids will have malfunctions, delays and stormy days. However, they will also become ready to blast off from the launch pad and follow their own course. I encourage any of you feeling on autopilot to downshift into manual drive. From there you will still become aggravated, frustrated and inconvenienced at times. And yet downshifting will help you slow down enough to really notice and enjoy the multitude of facets during prelaunch…
Knowing that the clock is ticking and the countdown has already begun.
Remember: Kids are gifts…Enjoy their Presence!
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: child, children, Family, kids, love, nasa, parent, Parenting, parents, space shuttle, space shuttle discovery, space shuttle launch, unconditional love
Posted in Communication, Family, Parenting | 2 Comments »
Monday, August 17th, 2009
 My awesome son Today is my son’s birthday. At 4:05 a.m., Alex turned 23. Wow! How did that happen??? Surely I haven’t aged that much!
It seems like only yesterday that he was a baby! Then, before I knew it he was going off to kindergarten. And, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to high school,” I lamented. His dad laughed at me.
Then, sure enough… the next day he did, in fact, go off to high school. Again, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to college,” I sobbed. Now, his dad wasn’t laughing. And, then, sure enough…off he went. And now he’s in grad school!
It was amazing how different everything was without him. No more running to soccer games and band concerts; no more bake sales and book fairs; no more science fair projects and poster contests. The house was quiet, clothes and towels weren’t strewn around the bathroom, I could see his bedroom floor and there was no need to nag about taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.
Sounds like every mother’s dream? Be careful what you wish for! I was miserable.
As a child psychologist, I work with parents who tend to fall into one of three categories: the ones who can’t wait for the kids to leave home, the ones who never want their kids to leave and the ones who straddle the fence.
Time flies when you’re raising kids. Sure, there are days that you feel like pulling your hair out…and your kid offering to do it for you! And, then there are the times when your heart just bursts with love.
But, we can get too caught up in the daily drudge of homework, baths and discipline. It’s easy to lose the joy of being a parent, spending time with the kids and watching them grow. So…
Yes, you can yell at your daughter for spilling her milk.
You can tell your kids to “shut up” because they get too noisy.
You can resent all the dirty clothes piled on the floor.
You can spend the day giving your son the silent treatment.
Or not!
Bottom line? It all goes away far too soon. So, here’s my advice:
- Cherish the little things
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Stop taking yourself so seriously
- Laugh with your kids everyday
- Pick your ‘no’s”
- Have family time on a regular basis
- Find ways to enjoy being a parent
So—how about it? Do you pick and choose your battles? Is seeing your little girl with your lipstick all over her face, or your son with his new shoes covered in mud really times to yell and blow your stack? Or are they times to clean up, reprimand and secretly smile to yourself, filing the moment in your memory bank for heart-warming reflection at a later date?
Take it from someone who knows only too well…
It’s the little things that fill your home with the sweet presence of children. And these moments will be gone before you know it. When you won’t have to deal with muddy shoes, ‘borrowed’ lipstick and dirty laundry anymore… will that be a good thing?
So, enjoy your children— they grow up way too soon!
Tags: affection, birthday, child, Child Development, children, college, Discipline, Family, high school, homework, kids, parent, Parenting, parents, praise, self-esteem, unconditional love
Posted in Family | 2 Comments »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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