Children’s desires to belong, be accepted, even popular, can make them susceptible to pressure from their peers. Friendships help them learn to share, compromise, accept differences and interact appropriately with others. In fact, although usually referred to in negative terms, peer pressure can actually bring about positive results. For instance, if your child is hanging around with good students, she will be more inclined to study and keep up with the group. If her group says “no” to cheating, name-calling and bullying, she will be less inclined to engage in these behaviors. As she gets older, the “just say no” group can frown upon smoking, alcohol, drugs and sex.
On the other hand, peer pressure becomes negative when it influences a child to do something he might not ordinarily do. Children might steal, skip school or purposely flunk a test to fit in. Good grades may be “not cool,” and shoplifting may be the desire not to be “chicken.”
So, what determines which children might succumb to negative peer pressure, and those who won’t? Children with low self esteem, lack of confidence, depression, feelings of isolation and lack of a strong support system tend to gravitate toward any group that will allow them to belong. They may do just about anything in order to fit in and be accepted.
What can a parent do? First and foremost, be sure to have open lines of communication with your children. Teach them from an early age to make good decisions and how to say “no” or walk away from uncomfortable situations. Convey a sense of trust in their ability to make good decisions. Talk to them about possible situations in which they might encounter pressure. Praise your child for making a tough decision to do the right thing, or reject the peer pressure. This will help develop confidence and positive self-esteem. In tougher situations, you might encourage your child to blame it on you. “My mom will kill me,” “I have to get home or lose my phone privileges,” etc. may help them save face while getting out of a tight spot. I also suggest having a code word or phrase that your child can use, signaling by phone a need to be picked up immediately.
Get to know your child’s friends. While we cannot choose their friends, we may have to monitor their activities. Talk to your child about how they choose their friends, and what they find appealing about them.
Be on the lookout for changes in your child’s mood, behavior or habits; these could be indicators that they may be succumbing to negative peer pressure. Discuss your observations without attacking the friend. Parental disapproval of friendships can feel like a personal affront, and create determination to continue the relationship. However, in the case of extreme behaviors such as drugs, alcohol and other illegal behaviors, restricting activities and banning contact with certain peers may be necessary.
Be clear where you draw the line regarding the latest fads. However, if we are too restrictive, we can inadvertently cause rebellion, or create power struggles. Allowing your child some leeway to try different C, etc. because “everyone else is doing it,” gives them opportunity to be part of a group, experiment and develop their emerging identity.
As published in the Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
