Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
 
  Dr Vicki - Better Parenting Institute
 

Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

Ask Dr. Vicki: Self Soothing

Monday, June 21st, 2010

QUESTION: I recently read an article you wrote about babies and self-soothing. It was sent to me by the mother of my first grandchild. I am a bit concerned about her interpretation of the self soothing techniques you mentioned. Is it necessary for a 10 week old baby to cry for 15 to 20 minutes, multiple times each day to self-sooth? And during these self-soothing times is it advisible to leave the baby unattended and go outside because the crying is too stressful to listen too? Is it not teaching him that he has to cry longer and harder to get the attention he needs? The article was very good and I agree with the philosophy but it seems that it would apply more to a toddler than an infant.

DR VICKI’S ANSWER: Thank you for your question. I have had several inquiries about this topic.

Basically, I was a clinical source for the author who constructed the article. That being said, I will be glad to clarify my position. I call parenting a juggling act, because there is always a need to find balance between too much and too little—too much/too little intervention, too much/too little discipline, etc. This is true for babies, as well. I certainly do not mean to allow a new-born to be in severe distress. I think it’s extremely important to develop a very strong foundation of security for infants; making sure that they know their needs will be taken care of, and that there is someone there to watch over them. That’s different than delaying the development of their self-soothing mechanism. Constant and immediate intervention, to the point of experiencing virtually no discomfort or frustration, keeps the baby from working on calming themselves by discovering their fingers, looking at objects, etc. Basically, when articles are written and experts are quoted, the intention is to raise the issues and encourage parents to consider the extent to which they apply to their infants, kids, teens, etc. Parents still need to follow their own intuition and develop their own ‘juggling’ skills to meet the developmental needs of their kids.

Hope this provides clarification. Thank you again for reading the site, and also for posing the question.

Enjoy your kids!


Family Movie Party!

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

Parents Connect with NickelodeonI have the privilege of being the parenting specialist for Nickelodeon’s website, parentsconnect.com. This week, they are giving away DVD’s, Director’s Chairs and Tubs of Popcorn at our Movie Party. Tune in June 9th. If you miss this event, there are lots of others coming up very soon. Go to parentsconnect.com and sign up for their free newsletter so you will be notified of all future events! See you at the movies!

Enjoy your kids!


Kids ‘Sold’ As Slaves?

Monday, May 24th, 2010

How far do you take a history lesson?

I was called by the Delaware News Journal to comment on a story about a history lesson in a Delaware school, that had, perhaps, gone too far. The article, as published in the journal on May 4, 2010 read,

“Eleven-year-old Micaela Reyes’ best friend and four other students were sold into slavery last week during a private-school lesson in Roman history and behavior reinforcement. The exercise was incorporated into a fifth-grade history lesson titled “Rome, Ruler of the Ancient World” at Eagle’s Nest Christian Academy, a school in Milton for pre-kindergarten through eighth grade. The five students who were auctioned off to classmates had low merit points, said Reyes’ mother, Margaret, who called the lesson “demeaning.”

Child psychologist (Dr.) Vicki Panaccione of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla., said teaching history experientially is a good way to explain practices and occurrences of the day. But, she said, singling out low-performing students and using them as slaves only serves to enforce a negative stigma.

“If they volunteered, that would have been one thing,” she said. “But to take the kids at the bottom of the (academic) performance — that’s just like putting a big ‘L’ for loser on their foreheads.”

My comments in the article only begin to voice the concern I had about this exercise. Slavery was abominable, no doubt about it. And, trying to simulate it in a learning experience can be an effective way of teaching. That being said, if the kids auctioned were volunteers, or were chosen by some random criterion (i.e. blue eyes, below a certain height, seated in the first row, etc.) that would be more palatable. But to choose them based on their number of merit points (earned by grades, behavior, etc.) can cause not only embarrassment, but long lasting damage to their self-esteem.

Kids with low grades, lesser capabilities, etc. already are painfully aware of their limitations or how they measure up to their peers. Singling them out to play a demeaning role is just poor judgment. Not only that…school is supposed to be a safe place for children. It shouldn’t be a place to be singled out for potential ridicule, or worse…internal shame. Let’s teach this lesson as it should be: by having everyone take turns, first being the auctioned slaves, and then being their owners. There is something to be learned by the idea of ‘owning’ someone and putting a value on his/her worth, just as much as to experience the degradation of being treatment as an object to be bought.

Click here to read the complete story.

UPDATE: I would like to share with you a comment sent to me from the parents of Michaela Reyes’ mother:

Dear Dr. Vicki,

I personally wanted to thank you for your assessment of the slavery auction on the children at my daughter’s school. She suffered after the article and was singled out for punishment by the teacher, and was then accused of practicing witchcraft because her shirt was untucked. not withstanding, she was the top performing child academically in her entire grade.
She is an amazing child – and I am so proud of her resilience and her performance inspite of all that happened and did not fail to tell her. I also showed her your article to re-enforce she was right.
so thank you again.

Sincerely,
Margaret and Micaela Reyes

Summer With The Kids: Attitude Is Everything

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

A day at the zoo

“Kids are from Krypton: Parents are from Pluto” Radio series update May 20: School’s getting out:  Is that a good thing?  What I find is parents fall into one of two categories:  those who are thrilled to have the kids home, and the others who dread summer and can’t wait for school to start again.  For some, summer is a friend; for others a foe.  Same event; different responses.  Why?  One word…ATTITUDE!  The messages that you send yourself, whether positive or negative, whether conscious or unconscious determine your attitude.  And, ATTITUDE is everything.

Take the zoo, for instance.  If you are looking forward to taking your kids to the zoo, you might be thinking: “I remember going to the zoo as a kid.  I always liked the giraffes best.  It will be fun to share it with my kids.”  If your attitude is positive, you’ll probably smile and be enthusiastic.  As a result, your kids will feel as though you really want to be with them, and you will probably all enjoy the day and each others’ company.

On the other hand, your thinking could go something like this:  “I have so much to do today, I wish I could get out of talking the kids to the zoo again; I really don’t like the heat and the smell.  And, really…how many times do they need to see a giraffe, anyway?  Then, guess how your day will be?  As a result of these negative messages,  you will probably be miserable, act impatiently and your kids will sense your annoyance, feeling as though you really don’t want to be with them.  They may even act out in frustration.

So, which do you choose?  Would you like to have pleasant times to create lasting memories?  Or, another annoying day to add to your long list?  Attitude is everything.  You get to choose.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women


Happy Mother’s Day

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

How was your Mother’s Day? Lovely, I hope. Filled with flowers, hearts and good behavior from the kids? How is your day today? Still full of hearts and flowers…or back to the same old, same old?

Do your days go something like this?:

“Johnny, did you hear me?”

“I hate you!”

“How many times do I have to tell you…?”

“Whatever…”

“Apologize to your sister!”

“I wish I was never born.”

“You did what???”

“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”

“I don’t care.”

“I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall…”

“I’m stupid.”

“Clean your room.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Go to bed!”

“He started it!”

“Just ignore it.”

Sound familiar?

Day after day I see families in my office whose children treat their parents with hostility and defiance. Or with disregard. The lack of respect for authority is rampant. And parents oftentimes feel powerless, and overwhelmed. “What can I do?” is a frequent lament that I hear. Many parents have abdicated their authority, and their children are growing up with disrespect.

And then, once a year, these same children stop and ‘honor’ their mothers. Sure, flowers, breakfast in bed and homemade or store-bought cards and gifts are wonderful. It’s nice to be treated with respect and appreciation.

But once a year is not enough!

Once a year is hypocrisy.

Now don’t get me wrong. I think special days should be celebrated. Like birthdays, anniversaries, life cycle events. They deserve some extra celebration. However, it is not enough to honor, show appreciation and respect just once a year. These are life lessons that need to be taught to our children, and modeled and practiced on a regular basis. The year should be full of acts of kindness, celebrations of our children and parents, appreciation for one another and cooperation and partnership within the family.

What Are You Doing Right?

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Having fun with your kids in the park!Kids are from Krypton, Parents are from Pluto: Radio series update May 6: When’s the last time someone told you that you were doing a great job? How about that you are doing a great job being a parent? We all need to feel good about ourselves, and about what we are doing.

In the midst of trying to raise kids, you might find yourself just focusing on what you have to do, what you didn’t do, what you didn’t do right—and never take time to pat yourself on the back. Well, today’s show did just that: Looked at what you are doing right. And before you start yes-butting, just know that while there’s always more you can do, celebrate the things you are already doing. For instance, think about how much you do to teach moral and values; spend time together; set a good example; show them how proud you are; value their education; and most importantly, love them unconditionally. Please feel free to add more ‘rights’ of your own. And at the end of each day, I encourage you to stop and think about not went wrong or what you didn’t get done. Instead, think about what you did right—and give yourself a pat on the back!

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Pat yourself on the back for something each day.
  2. Focus on what you enjoyed about your kids each day.
  3. Find 10 things each day to be grateful about.
  4. Celebrate all wins!
  5. Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

Coming up next week:  the do’s and don’ts of discipline.

Enjoy your kids!

Radio For Women

To Spank Or Not To Spank–That Is The Question

Monday, April 5th, 2010

You have probably heard this old Mother Goose rhyme:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.

Here’s a kinder, gentler alternative of “Old Woman In A Shoe” from Jordan Riak:

There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe.
She was a kindhearted mom
Who knew exactly what to do.

She raised all her children
With patience and love.
Never once did she give them
A spank, shake or shove.

Her children all learned
To be gentle toward others,
And good parents too
When they became fathers and mothers.

From their days in the shoe
They learned this about living:
Kindness, not force,
Is the gift that keeps giving.

To spank or not to spank is an age-old debate. As a child psychologist, I am not an advocate of spanking. I think there are far more effective ways for parents to discipline, set a good example and maintain a greater bond with their children. And, the ultimate effects of spanking can be dangerous to your kids’ health, wealth, IQ, relationships and most importantly, your relationship with them. Here’s the goal: Show your kids you love them…through your words and your actions.

You can also check out Project NoSpank for more information and discussions.

More on my next blog and on heartbeatradiousa.com Thursday at 1:30 EDT. Feel free to send any questions or comments you have to: michelle@heartbeatradiousa.com Hope to ‘see’ you on the call.

Old woman who lived in a shoe Spank or no spank?

Kids Are From Krypton Parents Are From Pluto

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Radio show update: Stop Shooting Yourself in the Foot! Today’s show focused on some of the major ways that parents undermine their own authority. Before you can effectively discipline your kids, you need to assume a position of respect and authority. However, most parents, particularly moms, have the tendency to sabotage themselves in the following ways:

Parents tend to feel that it is more important to take care of their kids than it is to take care of themselves. However, that couldn’t be farther from the truth! You need to show that you are important, and you take care of your own needs. If you don’t, then you are not respecting yourself; it will be difficult for others to respect you. Doormats are not very respected or honored. They are usually walked all over!

Saying something and not following through teaches your kids that you don’t mean what you say. The more you don’t implement a stated consequence, the more you undermine your authority, the more your kids learn not to take you seriously!

Inconsistency regarding what your rules are, and how you respond to your kids’ behavior leaves them in a state of confusion. When sometimes they get away with things and sometimes they don’t—they may as well keep trying to get away with it. Being able to count on a certain response to their behavior will provide a sense of predictability and security. And will teach them that every time they misbehave in a certain way, a certain consequence will occur.

Parents are not consistently holding their kids accountable for their actions. When your kids misbehave, they need to face the consequences of their actions. Moms tend to give up and do for their kids to avoid arguing. For instance, “I am tired of telling you to clean your rooms. So, I’m going to do it!” Oh, that will teach them!

Again, setting the example is crucial. If you want your kids to behave a certain way, they need to see it. Live a life of self-discipline, and that’s the model by which your kids will learn to live theirs.

Top 5 tips (+1) of the week:

  1. Treat yourself with respect
  2. Follow through with what you say
  3. Be consistent with what you do
  4. Hold your kids accountable
  5. Set the example of self-discipline
  6. Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids!


Hannah Montana All Grown Up?

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

There was story in Sunday’s Parade Magazine, subtitled, “Miley Cyrus says goodbye to Hannah Montana.” The now 17 year-old Miley began her career at the age of 12, and proceeded to be branded as the Disney Channel’s character, Hannah Montana. In this article, she talked about how much other people had been dictating her life, and was pushed onto a path that was not her own. Here is a girl who you may feel is spoiled and has a sense of entitlement.  That may or may not be true.  Regardless of how you see her, she has lived her tween and teen years governed by other people’s motives. I’m not saying that she didn’t have a lot of fame and fortune…and more to come.  I’m saying that in many ways (only on a much more grandiose scale,) she experienced what many kids have to deal with…parental expectations vs. individual desire.

All parents have hopes and dreams for their kids.  However, if you’re not careful, you can easily find yourself directing them onto a path that’s yours and not really theirs.  There is a fine line between giving your kids opportunities, and deciding their life’s direction for them.  And, Miley experienced the latter.  And, now she’s beginning to own her path. “…I’m going to rejoice and be happy to finally not have to be…well, to not be somebody I’m not exactly.” “As I’ve grown into it, I’ve grown out of it.  Does that make sense?”

It does to me.  She’s like a suped-up sports car, that’s been speeding down the road, twisting and turning via the steering of one driver after another, each one wanting his or her directions followed:  “Go here,” “Take a right there”…”Follow that sign!”  And while the car has been enjoying the ride, one day, as it is being steered into yet another hairpin turn…it stops.  And says, “I don’t want to go around turns and down steep hills, and I don’t like this pace.  I don’t want to go down that road anymore.  I want to follow that road over there.  And, I would like you all to get in the back or get out of the car…because I’m going to start steering myself!”

Help your kids find their own path; guide them along their journey, and be comfortable taking the back seat when they begin to say, “I’m going to start steering this ride!”

The Importance of Dinner Conversation

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Radio show update: Today we wrapped up the communication topic on my radio series, discussing some of the times, places and methods of talking with your kids. Dinner time as a family can be a wonderful time for everyone to share about their day, or anything else they might want to talk about. It can be a time to get to know some things about them that you usually don’t take the time to discuss. On the other hand, it is NOT time to grill them, chastise them or bark orders.

Here is some advice of how to make dinner time the focus of your attention: Turn off the TV, and all other electronic distractions; don’t answer any phones; ban cell phones, etc. from the table; have everyone seated at the table—no one gets to take a plate into their own room or sit in front of the TV or computer. Give each child (and parent, too) their own opportunity to speak; the others need to wait their turn. Make family time truly family time.

Top 5 Tips of the Week:

  1. Any place can create an opportunity to talk with your kids.
  2. Make it fun—not every conversation has to be serious or teaching a lesson.
  3. Find out something new about each of your kids everyday.
  4. Use your power of observation to respond to your kids’ reactions, in order to keep the conversation going.
  5. Show your kids you love them—through your words and your actions.

Enjoy your kids…one conversation at a time!

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dr vicki panaccione

Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.

“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more...

 
 
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