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Posts Tagged ‘praise’
Monday, August 17th, 2009
 My awesome son Today is my son’s birthday. At 4:05 a.m., Alex turned 23. Wow! How did that happen??? Surely I haven’t aged that much!
It seems like only yesterday that he was a baby! Then, before I knew it he was going off to kindergarten. And, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to high school,” I lamented. His dad laughed at me.
Then, sure enough… the next day he did, in fact, go off to high school. Again, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to college,” I sobbed. Now, his dad wasn’t laughing. And, then, sure enough…off he went. And now he’s in grad school!
It was amazing how different everything was without him. No more running to soccer games and band concerts; no more bake sales and book fairs; no more science fair projects and poster contests. The house was quiet, clothes and towels weren’t strewn around the bathroom, I could see his bedroom floor and there was no need to nag about taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.
Sounds like every mother’s dream? Be careful what you wish for! I was miserable.
As a child psychologist, I work with parents who tend to fall into one of three categories: the ones who can’t wait for the kids to leave home, the ones who never want their kids to leave and the ones who straddle the fence.
Time flies when you’re raising kids. Sure, there are days that you feel like pulling your hair out…and your kid offering to do it for you! And, then there are the times when your heart just bursts with love.
But, we can get too caught up in the daily drudge of homework, baths and discipline. It’s easy to lose the joy of being a parent, spending time with the kids and watching them grow. So…
Yes, you can yell at your daughter for spilling her milk.
You can tell your kids to “shut up” because they get too noisy.
You can resent all the dirty clothes piled on the floor.
You can spend the day giving your son the silent treatment.
Or not!
Bottom line? It all goes away far too soon. So, here’s my advice:
- Cherish the little things
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Stop taking yourself so seriously
- Laugh with your kids everyday
- Pick your ‘no’s”
- Have family time on a regular basis
- Find ways to enjoy being a parent
So—how about it? Do you pick and choose your battles? Is seeing your little girl with your lipstick all over her face, or your son with his new shoes covered in mud really times to yell and blow your stack? Or are they times to clean up, reprimand and secretly smile to yourself, filing the moment in your memory bank for heart-warming reflection at a later date?
Take it from someone who knows only too well…
It’s the little things that fill your home with the sweet presence of children. And these moments will be gone before you know it. When you won’t have to deal with muddy shoes, ‘borrowed’ lipstick and dirty laundry anymore… will that be a good thing?
So, enjoy your children— they grow up way too soon!
Tags: affection, birthday, child, Child Development, children, college, Discipline, Family, high school, homework, kids, parent, Parenting, parents, praise, self-esteem, unconditional love
Posted in Family | 2 Comments »
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I have an 11 year old daughter and am trying to help her with “anger management”. So far we have been doing better with talking about it, and (she’s) counting to 10, taking deep breathes, walking away. . . .and I have tried to be calm in responding and then I “ignore” any junk behavior. Then I go on to a “normal” question and she seems to fall back into “normal” getting along. She does not want to be at odds with me. Thanks for any input.
Dr. Vicki’s Response:
It sounds as though you are doing a lot of great interventions to help your daughter get control of her anger. Anger is a tough feeling to express for kids, primarily because they seem to get in trouble a lot for how they express those feelings.
It is wonderful that she does not want to be at odds with you. That’s a great place to start from.
Responding calmly is key. If you become angry and respond in kind, the situation will tend to flare up even more. Encouraging her to come back and talk to you when she calms down is a great strategy. When she does, I suggest that you praise her for using whatever technique she used to calm herself, and let her know that you are more than happy to talk to her now that she is calm.
The strategies you suggested to her are good ones. It is very important that while parents are telling children what they can’t do, they need to help them replace those behaviors with acceptable ones. You might try practicing some of the techniques with her when she is not angry, so they will be better developed for when she needs them.
I also encourage children to come up with their own ways of expressing their anger. At this age, some like to journal or draw (remember it can be angry words and angry pictures), write a letter or e-mail to express themselves (although direct communication is ultimately best), listening to music, cool off in the shower, take a walk, etc. I also like to teach them progressive relaxation, where they learn to tense and relax their bodies and also visual imaging, where a very calming or happy image is conjured up in their mind, allowing that feeling to spread over them.
This would be a technique that you and your daughter could learn to do fairly easily, with some individualized instruction.
Another nice technique is to allow her to walk away to take time to calm herself down. I don’t mean in defiance; I mean with an agreement that she is allowed to do so. I like a signal that either of you can give the other that would indicated ‘time out’–let’s take a break, calm down, and get back together again and talk.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: "time-out", anger, anger issues, anger management, at odds, calm, child, Communication, control, interventions, letter, praise, techniques
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Discipline | 3 Comments »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
Particularly your children.
However, you are probably the last to know! When’s the last time you patted yourself on the back? How often do you feel good about what you do? At the end of the day, are you glad to be a parent?
Top Ten Things You Are Doing Right
- You try to set a good example for your children. Children learn by example. So, how you live your life, is the way they will learn to live theirs. When you take care of yourself, act responsibly, follow the rules, show affection, and be honest and trustworthy (and a million other things you do each day), your children are learning how to conduct themselves.
- You teach morals and values. In your desire for your children to grow up to be responsible, caring, loving, trustworthy, moral adults, you teach them right from wrong, and hold them accountable for their own actions.
- You foster independence. Children need to gradually take over more and more responsibility for themselves; and you, in turn, are gradually backing away more and more. If you do your job well, you will actually work your way out of a job! That would mean you have raised your children to be independent adults. Then you will have been truly successful.
- You discipline constructively. Discipline is actually defined as, “training that develops self-control.” So, you hold your children accountable for their actions, teaching standards of behavior. When difficulty with self-control arises, you step in and provide appropriate consequences for the infractions.
- You set realistic expectations. It’s a balancing act when encouraging them to do their best, while being sensitive to their limitations. You reevaluate your expectations as they mature and develop greater abilities.
- You value education. Showing an interest in what your children are learning, and how well they are doing, conveys a sense of importance about learning. Maintaining contact with the school also shows interest and active involvement in the goings-on of your children’s academic lives.
- You spend time together. Whether it’s eating dinner, reading a bedtime story, watching a movie, playing a game, cooking, folding laundry, shopping or going on an outing, working and playing together builds a sense of belonging, community and connectedness. Being there for your children provides security and trust.
- You express support. Your children need to know that you are proud of them. You praise their efforts and applaud their accomplishments. You beam with pride at their school plays, concerts, ball games and spelling bees. You show your children your support by being their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- You show affection. Hug, kiss and cuddle your children for as long as they will allow. And when they get too old for ‘mushy’ stuff, you look for other ways to stay connected, such as a gentle touch, a squeeze of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, etc.
- And most importantly, you love your children unconditionally. This affirms your children and shows them they are valued and will always be loved. no matter what! Loving gives them a sense of security and a strong foundation that they can depend upon as they venture out into the world.
- And at the end of each day, I encourage you to stop and think about not went wrong or what you didn’t get done. Instead, think about what you did right—and pat yourself on the back!
Tags: affection, connectedness, Discipline, expectations, independence, morals, praise, responsibility, set example, support, values
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
When your children experience your constant love, they feel lovable and valuable. They develop the ability to love themselves, feeling secure and worthwhile.
When your children experience your unwavering support, they feel accepted and validated. They develop their own identity, feeling confident, competent, capable and appreciated.
Top 10 Tips for Loving Your Children
- Love unconditionally. Unconditional love is just that-unconditional. The love you feel for your children is unflappable: No matter what they do, you will always love them. However, children often believe that they are loved when they are behaving and achieving, but when they are in trouble, the love isn’t there. It is crucial to teach your children that how you feel about a particular behavior has nothing to do with your constant love for them.
- Be there! Children feel safe and secure knowing that you are there for them, literally and figuratively. Your children need you to spend time with them, and be actively present in their lives. They also need to know that you are there for them, providing protection and guidance. Knowing that you will always be there for them provides your children the sense of security they need to gradually venture forth into the world. They can feel safe with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
- Tell your children you love them every day. Tell them with your words and with your actions. Treat them lovingly, respectfully and kindly. How you treat them conveys how loved and valued they are, which in turn helps them believe themselves to be lovable and valuable.
- Show affection. Showing affection is a significant demonstration of your unconditional love. Be as affectionate as your children will allow, in the manner comfortable for them. Enjoy those hugs and kisses while they last!
- Give affirmations. Affirmations are the positive things you tell your children. These words of validation help your children develop positive self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. Affirmations can be related to something they do : “I knew you could do it!”, or “Couldn’t have done it better myself!” Affirmations can also be given just because they are : “I’m so glad to be your mom,” and “I appreciate you.” How about making an affirmation list of your own?
- Be glad to be their parent. Your children are amazing. Take time to delight in the joy they bring. Spend time savoring the moments, and sharing them with your children. Let your children know why you are glad to be their parent.
- Believe in your children. Your children can become whatever they believe they can become. Where do those beliefs come from? They start with you. You set the tone, the programming, if you will. The messages you send, the beliefs you convey, directly effect what your children will believe about themselves. And they will act on those beliefs. Believe in your children, and they will learn to believe in themselves.
- Support their interests and talents. Provide your children with opportunity to pursue their interests and cultivate their talents. Show an interest in what they are doing. However, three cautions: don’t over-schedule; don’t turn an interest into lessons and practice sessions without your children’s agreement; and if their interests and abilities do not match your expectations, keep your disappointment to yourself.
- Be your children’s biggest fan. Of all the various feedback your children will receive, they want your approval the most. Show them how proud you are of their efforts and accomplishments, as well as the wonderful individuals they are becoming. Cheer all you want at their sporting events and snap as many pictures as possible at their concerts, school plays and award ceremonies. Smiles, hugs, praise and big thumbs-up will let them know that you are their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- Catch your children being good. Find reasons to praise your children everyday. You can always find reasons to praise for things they do (such as cooperating, getting a good grade, etc.). And then there are reasons to praise for things they don’t do (such as not interrupting your phone conversation, not hitting their sibling even when angry, etc.)
BONUS: TOP 10 AFFIRMATIONS
- I AM SO LUCKY TO BE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER
- I APPRECIATE YOU
- I TRUST YOU
- I BELIEVE IN YOU
- YOU ARE CAPABLE AND COMPETENT
- YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY
- YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO DO
- YOU ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE
- I AM PROUD OF YOU JUST FOR BEING YOU
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Tags: affection, affirmations, appreciate, beliefs, believe in, capable, children, competent, parent, praise, proud of, safe, secure, unconditional love
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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