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Posts Tagged ‘secure’
Saturday, August 15th, 2009
 The Gosselin family
Over the past few weeks, I have received a number of calls from Life & Style, Star and People magazines all wanting expert advice, mostly about Jon & Kate Gosselin (the famous parents of 8-year-old-twins and 5-year-old sextuplets,) their very public divorce, and how it affects the kids.
Though more public than most, their divorce brings up basic issues not only applying to their kids, but for all kids dealing with their parents’ divorce.
This week, Life & Style called after Kate was interviewed on Today. Her #1 concern…
“The kids think we’re getting back together.” “We’ve had to go over it a few times,” she commented.
Not surprisingly, it will probably take many more repetitions for the kids to understand that their parents are no longer married, and even more time to accept it…especially when they are receiving very confusing messages.
My comments to Life & Style regarding Jon & Kate are no different than the recommendations I would give to any divorcing parent. Here are some issues and my advice:
- Jon & Kate told the kids they had split, but Jon pops in and out on a regular basis and still films the show (which still has the same family title.) Kate, however, leaves when he comes; but the kids don’t get it. So have things changed or not?
- Advice: Don’t just talk the talk. If, in fact, parents are no longer together, their behavior needs to reflect that…particularly when the kids are young, and while they are still trying to wrap their minds around it.
- Kate still wears her wedding band to ‘avoid upsetting the kids.’ “They know it’s a Mommy’s-married-to-Daddy ring,” she said. How confusing is that?
- Advice: Young kids have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, like divorce. They do much better with concrete, visual examples of the split. If Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore, then take off the ring that symbolizes that!
- Implied in the article, but not fully addressed: “Jon’s brazen flaunting of (his) 22-year-old girlfriend.” How are the kids supposed to understand that?!
- Advice: TMI!! This new relationship should not have been made public for the kids to have to deal with while they are still reeling and trying to understand what’s happened to Mommy and Daddy!
Celebs or not, parents are parents and kids are kids…the issues and needs are the same. My advice: Make decisions and act with the kids’ best interest in mind!!
For full article: Life & Style , Aug. 24, 2009
Tags: behavior, child, children, Communication, divorce, emotional, Family, Gosellin, Jon & Kate, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosellin, Kate Gosellin, parent, Parenting, parents, secure, security, unconditional love
Posted in Family | Add a Comment »
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
Dear Dr. Vicki,
I know that there are certain child development stages that all children go through. But what if my child hasn’t reached that stage and her friends the same age have?
Dr. Vicki’s advice:
I like to think of child development as climbing a staircase, with each step representing a series of tasks to work on and master before going on to the next step. All children climb the stairs, in their own way and in their own time. Using Erikson’s model of stages of development, I’ll take you up the staircase:
On the first step, newborns and infants (ages birth-2) must develop the belief that their needs will be taken care of, and that their world is a safe and secure environment.
Once they can trust, toddlers (ages 2-4) can move on to the next step, beginning to break away, venture out in the world, and assert themselves as individuals. Having established some independence, the next step involves initiation and risk.
The 4-6 year olds begin to try new things, risking attempts at new situations in preparation for the tasks of later life. It is important to allow these children to try new things, and reinforce their effort, regardless of outcome.
Now that they can risk, school-aged children (ages 6-12) move onto the next step, where they are working hard to master and achieve in many areas: academic success, self image, social interaction (negotiating relationships with peers), beginning to find out who they are (what do I like, what am I good at, etc.), moral development and impulse control. They need to feel a sense of achievement in all these areas to go on to the next step, where their identity and independence begins to solidify.
Remember, we all climb the stairs, taking time on each step to master the tasks needed in order to be successful on the next step. Some children run up the staircase, others crawl, others go up backwards or slowly, taking their own sweet time. And some get stuck on a step and stay there for a while, or actually regress and head back down to the previous step. But all children climb the stairs. As parents, our job is to help the climb, nudging in supportive encouragement, staying nearby to catch them if they fall, and cheering from the sidelines as they work hard to reach the next step.
And should you have any serious concerns about delays in your child’s development, consult with your pediatrician or a child psychologist.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Child Development, child psychologist, children, encouragement, Erikson, independence, secure
Posted in Ask Dr. Vicki, Child Development | 1 Comment »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
When your children experience your constant love, they feel lovable and valuable. They develop the ability to love themselves, feeling secure and worthwhile.
When your children experience your unwavering support, they feel accepted and validated. They develop their own identity, feeling confident, competent, capable and appreciated.
Top 10 Tips for Loving Your Children
- Love unconditionally. Unconditional love is just that-unconditional. The love you feel for your children is unflappable: No matter what they do, you will always love them. However, children often believe that they are loved when they are behaving and achieving, but when they are in trouble, the love isn’t there. It is crucial to teach your children that how you feel about a particular behavior has nothing to do with your constant love for them.
- Be there! Children feel safe and secure knowing that you are there for them, literally and figuratively. Your children need you to spend time with them, and be actively present in their lives. They also need to know that you are there for them, providing protection and guidance. Knowing that you will always be there for them provides your children the sense of security they need to gradually venture forth into the world. They can feel safe with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
- Tell your children you love them every day. Tell them with your words and with your actions. Treat them lovingly, respectfully and kindly. How you treat them conveys how loved and valued they are, which in turn helps them believe themselves to be lovable and valuable.
- Show affection. Showing affection is a significant demonstration of your unconditional love. Be as affectionate as your children will allow, in the manner comfortable for them. Enjoy those hugs and kisses while they last!
- Give affirmations. Affirmations are the positive things you tell your children. These words of validation help your children develop positive self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. Affirmations can be related to something they do : “I knew you could do it!”, or “Couldn’t have done it better myself!” Affirmations can also be given just because they are : “I’m so glad to be your mom,” and “I appreciate you.” How about making an affirmation list of your own?
- Be glad to be their parent. Your children are amazing. Take time to delight in the joy they bring. Spend time savoring the moments, and sharing them with your children. Let your children know why you are glad to be their parent.
- Believe in your children. Your children can become whatever they believe they can become. Where do those beliefs come from? They start with you. You set the tone, the programming, if you will. The messages you send, the beliefs you convey, directly effect what your children will believe about themselves. And they will act on those beliefs. Believe in your children, and they will learn to believe in themselves.
- Support their interests and talents. Provide your children with opportunity to pursue their interests and cultivate their talents. Show an interest in what they are doing. However, three cautions: don’t over-schedule; don’t turn an interest into lessons and practice sessions without your children’s agreement; and if their interests and abilities do not match your expectations, keep your disappointment to yourself.
- Be your children’s biggest fan. Of all the various feedback your children will receive, they want your approval the most. Show them how proud you are of their efforts and accomplishments, as well as the wonderful individuals they are becoming. Cheer all you want at their sporting events and snap as many pictures as possible at their concerts, school plays and award ceremonies. Smiles, hugs, praise and big thumbs-up will let them know that you are their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- Catch your children being good. Find reasons to praise your children everyday. You can always find reasons to praise for things they do (such as cooperating, getting a good grade, etc.). And then there are reasons to praise for things they don’t do (such as not interrupting your phone conversation, not hitting their sibling even when angry, etc.)
BONUS: TOP 10 AFFIRMATIONS
- I AM SO LUCKY TO BE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER
- I APPRECIATE YOU
- I TRUST YOU
- I BELIEVE IN YOU
- YOU ARE CAPABLE AND COMPETENT
- YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY
- YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO DO
- YOU ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE
- I AM PROUD OF YOU JUST FOR BEING YOU
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Tags: affection, affirmations, appreciate, beliefs, believe in, capable, children, competent, parent, praise, proud of, safe, secure, unconditional love
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
Every parent has awakened to this lament.
It’s important for parents to realize that a child’s fears are real and shouldn’t be discounted, said Vicki Panaccione, a Melbourne psychologist who works with children.
“For younger children, they are in the room by themselves with nothing to occupy them but their own thoughts, which can be very scary,” Panaccione said. “It’s legitimate and is usually about personal safety, monsters or anxieties about being separated from their parents.”
Fears can occur as young as 8 or 9 months and as old as 9 or 10.
“Waking up in the middle of the night varies with each child, and these periods can also come and go,” Panaccione said. “If the child is sleeping through the night and out of the blue is waking up, it may have to do with something the child is dealing with, like pressures or stresses at school or in families.”
Ultimately, children must disconnect from parents and sleep by themselves so they can develop coping strategies for other lifelong situations.
“They learn that they can be safe and secure without being attached to the parent, and they learn about self-calming,” Panaccione said. “If they don’t learn, it can result in children being anxious. They won’t be able to deal with an uncomfortable feeling in any situation without mom and dad constantly having to calm them and make them feel secure.”
To help ease fears, try nightlights, flashlights, soothing music, the sound of a fan or make promises of reward if the child stays in bed during the night.
These are some suggestions for getting your kids to bed and keeping them there:
1) Try to figure out what is causing the fears and anxieties. Is it a family move or pressures at school? Also, monitor what your children watch on television before bedtime. Scary movies or violent cartoons could prompt sleeplessness.
2) Offer solutions. A nightlight or flashlight kept by the bed can help eliminate fears of the dark. Soothing music will make the quiet seem less creepy. If they fear “monsters,” do a “monster check” before bed to help the child feel safe.
3) Offer incentives or reward (not bribes). The child can work toward these by staying in his bed. Use stickers, movie nights or special treats as incentives.
4) Plan a set bedtime. For children to go to sleep at a regular time, they need a set bedtime every night. This will condition their bodies to be ready for sleep when you put them to bed.
5) Plan a quiet activity. Always avoid over-stimulating your children before they go to sleep. Instead, read a story, sing softly or say a prayer. Save high-energy activities, such as piggyback rides or action-packed games, for earlier in the day.
6) Avoid lengthy daytime naps. Avoid letting children sleep more than an hour or an hour and a half in the afternoon unless they are 5 or under. Children older than 5 usually don’t require more than an hour’s nap. Long naps can prevent children from going to sleep at scheduled bedtimes.
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: anxiety, bed, child, fears, fears of the dark, flashlights, monsters, nightlights, parents, safe, secure, sleep, story
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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