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Posts Tagged ‘self-esteem’
Monday, August 17th, 2009
 My awesome son Today is my son’s birthday. At 4:05 a.m., Alex turned 23. Wow! How did that happen??? Surely I haven’t aged that much!
It seems like only yesterday that he was a baby! Then, before I knew it he was going off to kindergarten. And, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to high school,” I lamented. His dad laughed at me.
Then, sure enough… the next day he did, in fact, go off to high school. Again, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to college,” I sobbed. Now, his dad wasn’t laughing. And, then, sure enough…off he went. And now he’s in grad school!
It was amazing how different everything was without him. No more running to soccer games and band concerts; no more bake sales and book fairs; no more science fair projects and poster contests. The house was quiet, clothes and towels weren’t strewn around the bathroom, I could see his bedroom floor and there was no need to nag about taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.
Sounds like every mother’s dream? Be careful what you wish for! I was miserable.
As a child psychologist, I work with parents who tend to fall into one of three categories: the ones who can’t wait for the kids to leave home, the ones who never want their kids to leave and the ones who straddle the fence.
Time flies when you’re raising kids. Sure, there are days that you feel like pulling your hair out…and your kid offering to do it for you! And, then there are the times when your heart just bursts with love.
But, we can get too caught up in the daily drudge of homework, baths and discipline. It’s easy to lose the joy of being a parent, spending time with the kids and watching them grow. So…
Yes, you can yell at your daughter for spilling her milk.
You can tell your kids to “shut up” because they get too noisy.
You can resent all the dirty clothes piled on the floor.
You can spend the day giving your son the silent treatment.
Or not!
Bottom line? It all goes away far too soon. So, here’s my advice:
- Cherish the little things
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Stop taking yourself so seriously
- Laugh with your kids everyday
- Pick your ‘no’s”
- Have family time on a regular basis
- Find ways to enjoy being a parent
So—how about it? Do you pick and choose your battles? Is seeing your little girl with your lipstick all over her face, or your son with his new shoes covered in mud really times to yell and blow your stack? Or are they times to clean up, reprimand and secretly smile to yourself, filing the moment in your memory bank for heart-warming reflection at a later date?
Take it from someone who knows only too well…
It’s the little things that fill your home with the sweet presence of children. And these moments will be gone before you know it. When you won’t have to deal with muddy shoes, ‘borrowed’ lipstick and dirty laundry anymore… will that be a good thing?
So, enjoy your children— they grow up way too soon!
Tags: affection, birthday, child, Child Development, children, college, Discipline, Family, high school, homework, kids, parent, Parenting, parents, praise, self-esteem, unconditional love
Posted in Family | 2 Comments »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
What do you think of when you hear the word discipline? If you are like most parents, the word conjures up ideas of correction and punishment.
However, that is only one part of the equation!
Actually, the purpose of discipline is to teach. And the lessons taught vary with the ages of your children. With young children, discipline focuses on protecting them against external dangers and their own impulses. As they get older, discipline serves more and more to promote development as an individual and as a social being.
Top 10 Tips for Effective Discipline
- Set realistic expectations. Setting realistic expectations is a crucial part of discipline. In order to assure that expectations can reasonably be met, many factors need to be considered, such as: age, personality, temperament, strengths and weaknesses. When children meet expectations set out for them, it helps develop self-confidence and positive self-esteem.
- Clearly define limits. Children need structure and boundaries. That provides security and trust. On the other hand, they will still push the limits to see how far they can push, and to make sure they won’t be able to get out of control. Limits need to be clearly identified, and adhered to. And as your children get older, the limits will need to be re-evaluated.
- Set a good example. Your children learn by example. The way they learn to conduct themselves, is the way they see you conducting yourself.
- Hold your children accountable. When your children misbehave, they need to face the consequences of their actions. They need to clearly understand what they did wrong, and why the behavior is unacceptable.
- Use reasonable consequences. When establishing consequences, just like expectations, it is important to take into account the offense and age of your child. Consequences are most effective if given as close to the misbehavior as possible (particularly for younger children.) And, like the saying goes, “Make sure the punishment fits the crime.”
- Follow through. Basically, don’t say it if you aren’t going to actually do it. Threats, ‘giving in’ and failure to implement a stated consequence undermine your authority. Lack of follow through teaches children that you don’t mean what you say, and they don’t have to take you seriously.
- Be consistent. There is comfort in knowing what to expect. Inconsistency regarding behavioral requirements, and subsequent responses, confuse children, and leaving them feeling unsettled. Consistently having rules in place and consistently addressing misbehavior will provide your children with a crucial sense of security and predictability.
- Reward desirable behaviors. Praise and recognition can go a long way in helping develop self-control, because it reinforces the desirable behaviors. If you don’t acknowledge the good as well as the bad, then your parenting style is lop-sided and your children are taught self-control through punishment only. However, if you intervene when needed, and praise when you aren’t, then you are helping your children develop from a balanced approach.
- Use humor, flexibility and creativity. If you find you are ‘banging your head against the wall,’ it means that whatever you are doing isn’t working. It means it’s time to try something new. Being flexible and creative in parenting your children is extremely important. The lessons taught are the same, only the techniques may need to change.
- Pick and choose your battles. Children are far from perfect. And if you wanted to, you could probably find yourself disciplining all day long. It is necessary to address the behaviors of major importance, but try to ignore some of the little things. Remember that the corollary to, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” is that, “Most things in life are small stuff!”
- OOPS! One more—which goes along with any parenting tip:
- Love unconditionally. Your children need to know you love them…no matter what! Particularly in times of discipline and expressions of disapproval.
BONUS: TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD
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- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I GET ANGRY.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I GET SAD.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN I AM DISAPPOINTED.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU GET A BAD GRADE.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MISBEHAVE.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T LISTEN.
- I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU WORRY ME TO DEATH.
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Tags: accountable, consequences, consistent, Discipline, effective, expectations, good example, love unconditionally, predictability, punishment, security, self-confidence, self-esteem
Posted in Discipline | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
Top 10 Tips To Build Self-Esteem
- Love unconditionally.
- Value your children not for what they do, but simply for who they are.
- Help them pursue their goals and dreams.
- Respect them in words and actions.
- Encourage independence.
- Trust in their ability to make good decisions.
- Teach them to believe in themselves.
- Celebrate efforts and improvements, as well as accomplishments.
- Provide a solid, secure foundation.
- The more responsible and trustworthy the child, the more freedom earned.
Tags: encourage, love unconditionally, respect, self-esteem, trust, value
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
“Children need to know they are loved simply for existing, not because of what they do, what grades they bring home, but just because of who they are.”
Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D., child psychologist
Parents spend a lot of time telling kids to clean their room, do their homework, wash the dishes, stop fighting with their siblings, brush their teeth and go to bed. When it comes to raising responsible and loving children, discipline is an important part of parenting. But so is affection.
Yet, sometimes, during hectic days, parents simply forget to show their children love, and no one can afford to do that.
Melbourne child psychologist (Dr.) Vicki Panaccione wants parents to show love, not just assume their children already know. She hung a sign outside of her office that reads: Dr. Vicki Says “Hug Your Kids Today”.
“It’s important to spread the word about how parents can have great relationships with their kids,” Panaccione said. “In the hustle and bustle of the day and week, a lot of times we forget. It kind of passes, and we’ve missed the moment, particularly as our kids get older.”
She’s gotten a lot of response to the sign from parents who honk horns in agreement or pull over to follow the sign’s advice.
“I think knowing that you are unconditionally loved is the most important thing a child needs to know,” Panaccione said. “The need to know they are loved simply for existing, not because of what they do, what grades they bring home.
“First, you have to receive love in order to be able to give love,” she added. “You must feel that you are a lovable person in order to gain confidence and self-esteem.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: affection, confidence, Discipline, hugs, love, Parenting, self-esteem, unconditionally loved
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
Overweight is defined as having a body-mass index higher than 95 percent of children the same age. At-risk is defined as having a body-mass index higher than 85%. Brevard’s Health Department has decided to begin screening students, to identify at-risk children.
While some schools send the (screening results) letters home with report cards or sealed in envelopes, others simply hand the students stapled notices to deliver to their parents.
“The information needs to be conveyed to the parents, but not via the children,” said Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a licensed child psychologist. “It can impact their self-esteem.”
Experts say long-time practices like assessing body-fat ratios in physical education classes also can diminish a child’s self-esteem.
“It needs to be done in privacy, not in a classroom in front of others because it is private,” Panaccione said. It’s about their body and can cause a lot of embarrassment. If the child is impressionable enough, it can lead to eating disorders.
“Putting an overemphasis on a child’s weight while they are developing can create problems with self-esteem,” she said. “The focus shouldn’t be on what the body looks like, but that they are getting activity and are eating and sleeping well.”
Obesity (can be) a direct result of lifestyle choices: Children are spending more time watching television, using computers and playing video games, and busy parents often rely on ‘fast food’ to feed their families. “Societal dangers also have caused parents to become more restrictive and less inclined to allow their children to run around the neighborhood,” Panaccione said.
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: body-fat, body-fat ratios, body-mass index, eating disorders, embarrassment, fast-food, obesity, overweight, screening, self-esteem
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
Friday, September 5th, 2008
Just as adults do, overweight children face increasing health risks not only from obesity-associated diabetes but from heart disease and some cancers.
There also may be psychological problems associated with being overweight, said Vicki Panaccione, who has a doctorate in psychology and practices in Melbourne.
Although in her practice, children rarely are referred solely because they’re overweight, it seems logical obesity can threaten self-worth, she said.
“Even for kids who are somewhat overweight, this can be a problem,” said Panaccione. “Other kids can be cruel, and that can’t help an overweight child’s self-esteem.
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: American kids, diabetes, heart disease, obesity, overweight, self-esteem, self-worth
Posted in Child Development | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
Self-injury, sometimes called self mutilation, is difficult to talk about. People who do it to themselves feel ashamed. Often, they don’t know why they do it—their explanations are simply that they were feeling bad and looking for attention.
Child psychologist Vicki Panaccione of Melbourne said it is not very common in her practice but she does see it.
“Children who are hurting themselves…it tends to be a real cry for help or a need to get noticed in some way. Generally, these children have very poor self-esteem and some have been abused and feel that they deserve this abuse, that that’s all they deserve.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: abused, ashamed, attention, self mutilation, self-esteem
Posted in Education, Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
Saturday, December 7th, 2002
Two teens jumped off the Melbourne Bridge for fun. One is dead and the other severely traumatized. Investigating the incident, officials learned that bridge jumping is popular with teens.
Risky behavior or attempting thrill-seeking feats is nothing new.
But the difference today is that teens are taking those behaviors to the extreme. That’s because they seek acceptance, or thrills, or believe they are invincible, said Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a Melbourne psychologist who specializes in teen behavior.
“Teenagers in general really think they are invincible and they don’t grasp the concept of death,” Panaccione said. “They figure if it happens to someone else, it still won’t happen to them.”
“Between media messages and the teen-age sense of invincibility, I think lots of teens are making careless decisions,” Panaccione said.
Teens who are more vulnerable to risky behaviors are those with low self-esteem, those who want to belong or those wanting attention. “But any teen could be vulnerable to peer pressure and all will experiment (with risky behavior) to some extent,” Panaccione said.
Dr. Panaccione offers these tips for dealing with death, dares and risky behaviors:
1) Parents should talk to their children about the dangers of risky behaviors.
2) Encourage kids to talk, either with parents, guidance/grief counselors or religious leaders by giving them an outlet to do so.
3) When a teen in the community dies, parents should explore their child’s feelings, whether they knew the teen or not.
4) Realize that reactions to death and this type of risky behavior will vary from person to person. Some teens will say, “That was really stupid,” while others will need to address the topic with an adult.
5) Although adults can’t keep a constant eye on teens or predict what they will do, parents can monitor their peer group. Make sure you feel comfortable with the people your child is hanging out with.
6) Look for changes in your child’s mood or behavior that could signal poor self-esteem or depression, issues that could trigger risky behavior.
7) Outline behaviors and activities that are fun and those that are risky and dangerous. Provide examples and discuss results of risky/dangerous behavior.
 Urge teens to be cautious about what they dare others to do. What starts out as a harmless dare could result in tragedy.
As published in Florida Today, Dec. 4, 2002.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D
Tags: "bridge jumping", dangerous, dares, death, extreme, invincible, peer pressure, risky, risky behavior, self-esteem, teen behavior, thrills
Posted in Puberty / Adolescence | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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