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Posts Tagged ‘unconditional love’
Friday, February 12th, 2010
 - Your kids learn how to love by watching you love each other
Valentine’s Day is upon us—the one day a year we are supposed to profess our love for our mate. One day a year? What are the other 364 days for? Well, I’ll tell you what they are for…
Lots of affection, intimacy and passion!
So, why is a child psychologist giving marital advice? Because over the past 25 years, I have worked with 100’s and 100’s of children and families. And here’s what I know…
Parents who take care of their marriage, tend to take better care of their families.
Here’s why:
The marital relationship is sacred. It is the foundation of the family, the roots of the family tree, if you will. The healthier the roots, the stronger the tree and the sweeter the fruit. In other words, taking care of your relationship provides a loving basis for raising your kids. It seems that many families have children and end up focusing all their attention on the fruit that they bear. But without attention and nurturing of the roots, the tree becomes weaker and the fruits can turn to mush.
Kids learn from example. They watch you like a hawk. And, no…I am not suggesting that passion and intimacy become a spectator sport. However, when you and your partner maintain a loving, passionate relationship, you like each other more. Let’s face it—it’s much more enjoyable to be with each other with your kids, when you love the intimacy you have when you are alone.
Here’s what your kids learn: How you treat your wife is the example they learn of how a man treats a woman. Conversely, how you treat your husband is a direct lesson of how a woman treats a man. If you want your kids to have loving relationships, then you need to set the example. It’s OK to show affection in front of them. In fact, it’s a wonderful model for them, giving them permission to be affectionate with their future mate. It also can be very comforting to kids to see their parents having a warm, close relationship. It provides a sense of security for them, as they learn that affection is related to togetherness and commitment.
Furthermore, when the passion is alive in the bedroom, the sense of closeness and oneness is carried throughout your relationship and the many roles you need to play. Liking each other and enjoying each other also helps you support each other when parenting. It is much easier to get on the same page with someone you like standing next to…and forming a strong united front is key in discipline, communication and teaching values. When your passion ignites at night, your parenting will shine all day!
Enjoy your kids…but first enjoy each other.
Happy Valentine’s Day all year long!
Tags: affection, affectionate, children, commitmentdiscipline, families, Family, happy child, husband, intimacy, kids, love, loving, man, parent, Parenting, parents, partner, passion, relationship, security, unconditional love, valentine, values, wife, woman
Posted in Child Development, Communication, Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Saturday, August 29th, 2009
 Nighttime Space Shuttle Discovery Launch The midnight sky suddenly lit up like a fire ball; white, billowy smoke was exploding from the horizon and the ocean waves appeared to sparkle like fairy dust. I stared up at the sky as the Space Shuttle Discovery launched into space, the sky so clear that we could actually see the two rocket boosters separate from the rocket and descend toward the sea. I was totally in awe…others were fast asleep in their beds.
Asleep? Uninterested? Inconvenienced? No way! Like me, many of us go through life excited about little things like a bird’s nest, puddles and indulging in chocolate, knowing that the miraculous events such as a space shuttle launch happen less often. Others become so bored and blasé, they say, “Oh, I’ve already seen one,” “Been there, done that,” and are therefore no longer interested in watching another shuttle light up the sky by night, sail into the clouds by day nor experience the delayed rattle and shaking of the earth about a minute or so after the bird takes flight.
Sad, really. These folks are letting life pass them by, sucked into the drudge of autopilot and missing the opportunities to celebrate, be joyful or fulfilled by the daily miracles called their children.
Many parents I have seen in my office fall into a state of autopilot, seeing parenting as another obligation rather than an inspiration. They are so overwhelmed and burdened, that they find themselves angry, inconvenienced and frustrated with their kids more than they revel in the little things…like runny noses wiped on shirt sleeves, a 10-second non-speaking part in the school play, a handful of weeds thrust at them with pride. Or, how about the teens who are ’in love’ and get their hearts broken, grow out of their athletic supporter, or beat up their younger siblings but fiercely defend them when others try to bully.
The Space Shuttle launch had three days of delays, bad weather and malfunctions. Folks at NASA waiting for launch probably felt aggravation, frustration and inconvenience. However, they continued to express a great deal of determination, pride and awe of the magnificence of their creation. Then they literally cheered as Discovery headed upwards.
Like the Space Shuttle, your kids will have malfunctions, delays and stormy days. However, they will also become ready to blast off from the launch pad and follow their own course. I encourage any of you feeling on autopilot to downshift into manual drive. From there you will still become aggravated, frustrated and inconvenienced at times. And yet downshifting will help you slow down enough to really notice and enjoy the multitude of facets during prelaunch…
Knowing that the clock is ticking and the countdown has already begun.
Remember: Kids are gifts…Enjoy their Presence!
Enjoy your kids!
Tags: child, children, Family, kids, love, nasa, parent, Parenting, parents, space shuttle, space shuttle discovery, space shuttle launch, unconditional love
Posted in Communication, Family, Parenting | 2 Comments »
Monday, August 17th, 2009
 My awesome son Today is my son’s birthday. At 4:05 a.m., Alex turned 23. Wow! How did that happen??? Surely I haven’t aged that much!
It seems like only yesterday that he was a baby! Then, before I knew it he was going off to kindergarten. And, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to high school,” I lamented. His dad laughed at me.
Then, sure enough… the next day he did, in fact, go off to high school. Again, I cried. “Tomorrow he’ll be going to college,” I sobbed. Now, his dad wasn’t laughing. And, then, sure enough…off he went. And now he’s in grad school!
It was amazing how different everything was without him. No more running to soccer games and band concerts; no more bake sales and book fairs; no more science fair projects and poster contests. The house was quiet, clothes and towels weren’t strewn around the bathroom, I could see his bedroom floor and there was no need to nag about taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.
Sounds like every mother’s dream? Be careful what you wish for! I was miserable.
As a child psychologist, I work with parents who tend to fall into one of three categories: the ones who can’t wait for the kids to leave home, the ones who never want their kids to leave and the ones who straddle the fence.
Time flies when you’re raising kids. Sure, there are days that you feel like pulling your hair out…and your kid offering to do it for you! And, then there are the times when your heart just bursts with love.
But, we can get too caught up in the daily drudge of homework, baths and discipline. It’s easy to lose the joy of being a parent, spending time with the kids and watching them grow. So…
Yes, you can yell at your daughter for spilling her milk.
You can tell your kids to “shut up” because they get too noisy.
You can resent all the dirty clothes piled on the floor.
You can spend the day giving your son the silent treatment.
Or not!
Bottom line? It all goes away far too soon. So, here’s my advice:
- Cherish the little things
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Stop taking yourself so seriously
- Laugh with your kids everyday
- Pick your ‘no’s”
- Have family time on a regular basis
- Find ways to enjoy being a parent
So—how about it? Do you pick and choose your battles? Is seeing your little girl with your lipstick all over her face, or your son with his new shoes covered in mud really times to yell and blow your stack? Or are they times to clean up, reprimand and secretly smile to yourself, filing the moment in your memory bank for heart-warming reflection at a later date?
Take it from someone who knows only too well…
It’s the little things that fill your home with the sweet presence of children. And these moments will be gone before you know it. When you won’t have to deal with muddy shoes, ‘borrowed’ lipstick and dirty laundry anymore… will that be a good thing?
So, enjoy your children— they grow up way too soon!
Tags: affection, birthday, child, Child Development, children, college, Discipline, Family, high school, homework, kids, parent, Parenting, parents, praise, self-esteem, unconditional love
Posted in Family | 2 Comments »
Saturday, August 15th, 2009
 The Gosselin family
Over the past few weeks, I have received a number of calls from Life & Style, Star and People magazines all wanting expert advice, mostly about Jon & Kate Gosselin (the famous parents of 8-year-old-twins and 5-year-old sextuplets,) their very public divorce, and how it affects the kids.
Though more public than most, their divorce brings up basic issues not only applying to their kids, but for all kids dealing with their parents’ divorce.
This week, Life & Style called after Kate was interviewed on Today. Her #1 concern…
“The kids think we’re getting back together.” “We’ve had to go over it a few times,” she commented.
Not surprisingly, it will probably take many more repetitions for the kids to understand that their parents are no longer married, and even more time to accept it…especially when they are receiving very confusing messages.
My comments to Life & Style regarding Jon & Kate are no different than the recommendations I would give to any divorcing parent. Here are some issues and my advice:
- Jon & Kate told the kids they had split, but Jon pops in and out on a regular basis and still films the show (which still has the same family title.) Kate, however, leaves when he comes; but the kids don’t get it. So have things changed or not?
- Advice: Don’t just talk the talk. If, in fact, parents are no longer together, their behavior needs to reflect that…particularly when the kids are young, and while they are still trying to wrap their minds around it.
- Kate still wears her wedding band to ‘avoid upsetting the kids.’ “They know it’s a Mommy’s-married-to-Daddy ring,” she said. How confusing is that?
- Advice: Young kids have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, like divorce. They do much better with concrete, visual examples of the split. If Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore, then take off the ring that symbolizes that!
- Implied in the article, but not fully addressed: “Jon’s brazen flaunting of (his) 22-year-old girlfriend.” How are the kids supposed to understand that?!
- Advice: TMI!! This new relationship should not have been made public for the kids to have to deal with while they are still reeling and trying to understand what’s happened to Mommy and Daddy!
Celebs or not, parents are parents and kids are kids…the issues and needs are the same. My advice: Make decisions and act with the kids’ best interest in mind!!
For full article: Life & Style , Aug. 24, 2009
Tags: behavior, child, children, Communication, divorce, emotional, Family, Gosellin, Jon & Kate, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosellin, Kate Gosellin, parent, Parenting, parents, secure, security, unconditional love
Posted in Family | Add a Comment »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
When your children experience your constant love, they feel lovable and valuable. They develop the ability to love themselves, feeling secure and worthwhile.
When your children experience your unwavering support, they feel accepted and validated. They develop their own identity, feeling confident, competent, capable and appreciated.
Top 10 Tips for Loving Your Children
- Love unconditionally. Unconditional love is just that-unconditional. The love you feel for your children is unflappable: No matter what they do, you will always love them. However, children often believe that they are loved when they are behaving and achieving, but when they are in trouble, the love isn’t there. It is crucial to teach your children that how you feel about a particular behavior has nothing to do with your constant love for them.
- Be there! Children feel safe and secure knowing that you are there for them, literally and figuratively. Your children need you to spend time with them, and be actively present in their lives. They also need to know that you are there for them, providing protection and guidance. Knowing that you will always be there for them provides your children the sense of security they need to gradually venture forth into the world. They can feel safe with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
- Tell your children you love them every day. Tell them with your words and with your actions. Treat them lovingly, respectfully and kindly. How you treat them conveys how loved and valued they are, which in turn helps them believe themselves to be lovable and valuable.
- Show affection. Showing affection is a significant demonstration of your unconditional love. Be as affectionate as your children will allow, in the manner comfortable for them. Enjoy those hugs and kisses while they last!
- Give affirmations. Affirmations are the positive things you tell your children. These words of validation help your children develop positive self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. Affirmations can be related to something they do : “I knew you could do it!”, or “Couldn’t have done it better myself!” Affirmations can also be given just because they are : “I’m so glad to be your mom,” and “I appreciate you.” How about making an affirmation list of your own?
- Be glad to be their parent. Your children are amazing. Take time to delight in the joy they bring. Spend time savoring the moments, and sharing them with your children. Let your children know why you are glad to be their parent.
- Believe in your children. Your children can become whatever they believe they can become. Where do those beliefs come from? They start with you. You set the tone, the programming, if you will. The messages you send, the beliefs you convey, directly effect what your children will believe about themselves. And they will act on those beliefs. Believe in your children, and they will learn to believe in themselves.
- Support their interests and talents. Provide your children with opportunity to pursue their interests and cultivate their talents. Show an interest in what they are doing. However, three cautions: don’t over-schedule; don’t turn an interest into lessons and practice sessions without your children’s agreement; and if their interests and abilities do not match your expectations, keep your disappointment to yourself.
- Be your children’s biggest fan. Of all the various feedback your children will receive, they want your approval the most. Show them how proud you are of their efforts and accomplishments, as well as the wonderful individuals they are becoming. Cheer all you want at their sporting events and snap as many pictures as possible at their concerts, school plays and award ceremonies. Smiles, hugs, praise and big thumbs-up will let them know that you are their biggest fan, and all-time cheerleader.
- Catch your children being good. Find reasons to praise your children everyday. You can always find reasons to praise for things they do (such as cooperating, getting a good grade, etc.). And then there are reasons to praise for things they don’t do (such as not interrupting your phone conversation, not hitting their sibling even when angry, etc.)
BONUS: TOP 10 AFFIRMATIONS
- I AM SO LUCKY TO BE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER
- I APPRECIATE YOU
- I TRUST YOU
- I BELIEVE IN YOU
- YOU ARE CAPABLE AND COMPETENT
- YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY
- YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO DO
- YOU ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE
- I AM PROUD OF YOU JUST FOR BEING YOU
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER —NO MATTER WHAT!
Tags: affection, affirmations, appreciate, beliefs, believe in, capable, children, competent, parent, praise, proud of, safe, secure, unconditional love
Posted in Family, Parenting | Add a Comment »
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
“Want harmony at home? Then focus on good behavior rather than the bad.
Another important factor to successful discipline is understanding your child”, said Vicki Panaccione, a Melbourne psychologist and parent coach who writes child development articles focusing on elementary and middle school children.
“You need to know your child in order to know how to intervene in their behavior,” said Panaccione, author of Discovering Your Child: A Parent Guide for Children Ages 7-12.
“We talk about unconditional love, but we must also address unconditional acceptance of who this child is. Every child has distinct characteristics. So, if a child is not a morning person, don’t give him or her a lot to do in the morning.”
Panaccione also suggests redirection of negative behavior. If siblings fight, try to redirect that energy toward physical activities both children can participate in.
And of course, acting out can be a disguise for deeper problems.
“Many times, we’re correcting the behavior, but not necessarily looking beneath the surface to find out what’s going on with the child. It could be that something’s going on at school, or a lack of sleep, for example.”
As published in Florida Today.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: Discipline, Parenting, problems, unconditional acceptance, unconditional love
Posted in Discipline | Add a Comment »
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
Parenting can be a very humbling experience. Oftentimes, we feel at a loss about what to do. In those cases, I propose using the rule of T.H.U.M.B. I’m not talking about your green thumb (or in my case a brown thumb!), but rather your golden T.H.U.M.B. Like the Golden Rule, your golden T.H.U.M.B. provides a guideline to take you back to basics.
The acronym T.H.U.M.B. uses each letter to represent a key element to successful parenting. Instead of starting with T, I’m going straight to the heart of the word, to U, where I think successful parenting begins.
U is for unconditional love. The unconditional love of a parent is without question the most important message to convey: “No matter what you do, I will always love you.” It is crucial to separate out disapproval regarding a behavior vs. constant love for your child. Unconditional love also means unconditional validation, expressing belief that your child is a valued, special person without needing to prove his/her self. It is about the person your child is, and not about what he or she does.
OK, Back to T. T is for Tuning In to your children. Recognizing their unique qualities and needs allows you to take these into consideration when interacting with them. Of course, in order to do this, you need to spend time (another T) to really get to know them, and listen to what they have to say. Allow their styles and preferences to be expressed and considered when making behavioral demands
H is for Honor. It means honoring and respecting your children, speaking and treating them as you would want to be treated. When we treat children as worthy of honor, they will be more likely to honor others. Honoring does not make them peers; it makes them valued members of the family.
M is for Modeling Behavior. The behaviors you model are the behaviors your children will learn. If you want them to be responsible, kind, respectful, moral, independent, loving, honorable, etc., then, you must show them how to lead an honorable, kind, moral, respectful, etc. life. Knowing that they can count on Mom and Dad to “do the right thing” provides a strong sense of security and stability for your children, and a model by which they can fashion their lives. They may drift astray, but are likely to come back to being the kind of person you modeled.
B is for Be there! Pure and simple. Make sure your children know that you will always be there for them—no matter what! This will provide them with the security to venture forth into the world, with the knowledge that if they ever need a back-up or support, they can count on you.
So, maintaining a healthy relationship with your child, involves following your rule of T.H.U.M.B.: Tune in, Honor and respect, Unconditional love and validation, Model desirable behavior, and Be there!
When you are at a loss, look no further than your T.H.U.M.B. Let it be a reminder to get back to basics and put these principles into action. These simple steps will help bring you closer to your children. And that deserves a big thumb’s up!
As published in the Hometown News.
© MMVI Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D.
Tags: honor, loving, moral, Parenting, respect, responsible, security, stability, T.H.U.M.B, unconditional love, validation
Posted in Discipline | Add a Comment »
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Internationally recognized as a passionate and dedicated parent/child specialist, child psychologist "Dr. Vicki” Panaccione has spent the last 25 years helping thousands of families strengthen what she calls the "CaringConnection", the emotional bond between parents and children.
“Dr. Vicki is the author of Discovering Your Child: Parent Guide, and CaringConnections, her weekly online newsletter, helping parents find joy and fulfillment in their relationships
with their children. Read more... |
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